WHY is it that when you co-sleep with your child, everyone else is far more worried about it than you?

First, you get the ‘Rod For Your Own Back’ people who are absolutely TERRIFIED for your future for some reason.

Then there are the People Weirdly Anxious About Your Sex Life. Even if, In A Bed At Night was the only place you and your partner could possibly ever have sex (if you weren’t too tired from ‘HELLO’ having a baby) WHY do these people even care if I’m getting any? STOP THINKING ABOUT ME SHAGGING YOU PERVERTS.

Next, are the most annoying of all, the ones that are obsessed with  ‘self soothing’  and don’t seem to understand that BABIES ARE BABIES AND IT IS OUR JOB TO SOOTHE THEM, YOU WANKERS.

Finally, there are the ‘Scaremongerering Shitheads’, who spout a load shit at you about the hazards of co-sleeping and keep tagging you on ‘READ THIS OR YOUR BABY WILL DIE’ articles on Facebook without actually checking the facts. I can only assume that these people truly believe that you are a drunk IDIOT who sleeps with babies while smoking fags on a sofa made out of danger.

So after years of enduring a lot of co-sleeping-based ‘advice’, hysteria and ‘helpful’ observations, I have come up with a few responses guaranteed to shut these unsolicited advisors DOWN (and possibly make sure they never speak to you again because they think you’re a twisted weirdo).

Comebacks for co-sleepers

THEM: You really need to teach her to self-soothe or she’ll never get herself to sleep.      YOU: You are right! If I  do things for her that she can’t do because she is an actual baby, she might stay a baby forever.  I’m also thinking of leaving her lying on the carpet until she learns to ‘self-transport’ and keeping her in a shitty nappy until she learns to self-shit-wipe?  That way she’ll be totally self-sufficient by the time she is one-years-old! Actually forget that, I am pretty sure that self-soothing is bollocks.

THEM: Oh my god you let your baby sleep in the Marital Bed? But what about sex? How do you do the sex? Your marriage is doomed without the bed sex?
YOU: Oh it’s fine we just have sex with the baby there while shouting ‘this is how we made you, sweetie’. It’s a real turn on (too much?)

THEM: It is dangerous to share your bed with a baby – they could die!
YOU:  Yes but I like living on the edge. I suppose I could read all the safety guidelines, get rid of my bed of nails and co-sleep safely but what would be the fun in that?

THEM: If you feed your baby to sleep, you’ll always have to feed her to sleep.
YOU: Tell me about it. My poor old mum fed me to sleep when I was a baby, and now every night I’m on the phone; ‘mum can you bring me a sandwich?’ and she whizzes round and feeds me a ham roll until I drop off. Bless her.

THEM: If you cuddle or rock your baby to sleep, it’ll become their sleep crutch and you’ll have to rock or cuddle them to sleep forever.                                                                               

YOU: Oh, I don’t mind the cuddling and rocking but it’s performing the nightly satanic rituals that are a pain in the arse. We did them a few times to comfort her and  now she simply won’t settle until we’ve sacrificed a badger to the devil. The old ‘Four Bs’ Routine- bath, book, badger slaughter and bed is a nightmare.

THEM: She’ll grow up to be totally dependant on you if you cuddle her all night.         

YOU: Awww do you need a little cuddle?

THEM: If she gets used to sleeping with you she’ll NEVER learn to fall asleep by herself’.
YOU: I carried my babies before they could walk. Later, I held their tiny hands to support them as they toddled unsteadily around the room. Then when they were ready to take their first steps, I was there to catch them if they fell. They weren’t scared because they knew I was there if they needed me. They can walk now and don’t need me to carry them any more.

I reckon it is the same with sleep. Babies need us to help them sleep because we make them feel safe. If they wake up scared and alone, they need to know we are there. To catch them when they fall. They need us to support them, until they can sleep alone.

If we carry them when they need us, one day they will fly. Or sleep. Preferably f**king sleep.

MY BOOK FOR TIRED PARENTS

Check out my book that contains no baby sleep advice whatsoever… Just lots of laughs and stories about surviving the sleepless nights from someone who has been there!

Sleep Is For The Weak: How To Survive When Your Baby Won’t Go The FzZk To Sleep at book shops or on Amazon now!!

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WHILE many people across the UK (Ok about five) are basking in the current heatwave, there are some of us who are not enjoying this hot weather.

Parents.  Mums and dads across the country are hot, bothered and stressed because their little angels just won’t go to sleep at night.

As a result everyone in the house is tired, sweaty grumpy and longing for those wonderful Beast From The East days.

But fear not my shattered sweating friends. Help is at hand.

Here is the only guide you need on how to get your kids to sleep when it’s really bloody hot

1) Read all the Internet articles about how to get your kids to sleep in a heatwave that basically tell you to use thinner sheets and open the f**king windows like WE NEVER WOULD HAVE THOUGHT OF THAT.

2) Spend three million years trying to block every single last piece of sunlight from your child’s bedroom window like a manic vampire only for them to outsmart you by turning their bedside lamp on.

3) Get your children a nice cup of cold water …and throw it in their whingeing little faces.

4) Move to Iceland. The country or the supermarket depending on your budget.

5) Put your child in a cool bath and…that’s it. Walk away.

6) Get a fan for your children’s bedroom so they can get their hair caught in it or stick a body part in it and then cry for two hours.

7) Try to wear your kids out by running around outside until you all pass out with heatstroke.   

8) Repeatedly tell them ‘go to sleep or you’ll be tired tomorrow’ even though in the history of bedtime that line has never made a child fall asleep.

9. Wonder if you are a bad parent when your kid tries to cuddle and you are all like ‘IT’S TOO HOT FOR BODY CONTACT GET THEE BEHIND ME SATAN”

10) Open the window. Shout, ‘I’m too hot for this shit’, jump out and run away until Autumn.

READ MORE ABOUT: Barbecues in my hard hitting article for Daily Mash MAN COOKS MEAT AT BBQ BUT DOES SOD ALL ELSE.

OR BEDTIMES ON HOLIDAY: In my Holiday Bedtime Diaries (basically don’t even bother)

THE BOOK

Check out my book that contains no baby sleep advice whatsoever… Just lots of laughs and stories about surviving the sleepless nights from someone who has been there!

Sleep Is For The Weak: How To Survive When Your Baby Won’t Go The FzZk To Sleep at book shops or on Amazon now!!

Feel free to comment or join me on Facebook, Instagram or Twitter.  You can also subscribe for more useless information like this using the form below.

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PUT them down drowsy but awake or they’ll ALWAYS sleep on you.

Don’t feed them to sleep or they’ll turn into a gremlin.

Teach them to self-settle or they’ll NEVER learn to fall asleep by themselves.

Babies need 16 hours of sleep a day or bad, bad things will happen…

Don’t let them sleep on you or the world will end. That kind of thing.

Well, it’s all bollocks.

And all those warning about not letting a baby sleep in your bed or they’ll have to sleep with you for the rest of their life. Along with the stuff about how creating a sleep crutch for your baby will  condemn them to HELL?

All total bollocks.

‘THEY’ lied to me and they are lying to you too.

My kids are five and six-years-old now and I don’t ever feed them to sleep, they can self settle and as far as I can tell they are not gremlins.

They are happy and healthy DESPITE never sleeping fuckteen hours a night when they were babies.

What’s more, now this may blow your mind, but I fed my youngest to sleep until she was two and a half and these days she walks and talks and goes to school like a normal kid!

Then there’s my six-year-old who once upon a time would ONLY sleep on me? Well, last night she asked me to stop singing a lullaby (I was nailing it by the way) because she wanted to read.

And it is not just my children.  I know hundreds of people who’s offspring sleep perfectly fine despite never, ever going down drowsy but awake when they were infants.

I wish someone had told me that ‘they’ were full of bollocks when I had babies. I wasted so much time and money desperately trying to get my babies to sleep like the Bollockmongers told me they should sleep.

I would have still been knackered but I wouldn’t have been so bloody stressed!

If only I had trusted my instincts over the expert advice, maybe I wouldn’t have felt like such a failure who was rubbish at babies. Because now I look at my bright, funny, clever and well-rested kids and I KNOW for a fact I did nothing wrong.

My youngest daughter still climbs into my bed during the night but these days I don’t care what ‘They’ say. In fact, I don’t even know what They say because I stopped listening to their bollocks a long time ago.  I just know that when she grows out of it – which she WILL- I’ll miss those twilight cuddles.

I regret believing the bollocks. I regret trying so hard NOT to let my firstborn sleep in my bed. I’ll always regret throwing out my comfy old dressing gown BUT I’ll never regret letting my children sleep with me, settling them to sleep or letting them snooze on my chest.

So, parents. Next time someone tries to tell you what you should be doing with your child, just nod, smile, mutter ‘bollocks’ under your breath and walk away.

Read some of my bollocks.. So I do this now. Writing important stuff  about internet dicks and men taking so long to do a shit for satire news site Daily Mash and for TV’s Mash Report which included this viral message to all women..I also still write for Metro and you can find my stuff here..

THE BOOK

Check out my new book that contains no baby sleep advice whatsoever…

Just lots of laughs and tips on surviving the sleepless nights . It covers everything from from Postnatal Illness and how to avoid killing your partner when you have babies and how to really and truly get your baby to sleep (eventually).

Sleep Is For The Weak: How To Survive When Your Baby Won’t Go The FzZk To Sleep at book shops or on Amazon now!! Also on Kindle.

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TRYING to get a baby to fall asleep is a frustration that every parent will face at some point.

Neither of my babies liked to go to sleep. Some nights it could take anything up to four hours to get them to doze off, so I spent a lot of  time desperately browsing the Internet for The Answer.  As a result, I tried a lot of weird and wonderful techniques. Here are a few ways I tried and failed to get my babies to go the f**K to sleep:

Kiwi fruit or banana before bed because apparently they contain some magical sleep inducer. VERDICT: I may as well have given them speed.

Baby massage to relax and calm your little one into slumber .                                                 VERDICT: Baby oil + very lively baby = mess.

A jumperoo that we bought because our daughter once fell asleep after bouncing in the one at playgroup                                                                                                                                           VERDICT: Turned out to be a one -off event. A one-off event that cost us £80.

Patting their bum which supposedly emulates the mother’s heart beat and lulls the baby into dreamland.                                                                                                                   VERDICT:  This possibly works better if you have a baby who will actually LIE still and be patted.

Giving them a dream feed in the hope they will be full up and sleep for longer.                                  VERDICT: This did not go well. So imagine if you were fast asleep and someone woke you up by shoving a sandwich into your mouth. You’d be pretty pissed off, right?

Wean them off the night feeds because if there is no milk on offer they’ll stop waking up , right?  VERDICT: Wrong. This method assumes they are waking up because they are hungry. My babies just wanted to be awake – milk or no milk.

White noise because what could be more relaxing than the sound of the ocean waves.                    VERDICT: I would have to turn it up really loud to get the baby to hear it over her NOISE! Plus now every time I go to a beach I hear a baby screaming.

Bore them to sleep by explaining in great detail about what is is like to watch paint dry.   VERDICT: Unfortunately, my baby seemed  fascinated by this subject.

Mummy is here little one…

Make a replacement mummy so that when they start to doze off they will think you are there beside them. As my little one used to like to twiddle my hair I used my childhood Big Doll Samantha and sneakily replaced my hair for hers..

VERDICT: Yeah, yeah, OK. She is a bit terrifying. It would be safe to say the baby absolutely crapped herself.

Lick their ear lobes because someone on a Mumsnet thread swore by it and I had tried everything else and I was so tired and why the hell not and DON’T JUDGE ME.               VERDICT: Success. My baby drifted off into a peaceful snooze…Ok, this did not happen. This technique is bollocks. Obviously.

So I did not have any luck with any of these things but I have since discovered a few more unique methods that may be worth a bash. I wrote about them all over at Metro UK.. if you fancy a read.

I have also been writing about diets and talking about this Slimfast advert. WARNING: Once you have watched it you can never un-watch it.  Alexandra Burke and her breasts will be forever bobbing about in my mind. Anyway, I wrote it all down in  9 reasons not to go on a diet. 

 More hot tips in my book Sleep is for the Weak: How to survive when your baby won’t go the fzZk to sleep.  Available from book shops or on Amazon now!! 

Feel free to share your hot tips in the comments below or join me on Facebook, Instagram or Twitter.  You can also subscribe for more useless information like this using the form below.. 

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Sleep-training was not right for my babies but I do not judge people who have chosen to try this approach (except for the Leave Baby To Cry Herself To Sleep And If She Pukes That’ll Learn Her, people –I totally judge them). But every decision most parents make for their children, is made out of love – we are all just doing what we believe is best.

I let my daughter sleep in my bed because it was what she needed (ok, and because I was too bloody tired to get up every half an hour) – not because a study said it would make her into a happy, healthy genius. I chose this way because of my instincts not the science. Dealing with night wakings is such an emotional aspect of parenting – it is not something we can make a decision about based on (the often dubious) science. And as every baby and parent have different needs and personalities, unless the research was specifically carried out on your family, it is not going to be much help.

When I say ‘sleep’ in my bed…

Every baby is unique, every family set up is different and when it comes to sleeping – there is no once size fits all. But it is a fact that every child will sleep EVENTUALLY, no matter what. But until they do, avoid all the research by The Society Of Expert Twats Who Have No Idea How Babies Actually Work and take a look at this handy check list instead!

SHOULD I SLEEP TRAIN MY BABY? 

MY BOOK FOR TIRED PARENTS

Check out my book that contains no baby sleep advice whatsoever… Just lots of laughs and stories about surviving the sleepless nights from someone who has been there!

“The saviour of the sleep deprived parent.”

Sleep Is For The Weak: How To Survive When Your Baby Won’t Go The FzZk To Sleep at book shops or on Amazon now!!

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Welcome to Baby-Trapped: Some things to entertain, inspire and pass the time when your baby won’t go the f*ck to sleep…

So half term is OVER which mean I get to moan about the school run again. Roll on tomorrow’s Stressfest that is getting a 4-year-old and toddler up, dressed and out of the door before 9am. I am planning on trying a few new excuses for being late this term:

Reason for lateness: I gave my daughter the pink bowl

Reason for lateness: Toddlers are arseholes

Reason for lateness: I was messing around on Facebook and didn’t realise the time

Or, I could make a plan to really, definitely TRY not to be late this term..the same plan I make at the start of every term. The same plan that never quite works out because, well, see reasons above.

So, while I enjoy my last night of the school holiday, here is some stuff to read for those of you who are under a baby, feeding a baby or just too DAMN TIRED to do anything other than dick about on your phone.

1) This good news…

Babies wake up at night. They are famous for it.  After all, they have spent most of their life inside a human woman so waking up in the real world alone has got to be pretty scary. So they cry out for us, once, twice or SIXTEEN TIMES A BLOODY NIGHT. And it is tough on us parents. Really tough. Deep down we KNOW it will pass. We know they will grow out of it and we know it is just temporary, but it doesn’t make it feel any easier when you are in the thick of it.  Everyone around you is banging on about when and how babies should be sleeping through the night. The Internet is telling us we will become obese, get heart disease and probably DIE.  So our tired brains convince us we MUST do something, we must get this sleep ‘problem sorted’. But the thing is. Babies waking up at night is not actually a sleep ‘problem’ – it is totally normal behaviour. Look, I know what you are thinking:

‘I AM SO TIRED I CAN’T REMEMBER WHEN I LAST CLEANED MY TEETH AND I AM PRETTY SURE I JUST HALLUCINATED UNLESS MY BABY ACTUALLY DOES HAVE TRVEOR MCDONALD’S HEAD. I NEED MY CHILD TO GO THE F*CK TO SLEEP.’

So you panic, buy all the books, order Sean the Shitting Sheep and attempt one of those training methods that ‘guarantee to get your baby to sleep in just SEVEN days’.   But two hours into the ‘revolutionary technique and you are crying, the baby is crying and Sean The Sheep is in the bin. Not only do you now feel like a horrible mother for leaving your child to cry for like, ten minutes, but you also feel like a failure for not sticking to the method.

Yes, it is tough. BUT, what if I told you that your baby will sleep through the night (eventually) without any training whatsoever? Don’t take my word for it. Take Darcia’s. She has a flipping PHD and everything.  This is her (actually useful) advice Avoid Stressful Sleep Training and Get the Sleep You Need.

Alternatively, you could try this method I came up with myself. It really and truly ‘guarantees to get your baby to sleep in just SEVEN days (or eventually)’.

2) This weirdness…

So, you can buy a perfume that smells like Play-Doh.  PLAY DOH.  But the weirdest thing is that it has 93 FIVE STAR reviews on Amazon. Including, this one from BG. Taliercioon.

“This stuff smells very close to the actual smell of play-doh. At first it doesn’t even resemble the fragrance, but once it settles you’ll be quite amazed at how much it does the trick !”

And this guy – Matthew Johnson is in love…

“Brings back memories of childhood. I guess it would be weird to sniff play-doh all day as an adult. Luckily with this cologne, I don’t have to. I can just sit and bask in my own personal scent.”

But L J was not so keen..

“this stuff smells NOTHING like play doh and is in fact, disgusting.”

3) This book…

YOU CHOOSE

If you have more than one child and you want to start World War III – this book is perfect.

Apparently, they both can’t choose the same thing…

This is a great book and the kids love choosing where they would live, what they would eat, do, play and be… but DO NOT read it to them at bed time. Trust me on this one, people.

4) This tweet…

The secret to never yelling at your kids is to always have a stranger at your house doing some sort of repair work.

— Meredith (@PerfectPending) February 18, 2016

5) These reasons why babies wake up at night (probably)

Are they hungry, thirsty, cold, scared or just being dicks?

6) This brilliant article that is not what you think..

“Having been married only a year and a half, I’ve recently come to the conclusion that marriage isn’t for me. Now before you start making assumptions, keep reading.” A great read for the night feed.

7) This Sleep Thief Shop

I have opened an online shop! The Sleep Thief Shop features unique gifts is for tired parents (or anyone who loves sleep and mugs).  It also has Sleep Thief Baby wear, thermos mugs, pyjamas, T-Shirts, Phone cases and bags.. So as it is MOTHER’S DAY on March 6th. Check it out and treat yourself – or send link to your kids/partner! Delivers to UK and worldwide!

Feel free to comment below or join me on Facebook, Instagram or Twitter.  You can also subscribe for more useless information like this using the form below. 

Good night, Sleep tight…or sleep loose or just bloody sleep however you can..

The post Baby-Trapped: Edition #4 appeared first on SLEEP IS FOR THE WEAK.

According to the Internet, the sleep-deprived among us are well on our way to becoming obese, diabetic and depressed.

But I am here to tell you that are actually some amazing benefits to being woken up every night by a baby!

In fact, I almost feel sorry for parents of the Sleeping Angel Babies because after four years, two kids and around six million night wakings – I am reaping the rewards of all those sleepless nights.

Here are just a few perks of having a baby who does not sleep:

1. You have a Really Bloody Cute Genius Baby

A recent study by The Institute of Real Life People With Actual Babies revealed that infants who wake up a lot during the night are Really Bloody Cute. Research shows that they are designed extra adorable as a way of preventing their parents from selling them on the Internet. There is also a theory that gifted babies need less sleep. My daughter can fit an entire fish finger in her mouth while singing Let It Go. Clearly gifted.

2. You get a lot of ‘Me Time’

You spend many hours lying in a dark room next to, under or feeding a baby. So why not put this time to good use? Since becoming a mother I have read e-books, mentally written a screenplay and two novels, solved the refugee crisis, almost devised a plan to take over the world and well, pissed around a bit on Facebook.

3. You get millions of cuddles

One of the main reasons I had a baby was to have something really cute to cuddle. So I am living the dream because my babies love to cuddle me – 24 hours a day! Why sleep at night when you can have hugs, kisses, tiny toes poking you in the face and cute little fingers gouging at your eye balls. #blessed.

And that is not all! Cuddling has many health benefits as it releases the ‘love’ hormone oxytocin which reduces stress, boosts your immune system, relives anxiety and makes you feel happy!

4. You are the envy of all your parent friends (very occasionally)

When the Well-Rested Parents are falling apart after poor teething Wilfie woke up twice in one night – this is your chance to shine. As they cry into their decaf tea, take the opportunity to give them a Not-So-Smug-Now head-tilt before swooping in like a saviour of the slight sleep-deprived and giving them a strong coffee, a hug (see #3) and telling them about your baby’s (twice a bloody HOUR) wakings and they’ll soon feel much better about everything.

5. You lose the baby weight without even trying (or caring)

The great thing about having a sleep-hating baby is that you get a lot of free exercise. Rocking, walking and carrying a baby around night and day burns a hell of a lot of calories. Not that you have many calories to burn. Because chances are you don’t get time to eat. I once survived a whole day on a banana and three pickled onions. I may have been weak and undernourished BUT I was back in my skinny jeans, baby! Well, I could have been. If I hadn’t been too tired to get dressed…

6. You get more irritable and angry

Lack of sleep makes you more prone to losing your shit, but this is not a bad thing! It is well documented that it is unhealthy to ‘keep things bottled up’. Well thanks to sleep-deprivation, I uncork my bottle of anger on a regular basis and I am so much happier for it. It is great! Like one time, I was peeling potatoes and the toddler started screaming for potatoes, so I told her I was making her potatoes but she screamed even more so I swore and threw the bloody potatoes out of the window one at a time.But it was all good because I wasn’t bottling that rage up. I was throwing my f*cking rage right out of the window with those Maris Pipers. Go me.

7. You can get away with forgetting things!

An impaired memory is one of the most useful benefits to being a sleep-deprived parent. You have a great excuse for forgetting things. Simply follow up your apology for being late, forgetting a birthday, a name or appointment with ‘I am so tired my baby has kept me up all night!’ And all will be forgiven. Nobody is going to hold it against a poor tired mother and even if they do, who cares? You won’t remember anyway.

8. You have a valid excuse not to leave the house

Being at home is the best place to be when you are tired. There are comfy chairs and you don’t have to wear clothes or talk to people. And the best news is that once you have cancelled enough nights out/parties/play dates the invites eventually just stop coming altogether. There is also the added bonus of getting a lot of quality time with your nap-fighting, bedtime avoiding bundle of joy. Last thing at night, first thing in the morning, every evening, in the early hours THEY ARE THERE..giving you so, so many bloody precious moments to cherish.

9. Crap is the new black

Good old sleep-deprivation ensures you are totally comfortable with letting yourself go. Gone are the days where I make the effort to look pretty. Since being sleep-deprived I consider myself ‘dressed up’ if I am wearing matching socks and clothes from the Dirty, But Not Quite Dirty Enough For The Dirty Laundry Basket pile.

10. You are the truest version of yourself

Sleep-deprivation makes you lose your inhibitions. You are way too tired to care what people think of you or your parenting. But this is actually a big plus! Ok, you may sometimes talk quite a lot of bollocks but at least you are honest and what people see is what they get.

11. Coffee

You may have liked coffee before you became sleep-deprived but now you love it, dream of it, LIVE for it. Next to my family (and possibly wine) coffee is the best thing in my life. Not only does it give me a feeling of unadulterated euphoria, it convinces me I can do All The Stuff. That I am capable of anything! Seriously, I once did TWO loads of washing and cooked dinner in an actual pan after a particularly good cup. Coffee is to the sleep-deprived what spinach is to Popeye.

Superhero (in pyjamas)

12. You become a (really tired) superhero

They say ‘Sleep is for the Weak’. They tell us, ‘Sleep is for Wimps.’ I have no idea who ‘they’ are but they are on to something. Sleep-deprivation is one of the worst forms of torture and yet parents are not only surviving it- they are taking care of babies at the same time! Some nights they may cry tears of exhausted frustration. Some days they might hide in the toilet praying for the strength to make it through dinnertime. Yet, every day they get up and get on with it. Sleep-deprivation may have tried to break us but in fact, it has made us stronger!

13. You have stuff to write about on the Internet

The best thing for me about having Sleep Thief babies has been writing an actual book about my Sleep Thief babies and connecting with so many funny, strong and inspiring sleep-deprived parents from all over the world. After launching this website and Facebook page I finally discovered that sleep-thievery is fife and my kids were normal! I was not rubbish at babies! So if your baby is a bad sleeper, embrace it, speak up and find a forgetful, grumpy, tired tribe to laugh and talk bollocks with. Misery loves company!

(I know this more than TEN benefits.  Whatever, I needed coffee and a nap and I can’t be arsed to do the artwork again).

While being a sleep-deprived parent is totally awesome – there is some bad news I must share with you. Like all good things it WILL come to an end. Sadly, research by The Institute Of Real Life People With Actual Babies shows that 100% of infants will definitely, certainly sleep at night eventually. So cherish these tiring times my friends, because all too soon the twilight hugs, snuggly pyjama days, the taste of that post-been-up-for-24-hours coffee, the feel of a sleeping baby on your chest – will be nothing but a distant memory. Being a sleep-deprived parent is all temporary so enjoy these benefits while you can!

THE BOOK

This is an extract from my bestselling book Sleep Is For The Weak (five star rated don’t ya know) that contains no baby sleep advice whatsoever… 

“Have you had enough of the unrealistic sleep advice offered in most parenting books? Then this book is for you! It’s guaranteed to bring you some welcome comfort and comic, light relief for those days you are questioning whether one could actually die from sleep-deprivation. Hilarious chapters such as ‘How Not To Lose Friends and Irritate People When You Have Babies.'” –Angels & Urchins

Sleep Is For The Weak: How To Survive When Your Baby Won’t Go The FzZk To Sleep at book shops or on Amazon now!!

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The post 13 Amazing Benefits to Having A Baby Who Won’t Go The F**K to Sleep appeared first on SLEEP IS FOR THE WEAK.

They don’t sleep, so you don’t sleep and, before you know it, your house is a mess, you look a mess and your mind is fast becoming a mess.

Especially at bloody 4am.  When you have been up all night.

At this time of the morning your mind is a jumble of theories and thoughts that seem to make perfect sense…at least until you get up, get dressed and have a cup of strong coffee.

Here’s the general thought process:

I am so tired I will be physically unable to get out of bed in the morning.

Is it illegal to look after babies when you are severely sleep-deprived?

Can you DIE from lack of sleep?

I can’t actually remember who the Prime Minister is. What has happened to my brain?

I hate being a mum.

I love being a mum.

Babies are annoying.

Babies are amazing.

OH NO! We are out of milk.

My baby will not sleep because I am a rubbish mother.

How hard can it be to get a baby to sleep? She is a baby – surely she should do as I say?

And bread. Bollocks.

Every other baby in the whole universe sleeps all night, every night

WHAT AM I GOING TO DO FOR THE KIDS’ BREAKFAST?

My baby is not normal.

My child must have a medical PROBLEM that makes her wake up all night.

I better call NHS Direct right now.

My breast milk is not milky enough.

My breasts are not big enough.

There is something wrong with my breast milk.

If I rock, sing, shush or feed my baby to sleep she will always need me to rock, sing, shush or feed her to sleep. FOREVER.

OH MY GOD! She will end up a weirdo spinster who needs my dried up granny breasts to help her sleep at 40 years old!

My husband is deliberately snoring to annoy me.

My husband is deliberately sleeping to annoy me.

Has he always had massive hair?

I am going to divorce my husband.

I should have listened to Gina Ford.

My baby is an alien. That would explain everything.

I am not getting up for the baby again. I am going to cry her out. See how she likes that.

I am not leaving my baby to cry. She can sleep in my bed.

I am making a rod for my own back by letting the baby sleep with me.

She will never, EVER sleep alone. We’ll need a much bigger bed.

Tony Blair?

My baby’s fingers are so tiny.

I am going to miss those little fingers when they turn into big fat grown up fingers.

Cameron Diaz?

My husband has massive hair. Has he always had massive hair?

‘Hello, hello, how are you?’ Damn you, Mr Tumble. Get out of my head!

David Cameron! Damn. I wish I hadn’t remembered now.

Is it morning yet?

If you fancy stalking me on Facebook or twitting me up on Twitter then you are very welcome….misery loves company…

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The post Inside the mind of a sleep-deprived parent (at 4am) appeared first on SLEEP IS FOR THE WEAK.

‘Is she hungry? Is she teething? Is she eating her teeth? She falls fast asleep on me but as soon as I even think about putting her in the cot she wakes up screaming!’

‘Do you check her limbs are limp?’ He enquired.

‘Yes, Dr bloody Sears, I do. I also wait for the right time in her sleep cycle, listen for steady breathing and slowly put her down in the cot I have checked is warm enough, in the room I have checked is cool enough!’

I had been a mum for several months and still had NO idea how to get my baby to go to sleep or stay asleep.

I had read all the books.

I knew all the stuff. Growth spurts, sleep regression and separation anxiety. I could prevent nappy rash and spot the signs of meningitis.

But knowing all the ‘stuff’ had not made motherhood any easier.

My baby did not do things by the book. Especially when it came to sleep.

Babies should sleep around ten hours per night and have three naps per day, I had read.

Sixteen hours sleep? Whatever…

Not my daughter. She had laughed in the face of sleep advice and had decided that sixteen hours of sleep per day was not for her.

As a result, I was sleep-deprived, stressed and felt like a failure.

I thought I knew what my baby needed. I knew what I needed – sleep! But somewhere in between What To Expect When You Are Expecting, babyexpertsknowbest.com and countless ‘life-changing’ sleep advice books, I had lost the ability to trust my gut feeling.

I felt my daughter needed to be close to me while she slept. My gut was telling me that she did not yet feel secure enough to sleep alone.

But what the hell did my gut know?

My gut hasn’t got childcare qualifications or written a book. It doesn’t have 68 million followers on Twitter or any ‘research’ to back it up.

I had read it was bad  to co-sleep. It could put my baby at risk and I would be ‘making a rod for my own back.’   She would NEVER learn to sleep alone. I had read that it was essential to stick to a bedtime routine NO MATTER WHAT.

I had also forgotten how to use my common sense since becoming a mum.

‘So your baby won’t sleep in her cot but she’ll sleep with you? You only get a couple of hours of broken sleep a night and some nights you get NO sleep at all?

You spend every evening in a dark room for three hours sticking to the Bedtime Routine? Err, skip the routine, let her sleep with you and get some bloody sleep. Problem solved.”

Shut the hell up, Common Sense, I thought. I am just a mum. I will not bugger up my child by ignoring the ‘experts.

So I did everything the ‘right’ way and continued to be severely sleep-deprived, stressed and feel like a failure.

But I kept on ignoring my maternal instincts. Doing things that felt wrong because I thought they were ‘right’ and my baby still wouldn’t sleep.

As time passed, motherhood had taken its toll on my mental health, my physical health and my self-esteem.

‘A good night’s sleep is essential to your baby’s brain development. A baby needs to be taught how to be a good sleeper.’ They claimed.

I had got to the point where I felt guilty for NOT leaving my baby to cry. What kind of mother cuddles her baby when she screams? Was I being cruel by not letting her cry herself to sleep?

In desperation one night, my husband I left our daughter to cry. We had tried all the gentle sleep training methods and nothing had worked so this was our last hope.

It was the worst ten minutes of my life.   Just TEN minutes of my baby screaming for comfort was all it took for me to realise that I had been an IDIOT.

I brought her into my bed and held her in my arms. She was so upset it took most of the night to settle her to sleep.

When I looked at her little face drenched with tears and listened to her struggling to get her breath back after crying, I decided there and then to STOP giving a fuck about the expert advice.

From that day forward the only thing I gave a damn about was my baby. I followed her lead and gave her what she needed. I did what I thought was best for my family. I didn’t get much sleep for a while but I dealt with it. We were happy and my baby was OK.

Co-no sleeping

So dear baby sleep ‘experts.’ Write your books, launch your websites, advertise your services, but stop using scare-mongering as a sales technique.

By suggesting that if someone does not follow your method in your book or by paying for your help, he will end up ‘stupid/insecure/a sociopath,’ you are making the parent who’s baby does not respond to this method feel like a failure.

Why not simply say, ‘this is one option – why not see if it works for your family. If not try something else.’

To the parenting gurus with books to sell telling us that sleep training is damaging our offspring – THIS IS NOT ON. To the baby experts with books to sell claiming that co-sleeping is damaging our offspring – THIS IS NOT ON.

You are not only killing our maternal instincts and zapping our confidence but you are belittling the work of all the decent baby sleep consultants out there who genuinely want to help people.

I know all of the stuff..

If it feels right, sleep with your babies – follow the safety guidelines and unless you drink, smoke or sleep on a bed of nails, they will turn out just fine.

 If it is feels right, gently sleep coach your baby – as long as you are not leaving them to cry in a dark room all night long – they will turn out fine.

Let them have a dummy, feed them, rock them, sing to them, lie down with them. Do what YOU feel your baby needs.

The books can tell us about the ‘stuff’. They can teach us practical things, advise us on safety measures and milestones – but they can’t tell us how to be a mother to our babies.

We are grown up parents and perfectly capable of using our common sense. We need to believe we are not idiots and have the courage of our convictions.

 Let’s ‘Mum Up’ and stop giving so many fucks about what the ‘experts’ say.

Oh and for the record, at around two and a half years old my baby started sleeping through the night in her own bed. Not because of a ‘technique’ or because I followed some expert advice but because she JUST did. Now she is a bright, happy toddler and is neither stupid, insecure or a sociopath. I just wish I had stopped giving a damn sooner.

MY BOOK FOR TIRED PARENTS

Check out my book that contains no baby sleep advice whatsoever… Just lots of laughs and stories about surviving the sleepless nights from someone who has been there!

Sleep Is For The Weak: How To Survive When Your Baby Won’t Go The FzZk To Sleep at book shops or on Amazon now!!

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 AFTER wasting the best part of two and a half years trying sleep techniques, following advice and reading all the Get Your Baby To Sleep If You Can Stay Awake Long Enough To Read Another Boring Book on Getting Babies To Sleep books, I HAVE HAD ENOUGH.

I have thrown away all the books, unsubscribed from mumswhoknoweverythingaboutbabies.com and I have come to accept that my baby, like her sister before her, will continue to wake me up A LOT during the night until, well, she just doesn’t.

The thing is, my babies don’t just wake up a few times for a feed or a nappy change.  My babies are highly adept in the art of wakefulness.  They laugh in the face of sleep training, spit in the eye of Gina Ford and would drive Supernanny to throw herself off the naughty step.

So these days I use a little technique I came up with myself called Get Your Baby To Go The F*** to Sleep By Whatever Means Necessary.

This is basically how it works:

IT is 4am and I am in bed. Awake. Again.

The Baby has woken up at regular intervals since I put her to bed at 7.30pm.

So by 4am I am seriously pissed off.

For God’s sake, what is her problem now? I whisper angrily as I head to the sleep thief’s cot once again.

I pick her up and (of course) she immediately stops crying.  I sway her from side to side a bit but no lullaby.  Not at 4am. She is not getting a frigging lullaby at 4am.

I can feel her eyes looking up at me. Do not make eye contact, I tell myself. Do NOT speak to her. Do NOT engage with her in any way. Any interaction will only encourage her to stay awake ALL night.

She blows raspberries, I don’t even blink.  She grabs my hair. I do not move. She gurgles something and quite deliberately makes it sound a bit like Mummy, but I SHOW NO WEAKNESS.

Finally, her eyes close, her breathing becomes slow and heavy and her ‘limbs are limp’, so (according to Dr Sears), IT IS TIME.

I creep over to the cot and prepare for the nerve-wracking transfer. I hold my breath and slowly, slowly lower her over the bars.

So far, so good. I lie her down. Still asleep.  I put her blankets on.  Still asleep. I tip toe back to my bed, slide under the covers and close my eyes.  The pearly gates of dreamland are just within my reach…

And then…

A TORTUROUS SCREAM pierces the comfortable silence of the night and snatches me from slumber once again.

Right, that is it. I have had enough of this EVERY night. I am NOT getting up again. NO more Mrs Nice Mummy. I am going to stay right here and close my eyes.

 WAHHH.

Bring it on baby. I am done.  I put the pillow over my head in an attempt to block out the screams. I am going to sleep.

 WAAAHHHHH. 

The screams are louder now but I don’t care. I am staying in bed.

WAHHHHHH.  WAHHHH.

Her screaming has now woken Husband James and the Toddler but I am still NOT getting out of bed.

WAHHHHHHHHH. WAHHHHHH.  WAHHHH.

Ok I am getting out of bed.

And I am back at Square One.  Holding a baby in the darkness.  Rocking, shushing, and praying for the strength to make it through tomorrow after another sleepless night.

She is still awake.

I play the white noise app on my phone. Music box? Ocean waves?

Still awake.

I ask her really nicely to go to sleep. I bribe her. I beg her.

Still awake.

I lie her down in the cot and activate the lullaby machine in the vague hope that tonight WILL be the night she will be ‘soothed gently into a deep sleep’. She immediately screams. I leave her for a minute – waiting for the (five star rated at Amazon) dream machine to do its work.  It doesn’t. She screams some more so I get her out.

Still awake and now in a very bad mood.

I lie her down in bed next to me and feed her. (I have been trying to wean her off the night feeds using a method I call If She Screams Really Loudly I Will Just Feed Her).   This also gives me the chance to do useful things like pick up my phone and Google Stuff That You Really Shouldn’t Google When You Are Sleep-deprived at 4am In The Morning.  Can you die or get some horrible disease from lack of sleep?  Has my baby got some horrible disease because she will not go to sleep?  Why won’t my baby GO the f**k to asleep?

She has finished feeding but still awake. 

Right, time for co-sleeping…or as it is known in our house Co-sleeping With The Enemy or Pretend To Be Asleep No Matter What  (not for the fainthearted).  She pulls my hair, she bites my nose, she stands on daddy’s head, she tries to climb up the headboard, but finally, finally, finally…

 …she sleeps.

She looks cute, and at 9pm, 10pm or even 11pm I might have gazed lovingly at her for a few minutes. BUT NOT AT STUPID PAST 4AM. I am so over it by now. Desperately seeking sleep, I lie precariously on the edge of the bed.  Despite her size she seems to be taking up a hell of a lot of room. But I dare not move. One cough, sneeze or bed creak and I will be right back at Square One.

I look at the clock.  IF I go to sleep RIGHT this second I could still get a few hours sleep before the actual morning.

SO GO TO SLEEP.

My body is tired but mind is wide awake…and being rather annoying. Why does my baby not sleep? I am definitely not going to be able to get out of bed tomorrow/today. Everyone else’s baby sleeps. I am rubbish at babies.  

OH SHUT UP AND SLEEP.

Eventually my aching muscles sink into the mattress and I doze off…for about an hour and a half. At which point, I am rudely awoken by the Toddler shouting something about Thomas the Tank Engine and Weetabix.

So I get up, get dressed (eventually) and get on with it (with the help of a big cup of coffee).   And as I play, sing, read and laugh with my lively girls, I think to myself that actually I am not that rubbish at babies. My house is a mess, I can’t get my head around anything more complicated than Play Doh, but the girls are happy and healthy, so (for today at least) I am kicking sleep-deprivation’s arse….

It is amazing how much better things look after a good….ninety minutes sleep…

So, how do you get your baby to go to sleep and stay asleep when they do not want to be asleep?

Wait until they are like, really, really, really, tired (about two years) then they will finally sleep like, well, a baby….

Failing that, read this post and do the complete opposite.

Still awake?  Then invest in a good survival kit – coffee, wine, a spare bed and Sky plus- and wait for it to pass. Good luck!!!

Do you have a survival kit? Feel free to share any of your tips on surviving with a sleep thief in the comment box below 

 More hot tips in my book Sleep is for the Weak: How to survive when your baby won’t go the fzZk to sleep.  Available from book shops or on Amazon now!! 

The post HOW TO GET YOUR BABY TO GO TO SLEEP AND STAY ASLEEP WHEN THEY DO NOT WANT TO BE ASLEEP. appeared first on SLEEP IS FOR THE WEAK.