All by myself.

Not because I enjoy playing with toddler toys on my own, (ok, maybe a bit) but in an attempt to get my young daughters to show an interest in something other than chocolate.

“Who wants to come and play with this all-singing, all-dancing massively annoying Olaf the Snowman?” I say eagerly wiggling the toy in front of the one-year-old.

“Please have more chocolate?” She says.

“How about you?” I ask the three-year-old. “Have you got a warm hug for Olaf?”

“I think he wants chocolate actually mummy. Can I have some chocolate for him?”

Obviously, my children haven’t just been eating sweets all Christmas. They have also had plenty of fun playing with a whole host of other things…none of which were actually presents.

So friends, relatives and Santa Claus – put away those Argos cards because my toddlers have come up with a gift list for next year based on what they really wanted for Christmas…

My Children’s Christmas List 2015 

Mummy’s mobile phone.

Daddy’s mobile phone.

Any unattended REAL mobile phone (FYI, If I can’t talk to Sammy the Cat, the Police or Nana – it is NOT a phone).

Hair (preferably freshly pulled from a head).

Crap off the floor.

An endless supply of stuff to unwrap. It doesn’t matter what the ‘stuff’ is. When it comes to presents, it is what’s on the outside that counts. The bigger and brighter the package the better.

Scissors (That actually cut hair and stuff – those plastic Peppa Pig ones? Please…what is the point?).

Glasses (preferably pulled from the face of a person who can’t see to retrieve them).

Baby wipes.

All of the spoons from the kitchen drawer.

Hats (Mummy’s knickers).

Stuff out of a handbag.

Chocolate.

Shoe insoles.

A pyjama party in Mummy’s bed. At 4am.

Wires.

The remote control.

Batteries out of the remote control.

More chocolate.

So, next year the only toys I will be buying are the ones I want to play with. Probably by myself. 

What were your favourite…sorry, I mean your children’s favourite presents this year? Feel free to comment below or join me on Facebook or Twitter.

For anyone who has had a sleep-deprived Christmas you may want to check out my Survival Guide.  Or, have you accidentally got yourself a hangover? Here’s how to entertain them when you feel rough and this recipe could be the perfect cure!

The post Why I am not buying my kids ANY toys next Christmas appeared first on SLEEP IS FOR THE WEAK.

I don’t usually post recipes. This isn’t really that kind of blog. Plus, I don’t actually know any.

However, the delicious chicken soup my husband makes is so good (when I say ‘good’ I mean BANE OF MY LIFE) I thought I would share it with you.

INGREDIENTS:

• Chicken
• Toddler
• Fridge
• Pan

Roast a chicken for dinner.

Retain the carcass and announce you are going to use it to make some Delicious Chicken Soup.

Bath children and put them to bed

Return to kitchen to make soup.

“DADDY CAN I HAVE A DRINK?”

Get drink for toddler. Return to kitchen to make soup.

“DADDY I HAVE LOST MY DUMMY.”

Find dummy for toddler.

Forget about plan to make Delicious Chicken Soup.

Wife throws away chicken remains.

ONE WEEK LATER

Roast a chicken for dinner.

Retain the carcass so you can make some Delicious Chicken Soup.

Wife says: “You won’t make soup, you will leave it on the side all night like last time”.

“No, I WILL make some Delicious Chicken Soup.” You tell wife.

Put chicken carcass in a pan and boil up for stock.

Put kids to bed.

Forget about pan of chicken remains.

At work the following day get text from wife: “I knew you would end up leaving that chicken crap out.”

Wife throws out chicken crap.

ONE WEEK LATER

Cook chicken dinner and boil leftover carcass for a Delicious Chicken Soup that you will definitely make this time.

Wife shouts: “Do you want to watch a film and drink wine before the kids wake up?”

Put chicken stock mixture in fridge and postpone making Delicious Chicken Soup until the following day.

TWO WEEKS LATER

Throw out two-week old homemade chicken stock.

Make a roast dinner and retain chicken carcass so you can definitely, definitely make a Delicious Chicken Soup.

Wife says: “Please do not make a Delicious Chicken Soup. And by ‘do not make Delicious Chicken Soup’ I mean do NOT leave leftover chicken crap in the kitchen.”

Decide that this time nothing will get in the way of making Delicious Chicken Soup.

After dinner boil up carcass for a stock.

Drain chicken stock into a pot.

Discover there are no onions.

Put stock in the fridge and plan to finish making Delicious Chicken Soup once you have bought onions.

THREE DAYS LATER

Remember about plan to make Delicious Chicken Soup.

Look in fridge for the stock.

Find note from wife in fridge. “Throw out this bloody chicken crap and please refrain from making delicious chicken soup. Ever. Or I will divorce you.”

Smile to yourself and think she will certainly not divorce you once she tastes your Delicious Chicken Soup.

Which you will make.

Definitely.

Tomorrow.

Probably.

For more of James The Husband’s recipes including How To Make Delicious Homemade Bread (buy all ingredients to make bread, place in cupboard for two years, throw away out-of-date bread-making ingredients, buy all ingredients to make bread, place in cupboard for two years, throw away out-of-date bread-making ingredients repeat x 100) then feel free to subscribe to VIP emails..

PS: I apologise for the extensive use of the hideous word ‘carcass’.

THE BOOK

Check out my new book that contains no baby sleep advice whatsoever (or recipes)… Just lots of laughs and tips on surviving the sleepless nights from someone who has been there!

Sleep Is For The Weak: How To Survive When Your Baby Won’t Go The FzZk To Sleep at book shops or on Amazon now!!

Feel free to comment or join me on Facebook, Instagram or Twitter.  You can also subscribe for more useless information like this using the form below.

The post How To Make Delicious Chicken Soup When You Have Babies appeared first on SLEEP IS FOR THE WEAK.

When I say preparing, I mean, lying awake at night worrying about the best way to get your child ready for this important milestone.

How can I help my child do well at school? What if she hates it? What if she cries at the school gates? What if I cry at the school gates? Will she eat her lunch?

This week I will be waving goodbye to my just four year old and leaving her to embark on her academic journey – without me.

I am not sure I am ready for this. It feels like only yesterday she was a tiny baby in my arms. Now just as I am (kind of) getting to grips with parenthood, I have a whole new set of things to worry about.

Will she manage to wipe her own bum? Will she wash her hands? Should she be able to read books?  Or do times tables? Will there be mean kids? Will she be overwhelmed, tired or scared? 

At least at home I can protect her from horrible children, germs and princessy shit.

While she is in my care I can hold her when she cries or comfort her when she feels sad. I can make her laugh when she is grumpy or kiss her better when she falls over. I can untwist her knickers when she pulls them up the wrong way, I can wash her hands before lunch and tell her it is ok if she can’t do something right first time. 

But what will she do when I am not there?

In the end, I did what I always do when I have no idea what I am doing – rang my mum.

“Mum, my baby school tomorrow and I have no idea what I am doing…I have not even brought a pencil case. What if I can’t get us all ready in time if I have had a bad night with the toddler?  Should she be able to draw a house yet? SHE CAN’T EVEN DRAW A HOUSE FOR GOODNESS SAKE! I am just not going to send her. Shall I just not send her mother?”

“Right,” said my mum calmly. “The main thing is that she enjoys it and has fun.”

“Fun? That’s all you’ve got?”

“Oh, and try not to drop her off in your pyjamas. It will inevitably be the one time the teacher wants to talk to you.”

“As if I would do that…” At this point I realised it was 11am and we were all still in our pyjamas. She had a point.

Unable to come up with any useful tips, I have written a list of things I am pretty sure won’t help my daughter do well at school.

1. Buying her uniform from Aldi at the last minute.

Do I go for the classic pinafore dress, trousers or a skirt? Polo shirt or button up shirt? After agonising all summer about what to buy, by the time I got around to uniform shopping everywhere had mostly sold out. So I bought whatever was left. However, I imagine it will have no bearing on her academic achievements.

2. Trying not to look like an idiot at the school gates. Whether I cry, hover over her, hug her for too long or ask the teacher a thousand questions. Whatever I need to do to deal with this massive step in my parenting journey, chances are my child won’t even notice. She’ll be too busy checking out the facilities. ‘MUM THEY HAVE HAND DRYERS IN THE TOILETS!!’

3. Teaching her to paint like Da Vinci… I am pretty sure that by attempting to get her to ‘refine’ her art every day this week, the only thing I have succeeded in doing is to make her sick of painting. They may learn things in their own time. But they will learn things.

4. I told my daughter that at school she must not shout out ‘poo’ or ‘bum’ a lot like she does at home. She responded to this request by shouting ‘POO BUM A LOT LIKE AT HOME’. Continuously. Lesson learnt. Tell a four year old not to do something and they will most definitely do it!

5. Buying her expensive trainers. When I was at school I told my parents I definitely needed Nike Air trainers. They told me they couldn’t afford them and bought me Nicks from Poundstretcher. I told them they had ruined my life. It is a miracle I managed to pass my exams and go on to study at university under the circumstances.

So in conclusion maybe, just maybe my mum was right…

 Has anyone else got a child about to go up to pre-school/school? How are you preparing for this?  For some great advice visit schoolguide.co.uk. Feel free to comment in the box below or join us for a chat on Facebook or Twitter. 

The post Five Things That Will NOT Help Your Child Do Well At School appeared first on SLEEP IS FOR THE WEAK.