Spend the first six months of parenthood in your pyjamas trying to get your baby to sleep, trying to get some sleep and trying to get stuff done on barely any sleep.
Establish a good bedtime routine. This is key to everything. Babies like to know exactly what to expect. So that they can do the exact opposite.
After discovering that, apparently, everybody else’s baby sleeps through the night, take approximately one month to read baby sleep books, search the internet for baby sleep solutions and visit the health visitor on a weekly basis convinced something must be wrong with your child.
After being unable to leave the house for three days due to lack of sleep, decide you will have to sleep train your baby that night.
Too exhausted to sleep train baby. Postpone until the following day.
Still too tired.
Four days later you slightly less tired so decide to start sleep training.
Put the baby into her cot ‘drowsy BUT not awake’ (the golden rule of sleep training).
She immediately screams her head off. Tell her calmly, it is sleep time and leave the room.
Baby screams even louder. Immediately return to her room and pick her up.
Wonder if she might be teething.
Tell husband about possible teething and both decide to postpone sleep training, just to be on the safe side.
One week later commence sleep training.
Husband puts baby down, she screams. He leaves the room.
She screams even louder.
Discuss how long we should leave her. Five minutes maybe?
More screaming.
Tell husband you are going in.
Husband points out it has only been 45 seconds.
Inconsolable crying now.
Discuss possibility that she might have banged her head or been sick.
Go and get the baby.
Both fuss over her and feel guilty for leaving her to cry.
For three minutes.
Decide to research a different sleep training method in the morning that does not involve controlling crying.
Baby then stays awake all night to make it clear she was not happy about the sleep training attempt.
Forget about plan to sleep train baby.
Pass out in Sainsbury’s with exhaustion and vow to definitely sleep train the baby.
That night put baby in her cot sleepy but awake.
Baby immediately stands up and screams.
You pick her up, cuddle her, then just as she is looking comfortable in your arms – put her back in the cot.
She immediately cries.
Pick up, cuddle, put back down.
Repeat this process until you are too tired to stand up.
Text husband. IT IS YOUR TURN ON THE BABY. I AM GOING TO PASS OUT.
Husband continues with the process until he can barely stand (or his smart phone runs out of battery).
You take over until you are on the verge of a nervous breakdown.
Take the baby into your bed for a ‘few minutes’.
You and the baby fall asleep.
Decide to find a sleep training method that involves less effort.
That night put baby down in cot but do not leave the room. ‘Gradually retreat’ to a seat next to the cot.
Baby throws out her dummy, then screams for her dummy. You give her back her dummy.
Repeat ten times.
Tell yourself she is perfectly ok. She can see you are there; right next to her.
Try singing a lullaby but she can’t hear it over her screaming.
Compromise by stroking her head over the cot bars.
Baby is now even more upset because she thought you were going to get her out.
Attempt to fob baby off by giving her a teddy. She throws out the teddy.
Try to give her a cuddle through the bars. Get arm stuck. Baby holds on to stuck arm for dear life.
Baby bites arm.
Finally wiggle arm out and the baby is jumping up and down in anger.
Baby bangs her chin on cot.
You get her out and give her a cuddle.
Delay sleep training until tomorrow due to chin injury.
The next day the baby is a little bit grumpy. Decide she might be coming down with something.
Put off sleep training.
The baby turns one and you celebrate surviving an entire year of barely any sleep by falling asleep before Coronation Street.
Make the decision that you must absolutely sleep train the baby that night.
Husband takes the baby up to her room.
Ten minutes later there is still no screaming. He returns downstairs.
Husband confesses he did not put her down ‘drowsy but awake’.
“She fell asleep on me, ” he shrugs.
Have a row with husband about the importance of putting her down ‘drowsy but awake’.
Decide it is pointless doing sleep training tonight as husband has ‘buggered it up’.
Sulk with husband for two days then decide to definitely, definitely, start sleep training. Seriously.
No. Matter. What.
On the third night of very gradually retreating nowhere baby sleeps for five hours straight.
Believe you have turned a corner.
Announce on Facebook that baby is practically sleeping through the night.
Tell everyone you know baby is practically sleeping through the night.
That night the baby wakes up TWELVE times.
One month later you have not gradually retreated any further than the chair beside the cot. And the baby is still waking up most of the night, every night.
Realise you are actually more exhausted than before you started sleep training
The baby doesn’t even scream now. She just stares smugly, throws her dummy out or sings. But should you even think about moving from the chair. She unleashes hell.
Get a more comfy chair.
Try putting baby to bed later.
Still she wakes.
Try putting baby to bed earlier.
Still she wakes.
Quit sleep training.
Stop Googling about the baby not sleeping, stop worrying about the baby not sleeping and accept that your baby is not sleeping.
Resign yourself to that fact that after a two-year battle the ‘sleep thief’ has won.
Happy in her victory (and by now suitably exhausted) the baby finally, finally, finally
SLEEPS…
…But not before teaching her little sister everything she knows about keeping us awake.
This time around we are not sleep training. I am far too tired. Besides, I am rubbish at it.
Instead, we are using a combination of simple techniques including ‘Get The Baby To Sleep By Whatever Means Necessary’ and ‘Sod It. Just Let Her Sleep In Our Bed’.
For more information on how NOT to get your baby to sleep feel free to sign up to follow this blog on email or join me on Facebook or Twitter. If you are struggling with a sleep thief check out my Survival Guide or read this to find out how to sleep when baby actually sleeps or why not relax with a homemade chicken soup. Or, for actual advice on gentle sleep coaching visit www.lovemornings.com. It is too late for me but save yourselves…
How To Survive A Sleep Thief 
Its so funy how you have literally written my life story! My son turns 2 next month so hopefully he figures it out soon! haha
Ha I will keep my fingers crossed for you!!
[…] This is a hilarious account of parents battle with sleep thieving babies, I have to admit- we have not attempted any sleep training second time […]
This made my day! This is exactly what I done with my first child and by 2 and a bit she started sleeping through the night lol! With baby 2 who’s now 7 weeks, I decided to try some gina ford -_- feel free to find the results on my site, I just posted today! X
Thanks! I will have a read!
Oh, those baby days. That exhaustion… that incredible tiredness. After Baby #1, I let mine sleep in with me, which they did till they were two, and it was blissful*. (*I say blissful, obviously I mean tiring, scary, funny, smelly and tiring. Oh, and tiring, really astonishingly tiring, with a hint of blissful.)
Yep, baby two let’s me get a few hours if she comes in with me…blissfully tiring indeed!!!
[…] last but not least, I loved this article. It gives me hope… that in another year I will sleep through the night again. […]
Do you mind if I link this post in a blog I’m going to publish next week?
No problem! I love your blog. Thanks for asking.
Thanks so much. There is just no way I’d be able to put into words what you have done here. A true, sleep-deprived, work of art!
Ha ha thank you so much!
[…] already know the blog How To Survive A Sleep Thief, check out the post I’m referring to here; it is brilliantly funny, and perfectly sums up everything I wish I could say about living with a […]
Reblogged this on Gems favourite things.
We did the sleep sense program! saved our lives and sanity:) 🙂 🙂 we were literally up every 1-2hrs!! And now happily sleeping through the night. http://www.sleepsense.net/share.html?p=sleepbabysleep&w=buynow
Soy de España, y leyendo este artículo, has calcado mi experiencia con mi criatura, jajaja. Prácticamente llevo ocho meses y se ha cumplido la mayoría de estos puntos. Es como si leyera una profecía sobre mi vida.
I love this so, so much. Thank you!!!!!!!
Thanks for reading!
This is the best written piece on baby and toddler sleep I’ve ever seen, word for word it is my life and my daughter sounds just like yours, especially when reading some of your other articles. We have a little comedian who is very excited about everything in the world and has never wanted to sleep ever! Now 21 months old and breastfeeding at night is only way I get through the days , love it when get comments like I couldn’t breastfeed at that age but then say in same breath they couldn’t cope without yheir 7 or 8 hours sleep! Duh that’s why I’m still doing it, breastfeeding and co – sleeping stopped me from dropping dead with exhaustion , it was survival! Taking a week off work in one month’s time to wean off as dont want to feed bdyond 2, am going in with no illusions after attempting every sleep training method on earth. We have a very strong willed and sleep hating and breastfeeding loving little girl! Thank you for making me laugh, cry and feel normal.
Thank you! You and i are in the same boat. I never planned to long term breastfeed but my youngest is 23 months and bedtime boob is the only way i can get her to sleep! Also, planning on stopping when she is two! Then i never planned on co sleeping either but it became the best way to get a few hours sleep! I just wish i had done it with my first baby instead of going by all the books! Good luck with the weaning my friend!
You are hilarious and a fabulous writer! I’m so glad to have found this blog. It captures my motherhood experience perfectly. I have two girls just like you and both are sleep thieves. Although I thought I had it figured out with the second one by embracing co-sleeping. She slept well until 5 months and now I’m reliving the nightmare, but I’m enjoying it a lot more this time since I know it ends. Thank you so much for writing these. Honestly I felt like I was the only crazy one that ‘chose’ not to sleep because I didn’t want to leave my baby to scream herself to sleep. Now I see it’s not just me 🙂
Thank you so much! It is easier the second time around. Like you say you know it passes! We will sleep…eventually..
I read all of your articles last night. They made me laugh so hard. I shared your article with as many people as I could. Most loved it, but it seems that people who don’t have a sleep thief just don’t get it 🙂 They still think they could ‘train’ any baby. I really find the sleep training books to be the source of all evil. When I get some time I want to write about how the books steal the joy of parenting. At least they did for me with my first. They give a false sense of control, make you insecure about your own instincts and in turn make you feel like a failure when your baby doesn’t fit the mold. Now that I know better I am enjoyig my children and motherhood so much more. I just feel sorry for all the new moms who are told that they can and should be able to get a baby to sleep ’12 hours at 12 weeks’.
Thanks so much. I know exactly what you mean about the books. With my first I was so busy trying to get everything right according to the experts it took all the joy out of motherhood for me too. With my second I am following my instincts. We are still tired but enjoying parentshood much more@