Well, I have a baby and a pram. I could do it too…couldn’t I?
Thanks to JKR I was inspired. Carpe diem! Today was the day! The toddler was at Nana’s house for the afternoon, so it was just me, the baby, and buckets of inspiration.
Armed with a posh new notebook and plenty of ideas, I headed to Costa.
Today, I would begin my Great Novel. Here is what I wrote…
MY GREAT NOVEL (WRITTEN IN A CAFÉ JUST LIKE ROWLING)
It is not a brilliant start. I have nappies, rice cakes, bum cream and wipes, but I do not have a bloody pen. I asked the Costa boy if he had one I could borrow but he actually looked at me as if I was mad. I strongly suspect he thinks a pen is a kind of Italian biscuit. I explained I needed to ‘write something down’ (I even mimed writing) but he just shook his head apologetically. Does no one use actual pens any more? FFS.
Fortunately, a lady at the next table took pity on me and has given me a grubby blue biro from the bottom of her bag. She said I could keep it. I told her that I would dedicate my first novel to her. In hindsight, this may be a bit of an extreme way to thank someone for the loan of a dirty pen. I really want to give it a wipe with my antibacterial gel but she is watching me and I don’t want to appear rude.
Right here goes…
The good news is the baby is asleep, but the bad news is I am finding it really hard to start my Great Novel while Pen Woman is staring at me. Does she think I lied about needing to write something down just to get a free pen?
Costa boy is also watching me, I suspect to see what one does with a ‘pen’ but it is all very off-putting. I bet Rowling didn’t have this problem. I bet she had a pencil case full of pens. I am starting to panic as I know it is race against time before the baby wakes up. I’ll just write anything while pulling my best ‘deep in thought about something really important’ face, until I am ready to begin…
Costa is very noisy. I bet Rowling didn’t write Harry Potter in a Costa. It was probably a lovely quiet little tearoom full of little old ladies and spare pens.
Pen Woman is still staring at me. Maybe she is waiting for me to ask her name for the novel dedication.
BABY IS AWAKE. DAMN IT.
Fobbed baby off with a biscuit. It seems she does not want to sleep in the pram like Rowling Junior so I will have to feed her stuff to keep her quiet while I start my novel (maybe this IS the cause of Obese Britain…wannabe mum authors trying to do a JK Rowling?)
Ok, here goes…I have half a rusk to write the opening paragraph at the very least.
Baby is looking at me covered in rusk/saliva paste. She does not look happy. She threw the remaining rusk on the floor so I gave her a rice cake. She threw that on the floor so I gave her some of my Costa lemon cake. She seems happy with that. She should be for £2.99 a slice.
Right, here the hell I go…
The baby has finished the cake and is doing her poo face.
She is now covered in cake, screaming and smells like shit.
I think I better go.
To be continued.
The End. Not quite Harry Potter.
I have since tried to write my Great Novel at home but it is pretty hard to concentrate with a toddler trying to climb on your computer and a baby who will not sleep unless she is ON me or in a MOVING pram. Some days I can’t even urinate in peace, so I guess it was a bit ambitious to think I would be able to write a book.
In conclusion, JK Rowling is clearly one of those annoying smug types whose babies fall into a long, deep slumber anywhere and everywhere, any time, day or night (and it probably helps that she is also massively talented).
Oh well, on the bright side, I am now the proud owner of a dirty blue pen.
For more tales of tiredness and sleep-deprived parenting feel free to sign up for email updates below or join me on Facebook or Twitter. Anyone else struggling with a sleep-hating baby? If so feel free to check out my Sleep Guide or I may even be able to help you get your baby to sleep through the night in just TWO years!
UPDATE. Two years later I have now written a book (not in Costa). You can read about it here.