A Baby’s Guide To Leaving The Womb

A STEP BY STEP GUIDE TO BABIES BY BABIES

Lesson 1: A baby’s guide to life outside the womb

The biggest mistake new parents make is to forget where babies come from.

I am serious! Instead of taking any time to consider the fact that they have just dragged us from the comfort of our peaceful womb palace into HELL, they are too busy discussing stuff like, ‘who does she look like?’ and ‘I think she has your nose’ and ‘oh look at her tiny fingers’ to think about what we might NEED during this time.

Is it any wonder we scream our heads off when the Baby Getter Outerer takes us away from our Womb Container?

Is it really a surprise that we cry when you put us down in a cot, all by our little old selves??

‘Where the hell is my womb?’  We are thinking. “Where is the human I have been attached to for all of my life? The one who grew me. We are part of each other. I am her, and she is me and I am not sure it is possible to survive without her. Plus she got the milk and that shit is good.” Continue reading

9 ways not to annoy a new mum

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YOU have just pushed a small human out of you, you haven’t slept in days, you are sore, your boobs hurt and your hormones are all over the place.

Yet, people feel this would be a good time to come and visit you and your new baby.

No, people it is not. Continue reading

Ridiculous things you think you need to do before you have a baby

to-doWHEN I was pregnant for the first time I was obsessed with getting everything ‘ready for the baby’.

‘I will write a list.’ I declared a month before my daughter was due to arrive. ‘You can’t go wrong with a list.’

I recently found the list in question and discovered that pre-motherhood I was an idiot (and slightly obsessed with One Born Every Minute). Continue reading

NEWS LEAK OF THE WEEK: Women to give birth at work

Welcome to a new feature called News Leaks – in which I report on the latest parenting news from across the UK (make stuff up for my own amusement). 

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PREGNANT employees to give birth at work under a new Government scheme.

Female staff will be now be expected to have their babies in the office with the help of specially appointed first aiders.

Continue reading

Why The HELL is My Baby Not Doing This Yet?

bw whyWhen I came home from hospital with my first baby I became obsessed with everything being ‘normal.’ Is what my baby doing normal? Am I normal? Is this normal, is that normal?

I did everything I could to check that my newborn was progressing normally. I studied developmental charts in the What To Expect books and signed up for those monthly ‘Why The Hell Is My Baby Not Doing This Yet?’ emails that list all the things your little one really should be doing by now.

If you are a brand-new parent, a quick word of advice… Continue reading