Really good biscuits that you could eat whenever and wherever you liked – in bed, on the sofa or even in the bath.

You would try all sorts of biscuits together; sometimes you would enjoy the comfort of a digestive, other times you would eat a whole packet of Hob Nobs just because you COULD.

Then you have babies and you struggle to find the time or energy to have any biscuits at all. You start to worry;

“What if we go off biscuits forever?’

“Are all the other parents having biscuits?”

“Will my partner eat biscuits with someone else? Someone with more energy and a whole tin full of home-baked cookies?”  

“What if we NEVER EVER get to eat biscuits together again?”

So you start trying to make yourself eat biscuits together at every opportunity. You may be tired and juggling babies with life and a fuckload of laundry but you convince yourself that you MUST have some biscuits or your relationship will be doomed. So what if you feel and look like shit -the biscuits MUST be had or you may as well kiss goodbye to your relationship right now.

Or…you could chill the hell out. You smell like baby sick, you can’t even remember the last time you washed your hair, you haven’t had a good night’s sleep since the baby was born. You are both stressed and sleep-deprived and trying to get your head around parenthood so it is perfectly normal to go without biscuits for a while.

And for the record – your partner is tired too. Even if they are desperate for a biscuit but you are too knackered to eat – they are far more likely to go and have a small custard cream on their own, than go to the effort of trying to get into someone else’s biscuit tin.

Besides, do you know what brings you closer than biscuits? Raising little humans TOGETHER. Falling in love with them more each day and watching in amazement as they smile, laugh or sit up for the first time. Having each other’s backs during this crazy, adventure that is parenthood, in all its incredible and exhausting glory. That is better than biscuits.

While you have babies it is inevitable that some nights you will opt for sleep rather than shortbread and other nights you will fancy Oreos but get teething. But it won’t be forever.

So DO NOT worry about biscuits! They will still be there tomorrow, next month or even next year. You enjoyed biscuits before babies so you will enjoy biscuits with your partner again. Eventually, you will  be able to manage the odd nibble and before you know it, you’ll be devouring entire packets together!

MORE STUFF ABOUT BISCUITS:

*REAL TRUE SIGNS YOU AND YOUR PARTNER ARE STILL MADLY, DEEPLY IN LOVE

*HOW NOT TO KILL YOUR PARTNER WHEN YOU HAVE BABIES

THE BOOK

Check out my new book that contains no baby sleep advice whatsoever… Just lots of laughs and tips on surviving the sleepless nights from someone who has been there!

Sleep Is For The Weak: How To Survive When Your Baby Won’t Go The FzZk To Sleep at book shops or on Amazon now!!

Feel free to join me for a chat about biscuits or babies or anything else on Facebook, Instagram or Twitter.  

The post How it really feels when you are too tired for biscuits appeared first on SLEEP IS FOR THE WEAK.

Then you have kids and SHIT GETS REAL. Candlelit dinners and nights of passion take a back seat and you ask yourselves ‘Are we still madly in love with each other?

Here are a few signs that you are so totally in love (and you definitely do not need to read an Internet list for confirmation): 

1)They wash up every night because they know that you have been juggling work, kids, housework, laundry and cooking dinner so being faced with a sink full of dirty dishes at the end of the day IS LIKE A METAPHORICAL PUNCH IN THE FACE.

2) They know that just because you don’t always wash up when it is your turn it does not make you a bad person (just a lazy one

3) They will change a nappy when it is not their turn because they know that you have changed 652 nappies already (not that you keep count).

4) They never exaggerate how many nappies they change per day to make you feel guilty.

6) They never say, ‘Have you got PMT?” when you are a bit grumpy (even though you do have PMT but that does not make the fact that DIRTY CLOTHES GO IN THE LAUNDRY BASKET ANY LESS TRUE).

7)  They never say they ‘I HAVE NOT GOT PMT!’ when they are clearly have and that is probably why they are losing their shit about some dirty clothes.

8)  They always put their plates in the dishwasher and never just on the side next to the dishwasher for you to do later LIKE THEY THINK YOU  HAVE NOTHING BETTER TO DO.

9) They totally get that when you put plates next to the dishwasher it means you’ll put them away later…or tomorrow or whenever. They  would certainly never then go and load the dishwasher extra loudly in a passive aggressive way like some people, SIX seconds after dinner.

10) They never criticise your driving.

11). They never tut and hold on tightly to their seat when you are driving as a way of showing you that they think you are a bad driver.

12) They never say they are tired in your presence – especially when they know you have been up with the baby all night.

13) When you tell them that you are tired they do not immediately start a row about who is the MOST tired.

14) They never buy you flowers because they know that dealing with fresh flowers would be another ‘bloody thing to do’.

15) They never moan when you buy them flowers because they ‘can’t be arsed to put them in a vase’.

16) They always go to bed on an argument because they know that sleep is a valuable commodity.

17) They never go to bed on an argument because they know you will both sleep better if you just admit that YOU put the empty Calpol back in the cupboard.

18)  They always bring you wine and chocolate home when you have had a bad day.

19) They never text you ‘BRING WINE AND CHOCOLATE’ because they know that the LAST thing you want to do after a day in the office to is stop at the bloody supermarket.

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20) They always put their shoes in the shoe rack and not in the middle of the hallway where PEOPLE WILL TRIP OVER THEM AND POSSIBLY DIE.

21) If you ever forget to put your shoes in the rack, they do not leave them there for three days and secretly hope one of the kids will trip over them so you will FEEL GUILTY FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.

22) When it is your turn to have a lie in they never tell the kids to come and jump on you because they are evil.

23) When it is their turn to have a lie in they never waste it by getting up anyway SO YOU COULD HAVE HAD THE LIE IN AFTER ALL.

24) When they suggest an ‘early night’ they don’t mean sex they mean sleep because they know how tired you are.

25) When they suggest an ‘early night’ they never get into bed and then announce that they are now too tired for an ‘early night’.

26) They never dick about on their phone while you are chatting to them about really interesting stuff.

27) They never chat to you about boring shit when you are clearly trying to read something interesting on your phone.

28) They never leave their dirty clothes all over the bedroom floor because they understand that THEY GO IN THE LAUNDRY BASKET.

29) When you leave clothes on the bedroom floor they understand it is because there is NEVER ANY ROOM in the dirty laundry basket.

30) They know not to talk to you in the morning until you have had a large mug of coffee.

31) They never ignore you in the morning until they have had a large mug of coffee.

32) They make you laugh more than anyone else in the world.

33) You laugh at them more than anyone else in the world.

34) They never write lists about you on the Internet.

35)  They understand that when you do write lists about them on the Internet it’s only because you are so madly in love with them…

THE BOOK

Check out my new book that contains no baby sleep advice whatsoever… Just lots of laughs and tips on surviving the sleepless nights from someone who has been there!

Sleep Is For The Weak: How To Survive When Your Baby Won’t Go The FzZk To Sleep at book shops or on Amazon now!!

Feel free to comment or join me on Facebook, Instagram or Twitter.  You can also subscribe for more useless information like this using the form below..

The post 33 signs you are still in love with your partner appeared first on SLEEP IS FOR THE WEAK.

We just got back home after a family ‘holiday’ in Devon. It will come as no surprise to you all that bedtime away from home is even more of a challenge than bedtime at home. But the husband and I have been burnt before. We learnt the hard way that there is no point worrying about sleep on holiday so we were prepared to bugger up our bedtime routine in order to make our week less stressful.

I kept a little diary of our progress….

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DAY ONE

Kids start asking for ALL the snacks we packed ‘for the journey’ the moment we get in the car. We say ‘no” but relent in a desperate bid for peace after being subjected to continuous singing of ‘are we nearly there yet?’ (Thanks for that Peppa pig).

Beat our personal best for toilet stops as we clock up an impressive 6 x service stations. Highlights include spending 25 minutes in a toilet cubicle with a constipated toddler.

Finally arrive and spend 2 hours moaning about stuff wrong with holiday accommodation while kids get over-excited (noisy) about the fact there are stairs (we live in a bungalow).  Open wine because holiday and toddlers.

BEDTIME: Kids too hyper for sleep (and I may have been too tipsy to care) so bed did not happen until 11pm.

DAY TWO
Decided to have a relaxing day today as the *kids* were tired (not because I have a hangover, honest). But were quickly reminded that we have kids and therefore relaxing on holiday is no longer a thing. Plus we had to go to the supermarket for all the stuff we forgot to pack (and more wine).

BEDTIME: We were convinced the girls would definitely be well ready for bedtime  but they threw that idea back in our faces. So we ended up going with the ‘let them run around in the garden until they pass out’ method.  Except it did not work because they NEVER EVER pass out.

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DAY THREE
We decided to go to the beach for sone family ‘fun’. However, sun, sea and sand plus 2 kids = hard work.  Highlights included toddler screaming due to ‘sand in her bum’ and my attempt to wash it out with half a litre of Volvic and a sea gull pooing in my bag.

BEDTIME: Get back to holiday cottage and TRY to get our tired children to have early night. We thought all the beach fun will have worn them out. We thought wrong. Naked tag game on the Stairs of Fun was happening at 9pm, closely followed by a naked wrestle on the Stairs of Fun. At which point we decided they would need to be separated. We took one each.  I am now waiting in the dark for toddler to go to sleep.  10pm. I am still waiting. 10.30pm. Still waiting.

Family holiday photo fail 1

DAY FOUR 

Despite late night toddler woke me up at 7pm by licking my face. Then asking me for ice cream. FFS! PLUS I have done two lots of laundry. I CANNOT ESCAPE THE LAUNDRY. Although, I will admit to being quite excited because the previous holiday makers had left a bottle of ‘something special’ in the cupboard (posh fabric softener) so the clothes came out smelling of Diamond and Lotus Flower. Who knew diamonds were so fragrant?

Then we were determined to have a Bloody Brilliant Holiday so we spent a million pounds on a family attraction time traveller fossil thingy that ‘the kids will love’ but basically, they just wanted to go back to the FREE park near the Big Tesco.

BEDTIME: The children were in bed by a slightly more respectable 9pm, however, our glee was short lived as the toddler woke up later screaming with ear ache. And of course because it is ‘Us’ and ‘Us’ is an idiot we had not brought the Calpol, so all hell broke loose. After a call to 111 and an unsuccessful 24 hour chemist hunt, we managed to locate the ONLY drugs in the village (two paracetamol from the old lady next door) and crush some in honey.

DAY FIVE
Went to the nearest town and bought all the Calpol (and some more wine). Then went to the pebble beach which is far less annoying than sand. If you can stand the Pebble Beach Walk Of Torture and accept the fact that at one point your toddler will use a pebble as a weapon (she made a miraculous recovery from her ear agony). BEDTIME: Tonight we have decided that the only way to get the kids to have an early night so we can have some grown up holiday time (drink wine on the patio) is to take one each and lie down with them in the dark and ignore them until they are bored to sleep. IT IS A MASTER PLAN.

Master plan now IN action. Husband and I currently texting each other some romantic pillow talk. ‘Is she still awake?’ ‘How are they not tired’ ‘She just YAWNED! This could be it’ ‘Have you tried Biffy Clyro?’ ‘She wants another bloody lullaby!’

Eventually we ALL fell asleep at 8.30pm. Patio wine date postponed.

DAY SIX

Pretended to be a normal happy holiday family and went for an actual meal in a restaurant. It was going well until my daughter uttered the that words no parent wants to hear, ‘I thought I was doing a fart BUT…’  Well, you can guess the rest.  BEDTIME: Left the kids with the grandparents as we are off to an actual wine bar for Holiday Date Night. Bedtime, shmedtime. Good luck suckers.

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Home bit drunk. Kids in bed (only just). Nana is knackered. Tomorrow we have decided we are going to hire a boat and go for a picnic and do loads of stuff on our last day. Then we will probably move here because the sea is so cool and I might want to be a fisherman, fishergirl, fisherperson??

DAY SEVEN 

Head ache. Children are loud. Why didn’t they invent children quiet or mute even? And they want stuff. Always wanting stuff.  And seriously, they go to the toilet all the bloody time. We have decided not to hire a boat. Or make a picnic. And I probably won’t be a fisherwomen.

BEDTIME: Can’t be arsed. Watching TV. The kids are running wild but who cares- we are going home tomorrow and routine will be restored (my future self is laughing in my face as I type this).

Family holiday photo fail 2

DAY EIGHT 

Seven hours in the car and we are home with SIX TONNES of laundry and a shit load of beach pebbles and sand. The toddler slept for half an hour so that is her up for the night. The five-year-old has a cough so that’s her up for the night. I need a holiday.

BEDTIME: Sod it. We’ll get back into the ‘routine’ tomorrow’.

Holidays with children may not be relaxing or peaceful BUT, I know that once we are all back in the routine of work, school, pre-school, dinnertime, cleaning and a doing laundry that does NOT smell of diamonds and lotus;  I’ll look back at our noisy, hectic week in Devon with my crazy kids and want to do it all over again.

Feel free to share your holiday stories in the comments below or join me on Facebook, Instagram or Twitter.  You can also subscribe for more useless information like this using the form below.. You can the first book ever written about babies and sleep to contain no advice whatsoever over here.

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The post The Holiday Bedtime Diaries appeared first on SLEEP IS FOR THE WEAK.

Have you been consistently routining your arse off since day ONE, yet your baby STILL won’t sleep?

Then this seven-step method is for you.

Bedtime routine: It is vitally important that you have a consistent bedtime routine that is routinely consistent at bedtime. For best results use a bed, a baby and a time, every single night.

Expectations: Expecting what you expected when you were expecting? Assuming your baby will go to bed because you are the grown up and they will do as you say? Then you are going to be disappointed. Expect nothing but the very worst from bedtime, that way if your baby goes to sleep at all it will be a bonus.

Drowsy but awake. Is your baby fast asleep in your arms? Then you have FAILED already. As soon as your baby is comfortable, content, peaceful and on the verge of dropping off to sleep, you must act quickly. Put her down immediately. There is a strong possibility that she will scream the instant you lean over the cot, but at least you can enjoy the satisfaction of having done it the ‘right’ way.

Tired (but not too tired). Is your baby a little tired? Is she yawning, but just slightly? Are you tired of being poked, grabbed and climbed on? Are you likely to totally lose your shit if ONE more small person asks you to get them something? Then it is time. STOP whatever you are doing and begin the Bedtime Routine immediately.

Somewhere in here I WILL find the answer…

Information: Under no circumstances should bedtime be attempted until you have read all the information on all the Internets and in all the books in all the world. Only then will you finally be exhausted enough to trust your own instincts.

Magical Sleep Makers: ‘A peaceful nights sleep is not only important for the whole family, but also for baby’s development. This Magical Sleep Maker will help your baby settle into a peaceful slumber and therefore develop normally. If you love your baby, you will spend many pounds on this item right now.’

It is vital that parents invest in numerous Magical Sleep Makers to help them with their bedtime routine. Magical Sleep Makers are available in book, toy, app, musical, gadget or sheep form but all guarantee to get your infant to sleep (and to make the baby industry a shed load of money).

While Magical Sleep Makers may not get your baby to settle down for the night, they do allow you to enjoy a small glimmer of hope for a short amount of time. Only once you have spent hundreds of pounds on Magical Sleep Makers and lost all hope will you be ready to embark on the final stage of the Seven-Step B.E.D.T.I.M.E method.

Environment: ‘A calm, quiet environment is the best place to help your child get to sleep,’ they tell us.

So to create this environment you need a quiet room, a cot and some calm….

BUT the only thing you and your partner have said to each other in months is ‘it’s your turn’.

Your lives consist of trying to get your offspring to sleep and trying to get some sleep yourselves. Your beautiful baby is tearing you apart. You are like shipwrecks passing in the night. Shadows of the people you once were. Strangers stumbling about the darkness like zombies.

You rock, shush, sing and feed a baby in a quiet room for hours every night. You are desperately lonely but never alone. You are constantly busy but nothing gets done. There is no time or space to think, talk, rest or breath. The exhaustion is relentless and all-consuming.

You are tired and miserable but at least you are FUCKING CONSISTENT.

You are on the verge of madness, but it is OK because you are following the damn BEDTIME ROUTINE.

However, there is a strong possibility that your ‘calm environment’ is now well and truly buggered.

So, maybe it is time to try the unthinkable. To go where no Supernanny has ever gone before. Gina Ford would have contented kittens if she ever read this, but to hell with it!

Forget bedtime. Give consistency the finger and tell the routine to do one…

Bedtime is for wimps

If you have tried every trick in the bedtime book and your offspring is still wide awake then maybe it is time to call it a day, well, a night! Take yourself and your little one into another room. Watch TV, have a cup of tea or a glass of wine. Enjoy your baby, enjoy being with your partner and calm the hell down!

I guarantee the world will not end because you strayed from the routine and your baby will sleep – eventually.

You have not failed at bedtime. Your baby is consistently happy and healthy and you routinely avoid killing your partner. I’d call that a success.

The ‘wrong’ way, turned out to be the right way for my family. My firstborn may have won the bedtime battle but a year or so later – we finally won the war (when she decided that sleep was actually preferable to sitting up watching Coronation Street).

If you enjoyed this feel free to subscribe to receive occasional ‘hot’ tips via email or join me and a community of other exhausted parents on Facebook or Twitter. You may also like to check out my Survival Guide!

*If you are really struggling with the sleepless nights then there are a few useful resources here and plenty of support and actual advice over at www.lovemornings.com. The founder is a formerly sleepless mum who found the light at the end of the tiring tunnel and is passionate about helping other parents do the same! 

The post You have been doing bedtime wrong your WHOLE life appeared first on SLEEP IS FOR THE WEAK.

“We are going to be actual grown up parents,” you exclaim, waving around a urine-covered stick, “to a cute little baby!”

You get a bottle of sparkling wine to celebrate, after sensibly consulting Google as to whether you can have one drink while pregnant. You soon discover that, yes you can and no you can’t and that it is definitely ok once a week and never?!  So, in the end you decide to go with the most reputable source you can find (or the one which allows you to actually have a glass of wine).

From this day forward you talk nothing but baby names, stuff you need to do before the baby arrives and pregnancy symptoms. You decorate the nursery and Google everything from Do I need an electric breast pump? and How do I change a nappy?  to What the hell is a Gro-bag?

Sunday lunches at the pub are replaced with strolling around Mothercare hand-in-hand, smiling at babies and discussing the pros and cons of three-wheeler prams.

You talk of parenthood and how amazing it will be.  You smile, you laugh, you lie in each other’s arms and watch One Born Every Minute… It is a special time.

Make the most of it.

Because as soon as the baby arrives – the honeymoon is over.

NINE MONTHS LATER

“Where is the bloody Infacol?”  I shout into the darkness at 2am. “I thought we agreed to keep one up here and one downstairs.”

No one answers me.

“James!”  I scream at my husband while trying to keep a crying baby from latching on to my nipple before I had administered the life-changing baby colic drops. “INFACOL!”

Five minutes later he comes in with the Infacol.

“Well, it is too late now. She is already feeding.”

“Oh for god’s sake,” he says, handing me the Infacol. “I thought we were leaving one up here and one downstairs”.

“Piss off.”*

And that was just week two.  The baby wouldn’t sleep so we couldn’t sleep. She cried for three hours every evening and we had no idea why. We were sleep-deprived, stressed and quite frankly, really getting on each other’s nerves. The love bubble we were cuddled up in pre-baby had burst. Big time.

But it did get better. Eventually.

It must have done because…

ANOTHER NINE MONTHS LATER

“We are going to be parents,” I exclaim in terror, “to another cute little baby.”

“Shall I go and get some sparkling wine to celebrate?”

“Nah. I am too tired.”

It has now been two and a half years since the birth of our first child and we are still together, still tired and we still haven’t killed each other (yet).

I am no relationship expert, but after years of sleep-deprivation and two wakeful babies, I can tell you that the only way not to murder your partner when you have a baby who does not sleep, is to live by certain rules.

 Rule 1: ALWAYS go to bed on an argument.

If the baby is asleep then do NOT waste time doing anything other than sleeping. Chances are the argument was not that important anyway. Grievances like, You Flushed The Chain And Now The Baby Is Awake or I Wasn’t In A Mood Until You Said I Was In a Mood And Now I Am In A Mood and Who’s Used The Last Of The Calpol And Put It Back In The Cupboard, are just not worth the effort

Rule 2: NEVER say what you really mean.

In order to maintain marital harmony, there are some things that are better off left unsaid. These include any reference to being tired (your partner will assume you are saying you are the MOST tired) and NEVER under any circumstances admit you are doing something in order to have a break from the baby. Instead, claim you are ‘just popping out for milk’, ‘taking the bins out’ or, my husband’s personal favourite, ‘I may be some time, I am constipated’.

You both know that the other one is really planning on sneaking into the toilet with their smart phone to skive off babies for half an hour – but by not acknowledging this fact you save yourselves the effort of having to argue about it.

Rule 3: DON’T bother making an effort.

Since we have had babies my husband and I spend a lot of time in our pyjamas, yawning at each other. Sweet nothings have become hushed whispers of ‘I am so tired’ and romance is now changing a nappy when it is not your turn. But you know what? That is ok.

Forget flowers and going out on date nights, when you have babies, simply getting each other stuff is the height of romance. Nothing says ‘I love you’ more than fetching a forgotten toilet roll for your other half. There is little more alluring then being passed the remote control when you are too tired to move, and the words ‘would you like a cup of tea’ from your partner’s lips are guaranteed to lead to the suggestion of an ‘early night’ (wink, wink). And although nine times out of ten, you will get into bed and realise you both want an actual early night – it is the thought that counts.

Rule 4: Give them what they want in the bedroom.

When you have young babies it can be a challenge to find the time or energy to have any ‘romantic action’ with your partner. But try not to worry about it. Sleep is the new sex! Sex will still be there tomorrow, next month or even next year. You enjoyed it before you had babies so you will enjoy it again. So for now give your partner what they really want in the bedroom… to get hot and sleepy between the sheets…

When you have kids it is inevitable that some nights you will opt for sleep rather than romance and other nights you will opt for sex but get teething. You may choose to sit and drink wine in your pyjamas rather than go out on a hot date or watch TV to avoid the effort of a conversation.

But it won’t be forever. So try not to worry.

You are raising little humans together. Falling in love with them more each day and watching in amazement as they smile, laugh or sit up for the first time.

It is exhausting, frustrating and challenging but it is also the most amazing thing you have ever done together.

So empathise, sympathise, make each other coffee, laugh, be kind to each other and you might just survive!

Do you have any unspoken relationship rules that help you to avoid killing your partner? I would love to hear them!

For more of this totally useless advice feel free to sign up here to receive it on email or follow me at Facebook or Twitter.

The post How Not To Kill Your Partner When You Have Babies appeared first on SLEEP IS FOR THE WEAK.

When you have babies it can be a challenge to find the time (or energy) for any postnatal ‘romance’ with your partner. After all, you are too busy trying to deal with postnatal everything else…

But do not fear. Help is at hand. 

Here is my guide on how to have some post-baby action:

You and your partner agree to have an ‘early’ night.

Search the underwear drawer for something other than pyjamas.

Options are; nighties (baggy tee shirts), comfortable knickers, two old maternity bras, three used breast pads or a random thong that must have escaped the Great Thong Purge of 2010.

Wonder whether you have time to give your underwear drawer a quick clear out before all the sex.

Decide you better not as the baby could wake up any minute.

Both jump into bed ready for action only to realise you are so tired you could do with an actual early night.

Postpone all the sex until tomorrow.

The next day you have an earlier night.

Get into bed. Proceed to be romantic.

Partner thinks he hears the baby.

Both sit up and listen.

Nothing.

Continue with romantic proceedings.

You think you hear the baby.

Both sit up and listen.

Nothing.

Continue with proceedings.

Baby wakes up.

Get up and feed baby.

Return to bed.

Partner is asleep.

Decide to have sex the next day no matter what.

Up all night with the baby so you are too tired.

Two days later you agree to definitely have some sex that night.

Suggest trying it on the settee to spice things up a bit (avoid falling asleep).

Begin the romantic activity.

Ride On Thomas The Tank Engine is watching you.

Turn Thomas to face the wall.

Resume activity.

Accidentally sit on a plastic Fireman Sam. Partner throws Fireman Sam into the toy car box.

Resist the urge to go and put Fireman Sam into the toy figures box and continue with romance.

You can’t stop thinking about Fireman Sam. That was clearly a box for CARS. If we all put everything back in the wrong boxes we would never find anything.

Try not to get annoyed with partner for always putting the toys away in the wrong boxes, despite explaining the system several times.

Stop thinking about it, you tell yourself. Think sexy thoughts…

‘You are thinking about Fireman Sam aren’t you?’ Partner says.

‘No,’ you reply. ‘I only have eyes for you my darling…’

“Come on. You know you want to…”

You get up and move Fireman Sam into the correct box. While you are there you notice there is a stray block in the box. Put block away only to find a single piece of jigsaw in block box. Start searching through the jigsaw cupboard to find which one the piece belongs to…

Husband coughs.

Get back to the romance.

Romance progresses to socks off and partner leans in to whisper something into your ear…you presume sweet nothings…

‘Is it me or does this settee really smell of wee?’’

Both agree to put settee sex on hold and watch TV.

Three days later the grandparents take the children out for a few hours so you decide to spend the time having lots of sex (followed by sorting out toy boxes and underwear drawer).

Partner heads for the bedroom.

Explain you can’t just go from ‘wiping a toddler’s bum to feeling all frisky’.

Suggest that ‘having lunch and just talking would be nice’ first.

Compromise by having coffee and biscuits in bed.

Start showing each other pictures of the baby on your phones.

Realise you now only have ten minutes left before the baby is due back.

Romantic relations postponed.

Two weeks later. Both decide you probably need a whole night away to have really good postnatal action so leave the baby with the grandparents and go to posh hotel.

Enjoy your first ever night away from the baby by eating, drinking, making merry, drinking some more and finally having fantastic, mind-blowing postnatal romance (probably, you can’t quite remember due to all the drinking).

Six weeks later mind-blowing postnatal hotel romance confirmed in the form of a positive pregnancy test.

So there you have it.  While you have young babies it is inevitable that some nights you will opt for sleep rather then sex and other nights you will opt for sex but get teething.

But it’s not forever.

You are raising little humans together. Falling in love with them more each day and watching in amazement as they smile, laugh or sit up for the first time. Supporting each other through the challenges and sleepless nights. You are sharing new experiences on the adventure that is parenthood in all its overwhelming, terrifying, incredible glory.

What could be more mind-blowing than that?

Do you find much time for romance now you have babies? Feel free to share your stories in the comments below or join me for a chat on Facebook or Twitter!

The post How to Have S.E.X When You Have Babies appeared first on SLEEP IS FOR THE WEAK.

You are either too tired, too skint or you can’t find anyone to watch the kids.

It is also very likely that when the day of the ‘big date’ arrives, instead of feeling excited about this opportunity to leave the house at night, you find yourself filled with a sudden dread at having to wear something other than pyjamas post 7pm.

So what happens when you do finally make it out?

Feel free to read my piece here at Metro UK to find out! 

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