So this Christmas I have built magnificent castles out of Duplo, coloured in the entire cast of Frozen, pushed baby dolls around the house in their new pram, shouted “you have to press the button to talk” into Spongebob Walkie Talkies sixteen times, spoken to a horse and Grandad on a toy phone, played the drums and completed three jigsaws…
All by myself.
Not because I enjoy playing with toddler toys on my own, (ok, maybe a bit) but in an attempt to get my young daughters to show an interest in something other than chocolate.
“Who wants to come and play with this all-singing, all-dancing massively annoying Olaf the Snowman?” I say eagerly wiggling the toy in front of the one-year-old.
“Please have more chocolate?” She says.
“How about you?” I ask the three-year-old. “Have you got a warm hug for Olaf?”
“I think he wants chocolate actually mummy. Can I have some chocolate for him?”
Obviously, my children haven’t just been eating sweets all Christmas. They have also had plenty of fun playing with a whole host of other things…none of which were actually presents.
So friends, relatives and Santa Claus – put away those Argos cards because my toddlers have come up with a gift list for next year based on what they really wanted for Christmas…
My Children’s Christmas List 2015
Mummy’s mobile phone.
Daddy’s mobile phone.
Any unattended REAL mobile phone (FYI, If I can’t talk to Sammy the Cat, the Police or Nana – it is NOT a phone).
Hair (preferably freshly pulled from a head).
Crap off the floor.
An endless supply of stuff to unwrap. It doesn’t matter what the ‘stuff’ is. When it comes to presents, it is what’s on the outside that counts. The bigger and brighter the package the better.
Scissors (That actually cut hair and stuff – those plastic Peppa Pig ones? Please…what is the point?).
Glasses (preferably pulled from the face of a person who can’t see to retrieve them).
All of the spoons from the kitchen drawer.
Hats (Mummy’s knickers).
Stuff out of a handbag.
A pyjama party in Mummy’s bed. At 4am.
The remote control.
Batteries out of the remote control.
So, next year the only toys I will be buying are the ones I want to play with. Probably by myself.
For anyone who has had a sleep-deprived Christmas you may want to check out my Survival Guide. Or, have you accidentally got yourself a hangover? Here’s how to entertain them when you feel rough and this recipe could be the perfect cure!