TRYING to get a baby to fall asleep is a frustration that every parent will face at some point.

Neither of my babies liked to go to sleep. Some nights it could take anything up to four hours to get them to doze off, so I spent a lot of  time desperately browsing the Internet for The Answer.  As a result, I tried a lot of weird and wonderful techniques. Here are a few ways I tried and failed to get my babies to go the f**K to sleep:

Kiwi fruit or banana before bed because apparently they contain some magical sleep inducer. VERDICT: I may as well have given them speed.

Baby massage to relax and calm your little one into slumber .                                                 VERDICT: Baby oil + very lively baby = mess.

A jumperoo that we bought because our daughter once fell asleep after bouncing in the one at playgroup                                                                                                                                           VERDICT: Turned out to be a one -off event. A one-off event that cost us £80.

Patting their bum which supposedly emulates the mother’s heart beat and lulls the baby into dreamland.                                                                                                                   VERDICT:  This possibly works better if you have a baby who will actually LIE still and be patted.

Giving them a dream feed in the hope they will be full up and sleep for longer.                                  VERDICT: This did not go well. So imagine if you were fast asleep and someone woke you up by shoving a sandwich into your mouth. You’d be pretty pissed off, right?

Wean them off the night feeds because if there is no milk on offer they’ll stop waking up , right?  VERDICT: Wrong. This method assumes they are waking up because they are hungry. My babies just wanted to be awake – milk or no milk.

White noise because what could be more relaxing than the sound of the ocean waves.                    VERDICT: I would have to turn it up really loud to get the baby to hear it over her NOISE! Plus now every time I go to a beach I hear a baby screaming.

Bore them to sleep by explaining in great detail about what is is like to watch paint dry.   VERDICT: Unfortunately, my baby seemed  fascinated by this subject.

Mummy is here little one…

Make a replacement mummy so that when they start to doze off they will think you are there beside them. As my little one used to like to twiddle my hair I used my childhood Big Doll Samantha and sneakily replaced my hair for hers..

VERDICT: Yeah, yeah, OK. She is a bit terrifying. It would be safe to say the baby absolutely crapped herself.

Lick their ear lobes because someone on a Mumsnet thread swore by it and I had tried everything else and I was so tired and why the hell not and DON’T JUDGE ME.               VERDICT: Success. My baby drifted off into a peaceful snooze…Ok, this did not happen. This technique is bollocks. Obviously.

So I did not have any luck with any of these things but I have since discovered a few more unique methods that may be worth a bash. I wrote about them all over at Metro UK.. if you fancy a read.

I have also been writing about diets and talking about this Slimfast advert. WARNING: Once you have watched it you can never un-watch it.  Alexandra Burke and her breasts will be forever bobbing about in my mind. Anyway, I wrote it all down in  9 reasons not to go on a diet. 

 More hot tips in my book Sleep is for the Weak: How to survive when your baby won’t go the fzZk to sleep.  Available from book shops or on Amazon now!! 

Feel free to share your hot tips in the comments below or join me on Facebook, Instagram or Twitter.  You can also subscribe for more useless information like this using the form below.. 

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You crave adult company but at the same time you are too bloody tired for adult company.

Some days talking to anyone over the age of two seems like way too much effort. But on other days you would quite like a moan, a laugh and a chat (ideally over wine) with someone who gets it.

But it is hard to make friends when you are always exhausted. It becomes difficult just to hold a conversation. It impairs your mental filter, tramples over your inhibitions and makes it hard to concentrate on what is being said.

So unfortunately, sleep-deprived parents are not much of a catch but fear not – there is hope for the perfect ‘Mumance’. 

Here is my guide to picking up (tired) parents when you are sleep-deprived:

LOWER YOUR EXPECTATIONS

Let’s face it. Those well-rested parents with their clean hair and matching socks are well out of your league.

They will discuss Annabel Karmel recipes, politics and the latest big TV show you still haven’t got around to watching while drinking decaf lattes. You will end up looking like an idiot and it’ll all end in tears. Your tears.

So Aim LOWER. Look for the parents wearing dark glasses and stained clothes who reek of dry shampoo and stale vomit. The ones feeding their babies an Ella’s Kitchen straight from the packet because they forgot to pack a spoon.

These are the ones for you.

Aim for the vomity smelling ones

STALKING YOUR PREY

Bagging yourself a Sleep-Deprived Parent can be tricky on account of the fact they are often too tired to leave the house. But there are a few places you may be able to pick one up.

Old people cafes: You may assume that Starbucks is the exhausted mums hang out of choice, but the truth is many of them try to avoid those places. Instead they opt for the less popular back street tea rooms, or simply grab a free coffee from Waitrose and drink it in the car. The thing is, we are in it for the coffee ONLY. We do not want to queue, bump into ‘someone we know’ or be asked questions. Flat white? Latte? One or two shots? Decaf? Medium or large? Drink in or takeaway? Something to eat with that? Shut the hell up and give me caffeine.

Car parks: Any sleep-deprived parent will know that you DO not wake a (finally) sleeping baby. So when they fall asleep in the car it is a rare opportunity to sit and do nothing until they wake up.

Walking round (and round and round and round) the park: A sleep-hating baby will occasionally sleep in the pram. On the condition that the pram is moving. So although walking is an effort for the sleep-deprived parent, it is preferable to being Inside With A Grumpy Tired Baby.

MAKING YOUR MOVE

When wooing an exhausted parent, it is important to remember that less is more. If you rush straight in with questions you’ll scare them off. Start with a statement that does not require an answer from them. A single sentence that lets them know that you are one of them is recommended.  This way they can either smile and politely retreat or welcome the chance for a brief exchange with a fellow tired parent.

Suggestions:

‘I am so tired I have no idea what I have come in here for.’

‘Sometimes I wish sleep had a face so I could punch it.’

For maximum effect, follow up by flicking your freshly dry-shampooed hair in their direction.

SEALING THE DEAL

So you have met The One. You talked, you laughed, you moaned about how tired you are and you exchanged numbers.

My friend who I have never met

You feel like you have finally found someone who you could talk to. Really talk to. You know, about important stuff like ‘how to buy booze when you have babies with you without looking like a massive wino,’ or discuss how cheap stuff is in Aldi (seriously, £1.79 for a washing basket)!

Someone who won’t get offended if you forget to reply to a text message or cancel plans at the last minute. Someone with whom you can drink coffee on your urine-stained sofa and put the world to rights (or maybe just list your top five savoury snacks).

A perfectly imperfect friend.

Who you may never see again.

Because sleep-deprived parents are really bad at making plans. They are forgetful, disorganised and rarely remember to return phone calls. But all is not lost. Thanks to the Internet you can enjoy an effort-free friendship without leaving the house. Make friends with The One on Facebook, Twitter or What’s App.

Make grand plans to meet that you both know will probably never happen. Send each other selfies of you and your baby still awake at 4am, swear about dinner time and moan about bedtime – all from the comfort of your front room.

Bide your time and then one day, when you both start to feel marginally less knackered, maybe, just maybe, you’ll manage to meet up in real life…

How do you pick up parent friends?  Do you have any hot tips? Feel free to share in the comments below.  

If you fancy stalking me on Facebook or twitting me up on Twitter then you are very welcome….misery loves company… PS: Facebook will not show you all my posts (unless I pay many pounds that I do not have) feel free to subscribe to get these ‘hot tips’ straight to your inbox.

The post How to pick up women when you have babies appeared first on SLEEP IS FOR THE WEAK.

SOMETIMES I get to the end of the day and I

Yet, I look around me. The washing up bowl is full of dirty dishes, there is a grubby baby sock on the kitchen sideboard, there are toys everywhere, and the baby is covered in this morning’s Weetabix.  

What have I actually been doing? 

To get to the bottom of this, I decided to look at the Things To Do list I wrote at the beginning of the year to see what progress I have made.

Turns out.  Not. A. Lot.   

THING TO (DEFINITELY) DO THIS YEAR

1) Move the dirty baby sock from kitchen sideboard.

The reason such a simple task made it to number one of my list is because it has been on my sideboard for A MONTH.  I am not quite sure how it got there.  Every time I see it I think, I must move that sock, but then whenever I am on my way to the sock something else ALWAYS COMES UP.  I got close once. I actually picked up the sock.  I turned to walk towards the washing basket with the sock.  Look at me, I thought. I am looking after a baby and a toddler, I have only had two hours sleep, but here I am moving the sock. GETTING STUFF DONE.  Go me. I can do this.

OR NOT.

Just as I was about to leave the kitchen The Toddler informed me of her urgent need to WEE NOW MUMMY and I then spotted The Baby trying to eat a battery. I returned the sock to the sideboard, and before I knew it, all thoughts of baby sock cleaning were gone from my mind. *

2) Do ALL the washing (to include dirty baby sock). Ensure washing bin is EMPTY and ALL clean washing is put away and not just left in the baskets. (2015 WILL be the year we keep our clothes in wardrobes and drawers).

God, I was a dick in January.

3) Clean settee to remove the stench of vomity/stale milk/wee/wine. (Buy settee cleaning equipment). 

Or?  Buy Febreeze, a giant throw and avoid having any guests who like sitting down?

4) Call Orange and tell them my phone is broken. My phone has been broken for three months. It is still broken. I have gotten around this by simply not making any phone calls. This is not ideal.  I tried to call them just now in the hope I could sneakily tick this off the list…but as I was about to ‘talk to an advisor’ the baby started choking. (on a flipping battery).

5) Tape up the broken remote control so the baby can’t try to eat the batteries.

If this had been item one then I might have had more luck with other items on this list.

6) STOP feeding the children Smiley Faces.   

Whenever I open the freezer with every intention of making a healthy home-cooked dinner (that the kids will definitely NOT eat but I can feel good about myself for cooking). THEY ARE THERE. Beaming up at me. I would like to wipe the smile of their stupid, delicious faces. Eat me, they shout.  We are only potatoes. What is so bad about potatoes? Cook us with some frozen veg and fish fingers and you have a nutritious meal fit for a…baby.

They had me at potatoes.  Grinning little gits.

7) Take the baby to a baby group (to ensure she will not turn out to be a sociopath/socially inept/unable to perform all the moves to Wheels on the Bus). 

Every Wednesday the exciting Drink Tea and Talk About Babies While Stopping Your Baby Steal Toys Of Other Babies takes place in town.  I really should go along. Integrate with other mums in the community, talk baby food and breastfeeding… while mostly spending the entire time thinking stuff like:  Why is my baby is not sorting shapes yet?  That eleven month old just got the triangle in the correct hole TWICE.   My twelve-month-old is just licking the square. Must start doing more shape sorting. We are going to sort the hell out of some shapes when we get home, then we’ll come back and show that shape-sorting little swot a thing or two.   

I have been once. Not because it is boring (it is but I can handle a bit of boredom to ensure my baby doesn’t turn into non-shape sorting recluse) but because it is at 9.15am in the morning.  This is ridiculous.

Every week I attempt to get myself, The Baby and The Toddler all ready and out of the house by 9am.  Every week I fail.

8) Stop bribing the children with biscuits.

What was I thinking? Take away the biscuits, take away the power.

9) Wean the baby off the night feeds.  (Or rather, wean myself off using my boobs to get her to sleep/shut her up during the night). 

Well, I am still breastfeeding at night when required. I am too tired to give up my pacifying tools just yet.  Plus it means I can keep my C cups for a bit longer…

 10) GET ORGANISED.  Write a Things To Do List once a month so you stay on top of all the Things That Need Doing.  

As I said. I was a dick in January.    

So progress? NIL.   

Before I had children I had it all worked out.  I would look after the babies and do freelance work while James the Husband worked full time at his heavenly haven of hot coffee and adult conversation… sorry, I mean office.  It seemed like the ideal set up. I would write from home, get things done, maybe even finish my Great Novel, get more stuff done, all in the afternoons while the babies were having their naps.

Because babies took naps, right?  Long naps. All afternoon?  And parents use this time to catch up on sleep, have a cup of tea or to Get Things Done?

Turns out not all babies want to nap in the afternoon, or in the morning, or ever.

So, things didn’t quite go to plan… 

Instead, my life is a constant battle to get things done, get some sleep or get babies to sleep so I can get things done.  And when I am not trying to get things done, I am worrying about not getting things done.  I wish the Things would just piss off and leave me alone. I am tired. I am totally exhausted. Some days I barely have the energy to eat or wash my hair let alone to write a Great Novel or do a load of frigging THINGS.

So how do you Get Things Done when your babies won’t go to sleep or stay asleep or leave you the hell alone for five minutes? 

You don’t.

Although, I am starting to think that in the time it took me to write this list and then write about the list I could probably have done some of the things on the list.

* Since finishing this article the sock has finally been moved. I told James the Husband about my sideboard sock plight one night (yes our conversations are that riveting) and he simply picked up the sock and put it in the washing machine, like some kind of sock-moving expert.  (By the way, James the Husband is not a big sexist who believes sock moving is a woman’s job. He had either a) not even noticed the sock, b) had noticed the sock but assumed it was where the socks are kept now, or c) seen the sock but didn’t think it was a problem).      

However, there are now three other socks in its place so I am back to square one.

MY BOOK FOR TIRED PARENTS

Check out my book that contains no baby sleep advice whatsoever… Just lots of laughs and stories about surviving the sleepless nights from someone who has been there!

Sleep Is For The Weak: How To Survive When Your Baby Won’t Go The FzZk To Sleep at book shops or on Amazon now!!

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I have a confession to make.

I secretly hate parents of babies who sleep through the night.

Ok, maybe hate is a bit of a strong word. I don’t actually hate them; it is more that sometimes I want to punch them in the face.  I am aware this is wrong and I apologise to all my friends with sleepy babies.

It is simply a result of exhausted irritation and just plain jealousy.

THE PARENTS   

You can spot them a mile off. They nearly always have smiles on their faces, neat hair and matching socks.  They usually have a massive changing bag containing little pots of homemade baby food, spare bibs, toys and neatly folded muslin cloths that haven’t gone grey.  They DO not and NEVER would have an oversized handbag in which they have quickly thrown a few nappies, wipes and a packet of biscuits before rushing out of the house.

They arrive early for the parent and baby groups that always start at stupid o clock in the morning, and are bright-eyed and eager to join in the songs with aplomb.

THE BABIES   

They will usually be wearing ironed baby grows  (I haven’t used an iron since 2010) complete with matching hat and with no ground-in yellow poo stains. They are almost always well-behaved sorts, playing happily with toys or (more often than not) asleep in their pram/car seat, while mummy or daddy enjoys a cup of tea and a chat.

TO ALL PARENTS OF BABIES THAT SLEEP THROUGH THE NIGHT…

PLEASE, spare a thought for us victims of the Sleep Stealers.  You can’t miss us.  We are usually at least an hour late for the baby groups- if we make it at all.  But please forgive our tardiness.  With exhaustion clouding our once fine memories, we have normally had to go back into the house from the car at least three times to retrieve some forgotten item before we can finally hit the road.   We won’t have had time to dry our hair and we will probably have baby vomit/snot on one shoulder.  If you look closely you will spot a manic ‘if I can just get through the day with my babies still in one piece I will be happy’ look in our eyes.

So, please do not complain too much because your normally sleeps-twelve-hours-a-night bundle of joy woke you up once for a drink, or about the night you only got five hours sleep when your little darling was teething, because it will probably make us cry…or punch you in the face.

In the spirit of confessions, there are just a few more things I need to get off my chest:

I have told people my baby is teething when she is just being a pain in the arse.

I have closed my eyes and tried to sneak in a sleep while in the queue in the supermarket.

I blame everything on sleep-deprivation. Even on days when I am not that tired. While things like missing appointments, forgetting people’s names, breaking crockery, being late, cooking inedible dinners and my house being a mess are usually a result of exhaustion; sometimes they are just down to my own stupidity.

I often leave the house wearing clothes that have baby snot or vomit on them. If anyone mentions it I pretend to be truly horrified that I hadn’t seen it before I came out.

I have claimed my baby is sick to get out of a social occasion.

When my kids are being particularly hard work I stick my fingers up at them when they are not looking.

I sometimes watch my husband sleeping peacefully while I have been up all night with the baby and fantasise about punching him in the face.

I often tell my kids that noisy toys are ‘broken’.

I have squirted my breast milk in my coffee when I have run out of regular milk.  (If you are thinking of trying this I would suggest milk before coffee to avoid a scolded nipple. I learnt the hard way).

I don’t bother changing my bed covers if the baby urinates, throws up or poos on my husband’s side.

I have eaten food straight out of the tin because I couldn’t be bothered to wash up a pan or bowl.

I wear the same pair of socks until they smell. This can be anything up to a week.

I never wash my bras.

I swear a lot. Now I have kids and can’t openly swear, I feel the need to curse more than ever. On a good day I do it under my breath, on a bad day I lock myself in the bathroom, flush the chain and let off some sweary steam.

I once tried sucking a dummy because I couldn’t sleep while the baby slept. It didn’t work. I tried dunking it in whisky. It still didn’t work.

I have drank wine before breastfeeding my daughter at night to see if it would help her sleep (it didn’t).

I bribe my toddlers with biscuits or chocolate on a regular basis – two more victims of obese Britain.

I have dropped stuff on the baby’s head while I have tried to do other things while breastfeeding. For example: spaghetti bolognese, my phone, wine and an ice cream.

I breastfed my second baby for two years was not because of the health benefits like people assumed – but because I was too lazy to wean her.

I only shave my legs when hair starts to pop through my leggings.

I moan about them, swear at them, lie to them and they keep me up all night, but my biggest confession of all? I bloody love my kids. I love being a mum and I wouldn’t change a thing.

I feel really, really pleased when friends with ‘good sleepers’ have one bad night with the baby.

I have tried to teach the toddler the clean/get me things game. The dream is to raise her as my servant. The way I see it – she owes me.

I once let the toddler chew a (clean) Tampax so I could get five minutes peace.

I moan about them, swear at them, lie to them and they keep me up all night, but my biggest confession of all? I bloody love my kids. I love being a mum and I wouldn’t change a thing!

I am not proud of myself.  Am I a bad parent?  I hope not.  It is a matter of survival. I like to believe that if I wasn’t so shattered I would spend my days preparing homemade baby food, ironing baby grows and making spaceships out of cereal boxes. Maybe….

Feel free to share your confessions here (basically to make me feel better about myself) or join me on Facebook or Twitter if you fancy it… Or for more No-Sleep Solutions click here..

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