Spend the first six months of parenthood in your pyjamas trying to get your baby to sleep, trying to get some sleep and trying to get stuff done on barely any sleep.
Establish a good bedtime routine. This is key to everything. Babies like to know exactly what to expect. So that they can do the exact opposite.
After discovering that, apparently, everybody else’s baby sleeps through the night, take approximately one month to read baby sleep books, search the internet for baby sleep solutions and visit the health visitor on a weekly basis convinced something must be wrong with your child.
After being unable to leave the house for three days due to lack of sleep, decide you will have to sleep train your baby that night.
Too exhausted to sleep train baby. Postpone until the following day.
Still too tired.
Four days later you slightly less tired so decide to start sleep training.
Put the baby into her cot ‘drowsy BUT not awake’ (the golden rule of sleep training).
She immediately screams her head off. Tell her calmly, it is sleep time and leave the room.
Baby screams even louder. Immediately return to her room and pick her up.
Wonder if she might be teething.
Tell husband about possible teething and both decide to postpone sleep training, just to be on the safe side.
One week later commence sleep training.
Husband puts baby down, she screams. He leaves the room.
She screams even louder.
Discuss how long we should leave her. Five minutes maybe?
More screaming.
Tell husband you are going in.
Husband points out it has only been 45 seconds.
Inconsolable crying now.
Discuss possibility that she might have banged her head or been sick.
Go and get the baby.
Both fuss over her and feel guilty for leaving her to cry.
For three minutes.
Decide to research a different sleep training method in the morning that does not involve controlling crying.
Baby then stays awake all night to make it clear she was not happy about the sleep training attempt.
Forget about plan to sleep train baby.
Pass out in Sainsbury’s with exhaustion and vow to definitely sleep train the baby.
That night put baby in her cot sleepy but awake.
Baby immediately stands up and screams.
You pick her up, cuddle her, then just as she is looking comfortable in your arms – put her back in the cot.
She immediately cries.
Pick up, cuddle, put back down.
Repeat this process until you are too tired to stand up.
Text husband. IT IS YOUR TURN ON THE BABY. I AM GOING TO PASS OUT.
Husband continues with the process until he can barely stand (or his smart phone runs out of battery).
You take over until you are on the verge of a nervous breakdown.
Take the baby into your bed for a ‘few minutes’.
You and the baby fall asleep.
Decide to find a sleep training method that involves less effort.
That night put baby down in cot but do not leave the room. ‘Gradually retreat’ to a seat next to the cot.
Baby throws out her dummy, then screams for her dummy. You give her back her dummy.
Repeat ten times.
Tell yourself she is perfectly ok. She can see you are there; right next to her.
Try singing a lullaby but she can’t hear it over her screaming.
Compromise by stroking her head over the cot bars.
Baby is now even more upset because she thought you were going to get her out.
Attempt to fob baby off by giving her a teddy. She throws out the teddy.
Try to give her a cuddle through the bars. Get arm stuck. Baby holds on to stuck arm for dear life.
Baby bites arm.
Finally wiggle arm out and the baby is jumping up and down in anger.
Baby bangs her chin on cot.
You get her out and give her a cuddle.
Delay sleep training until tomorrow due to chin injury.
The next day the baby is a little bit grumpy. Decide she might be coming down with something.
Put off sleep training.
The baby turns one and you celebrate surviving an entire year of barely any sleep by falling asleep before Coronation Street.
Make the decision that you must absolutely sleep train the baby that night.
Husband takes the baby up to her room.
Ten minutes later there is still no screaming. He returns downstairs.
Husband confesses he did not put her down ‘drowsy but awake’.
“She fell asleep on me, ” he shrugs.
Have a row with husband about the importance of putting her down ‘drowsy but awake’.
Decide it is pointless doing sleep training tonight as husband has ‘buggered it up’.
Sulk with husband for two days then decide to definitely, definitely, start sleep training. Seriously.
No. Matter. What.
On the third night of very gradually retreating nowhere baby sleeps for five hours straight.
Believe you have turned a corner.
Announce on Facebook that baby is practically sleeping through the night.
Tell everyone you know baby is practically sleeping through the night.
That night the baby wakes up TWELVE times.
One month later you have not gradually retreated any further than the chair beside the cot. And the baby is still waking up most of the night, every night.
Realise you are actually more exhausted than before you started sleep training
The baby doesn’t even scream now. She just stares smugly, throws her dummy out or sings. But should you even think about moving from the chair. She unleashes hell.
Get a more comfy chair.
Try putting baby to bed later.
Still she wakes.
Try putting baby to bed earlier.
Still she wakes.
Quit sleep training.
Stop Googling about the baby not sleeping, stop worrying about the baby not sleeping and accept that your baby is not sleeping.
Resign yourself to that fact that after a two-year battle the ‘sleep thief’ has won.
Happy in her victory (and by now suitably exhausted) the baby finally, finally, finally
SLEEPS…
…But not before teaching her little sister everything she knows about keeping us awake.
This time around we are not sleep training. I am far too tired. Besides, I am rubbish at it.
Instead, we are using a combination of simple techniques including ‘Get The Baby To Sleep By Whatever Means Necessary’ and ‘Sod It. Just Let Her Sleep In Our Bed’.
For more information on how NOT to get your baby to sleep feel free to sign up to follow this blog on email or join me on Facebook or Twitter. If you are struggling with a sleep thief check out my Survival Guide or read this to find out how to sleep when baby actually sleeps or why not relax with a homemade chicken soup. Or, for actual advice on gentle sleep coaching visit www.lovemornings.com. It is too late for me but save yourselves…
How To Survive A Sleep Thief 
I don’t have a baby yet. I guess I had better get some get sleep while I can…
Sleep, sleep do nothing but sleep..
Reblogged this on Hart Residents Community Website.
oh boy don’t that bring back memories, I’m glad all six of mine are grown up, now have grandchildren, and you can give them back.
Six? Oh gosh that must have been hard work!
Loved your post, fealt like visiting old days of my daughter. My daughter never slept till 4am in the morning, be it co-sleep or let her sleep in her cot. She would scream, play and i use to be like a zombie. Prayed god to give her sleep so i got get my sleep back…..i am usually into ”non-heard zone of prayers” but once she turned 1, somehting changed in her. She started hitting bed by 11pm, which was not bad compared to 4am…..and throwed party over it. I could see people eyeing me crazy, but i feel its more of the kid. Few kids have more energy then others and few are non-sleepers. You have to just sail along.
Ah thanks so much. Mine was the same – even in bed with me she would often ‘party’ right up until the early hours!
I know of people here in china still co-sleeping with their 22 year old….but that is probably outside the two (or 5?) standard deviations of “normal”…
Ha – well I certainly hope my baby is out of our bed by then!!
Bravo for your very humorous account of an age old struggle between what some might view as the good and the evil. You and your husband are undoubtedly warm and empathetic people who would perhaps rather stray off the path than choose the harsher road, that calls to mind a strict nanny clad in a long, all black dress with a stern expression chiding to “let them cry it out…” Remember Rhett Butler in Gone With The Wind’s diatribe against the cold hearted nanny for turning off all the lights when his daughter was terrified of the dark? “She doesn’t have a cowardly bone in her body!” Follow your heart. Their is nothing like a mother’s intuition. And as someone once reminded me, they likely won’t be sleeping in your bed when they are seventeen.
Ah thanks. I totally forgot about that line in Gone With The Wind. I love Rhett a little bit more now! So true and I hope not…I am squashed enough with her being baby-sized!!
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[…] we were in trouble. Any of you who have read the hilarious blog post from stolensleep.com titled How To Get Your Baby To Sleep Through The Night (In Just TWO Years) will […]
This is my life, and why I now hate nighttime. Reading this is equal parts funny and painful. Nicely done!
Thanks! Holding out for the time night time = sleep time once again!
Absolutely hilarious and rang so true. Except the second time we had twins…
Wow. Twins…I could not even imagine how tiring that must be!!
Bravo for the perfect description of what sleepless hell feels like. My 2nd son hated sleep. He is now 5 years old and still hates to sleep. I send him out to the yard for a few hours, exhaust him and he has no power over the sleep thief. Sweet Dreams.
Ha not just us then!! Now that is a great idea!
Oh my word this is so true. And I’m on baby #3. What the hell is wrong with me?
A glutton for punishment! I struggle with two!
Wonderful post! We went through this with our #1. Just when we thought we had it all figured it, we had twins. When they were four month old, their paediatrician said they were old enough to sleep through the night. I could have kissed him, but I was too tired. He sent us home without a magic wand, just a mere “good luck”… Eventually, it all worked itself out and #4 was born. This little guy was different: he actually liked being left alone at bedtime. By then his older siblings were on a bed time routine, so that may have helped him settle down.
Thanks! It is funny how different they all are! Except mine…both non sleepers, but at least I was well accustomed to sleep deprivation by baby two!
I wonder if this will work with sons in their 30s. 😉
Ha ha worth a try!
This was great! Thank you!
Great post! My baby always learns to sleep through the night the FIRST weekend my wife decides to go out of town. Why? Because I sleep through it all, lol. I’m not proud, but it is almost impossible to wake me up at night… the house would literally burn to the ground around me. After 3 nights of me not responding to my kid crying, something internal sets off and they’ll sleep through the night haha. This has happened three times and my fourth will soon know what it feels like to be totally abandoned in the night, LOL. Trust me, I laugh but I know I’m a terrible person.
Ha ha that is a new one! Dare I ask if you confessed this to your wife!!
Oh SHE knows… that’s why she’s planning to visit some friends in a couple weeks… She leaves, comes back, and all is instantly better in her world 🙂
Ha ha I think she has the right idea!
Ah this is awesome! Thank you thank you. Sleep training worked for DD1, not even vaguely for DD2. Am currently at the ‘zombie mama succumbs’ stage 😉
Thanks! Three years, two sleep hating babies and I think I have actually turned into a zombie. Permanently.
Lord, my LO took about 13 months before she started sleeping through the night. We did exactly what you did, then when she was 10 months, my husband forced me through sleep training because I couldn’t function anymore. It took a month of crying for an hour or two before bed, and she still was up about 3-4 times a night, shrieking like someone was torturing her.. Now it’s AWESOME. I think persistence was key, and it had to do with my still breastfeeding her at the time, and she wasn’t getting enough to keep her full through the night. Feeding her right before bed works even now.
Glad you found something that worked for you and are getting some lovely sleep!!
OMG! This made me laugh! and Cry! and smile! and also decide to put our ‘training’ on hold for one more night… Thanks.
Thank you. Ha sleep training is far too much effort for the sleep deprived!
[…] you do it wrong because all the other babies are sleeping? I could so totally relate when I read Stolen Sleep‘s post about the struggle to get baby to sleep. I consider myself really lucky, because I […]
lol, this is so true I made the mistake of bothering with a cot with my first and paid for it ever since and she was a fairly “good” sleeper. My 2nd and 3rd I skipped the cot and went straight to co-sleeping and been rewarded with lots of sleep ever since 🙂 number 3 is just 4 mths old and we sleep the night away (with a few barely wake ups for milk) and wake up refreshed in the morning, its pretty awesome!
Co sleeping is definitely the way to go! My youngest normally ends up in my bed at night. Just wish I had had the confidence to follow my instincts and co-sleep with my first sleep thief. If I had a third I would do it from day one!
Thank Goodness my baby (now 10 months old) sleeps through the night. I must say I was on the verge of going completely out of my mind at one point.
That is brilliant for ten months old! You do realise now you have announced it she is bound to keep you awake all night tonight. They like to keep us on our toes!
Please do not say that! If so I am going to be on the search for Emily-Jane to help me!
Ha ha good luck my friend!!
hahaha loved, but in my case first attemp didn’t work so co sleeping and we are all happy! Still not seeping through the night but at least I don’t have to get up! xxx
Thank you! Yes we often end up with the youngest in with us these days. Enduring my hair being pulled and being kicked at regular intervals is preferable to getting up and down in the cold!!
[…] huh. Yes. All of this. I’m […]
I’m really lucky I never had to go through all this,
I had my first ever child January 28th 2014, and when we got home so she could sleep I’m her own Moses basket the first ever night she did 5 hours sleep from then it was just going up in hours. By the time she was 2 and a half months old she slept for 9-10 hours. She is nearly 9 months old and now does 9-13 hours, I didn’t really have any help off her dad, and he sadly has moved on with a new gf who he is engaged to, and she has a 4 year old girl, just goes to show sometimes the single parents can do just find on their own with no help with money, bottle making, night shifts etc,
And I work full time as a self employed dog walker and take my little girl with me everyday unless it’s to wet or cold for her, I think the best thing for a baby is fresh air, enough food, a clean nappy every 2-4 hours even if it is a little wet.
I also must add that when my little girl turned 3 months old, I put her in a travel cot until I got a proper one. And she slept through in there too, it doesn’t matter what I do or where I go, my little girl is always good for me, everybody she meets she greets them with the biggest smile on her little face. And she has the most beautiful blue eyes, which people always comment on, and she even sleeps through live music etc, I have posted on facebook saying how good she is and it has not changed. I can say out loud
IM A SINGLE FIRST YIME MOM, AND PROUD OF HOW WELL I HAVE DONE ON MY OWN WITH MY BABY GIRL AND I AM SO VERY PROUD OF HER
You sound like an amazing mum. We struggle with two of us!!
This made me laugh a lot, it’s like reading about my own life!
I have 2 sons 19 & 3 months old. Pair of sleep thieves as you put it.
Usually when I read something about how to bring up kids it just makes me think we’re doing everything wrong. This article made me feel like we’re normal and there are plenty of other people going through the same thing as us. Good work!
Thanks! I love hearing from people going through the same thing too. Make me feel less of a failure!!
Sleep deprivation is terrible, I feel your pain. A health professional told me recently that it’s now against the Geneva Convention for Human Rights to use sleep deprivation as a method of gaining information!
My youngest is almost 3 now and he’s only recently started sleeping. For an entire year between the ages of 6 and 18 months he was waking every 40minutes in the night. Co-sleeping saved my sanity (just).
Thank you for this article, it shows us mothers with sleep thieves are clearly not alone!!!
Thank you for sharing. I know how you feel. We had a long run of every half hour… Co sleeping gives me a few hours with my youngest – if I am lucky. Just wish it had worked with my first sleep thief!
The title along is worth a thousand words.
She’s doing it on purpose. Just let her cry. She’ll calm down after awhile.
I feel for you. I am glad you aren’t one of the tough nuts who let their babies cry themselves to sleep. Babies need to know they can count on you when they are upset. A wise woman once said to me when I had my first child “when a child needs security, they should have it”. That means you, Mama. You’re doing well. Keep up the good work. p.s. Our daughter is expecting their 4th child and she hasn’t slept through the night in nearly 7 years. She looks great but is tired all the time too. Hang in there. They are so worth it. If they grow up knowing they can count on you, you will have a friend for life. Bless you. xo
Thanks for the lovely message! That woman is very wise..if mine are crying in the night a lot of the time they just want the comfort of feeling secure..and who can blame them! Hanging in and cherishing those lazy pyjama days!
[…] He might like to sleep with you, on you, in a pram or in his own cot. Either way, he will learn to sleep through the night eventually. And you will learn not to sleep through the night eventually. So stock up on the coffee, invest in […]
That right there is the story of my life! I was laughing because I do indeed understand and I wish I could say it gets better but my at least every night one of my children get up…..I know they will get there eventually but that seems so far away some days
Ha it has been so long even when the baby does eventually start sleeping I am not sure I could sleep through the night now!
Reblogged this on triciamd25's Blog.
You had only one fight with your husband?!? 😀 My wife and I had discussions upon discussion on what to do with our son, what method to implement. But it was getting harder and harder and when he was around 8 months old we just couldn’t take it and we implemented the “teach your child to self soothe and fall asleep” method which can easily be translated to “let your baby cry in carefully designed intervals until it gives up” Worked like a charm after only 3 days and we’ve been happy since 😀
My wife wrote a longer story of our journey in her article: Every child can learn to sleep
I will have a read! Thanks!
My son is eight now, but I do remember the horrible sleep advice I read in countless books. We co-slept so I never had issues with losing sleep, but I do remember lots and lots of worry over a phrase that read something like this: “If you don’t teach your baby to sleep on his own, he will never learn the skill of going to sleep.”
Such nonsense!!!!! Hours I worried about this until one day it hit me: going to sleep is not a SKILL that must be taught. People get tired. People sleep.
Take your sweet ones to bed with you. They will be teenagers before you know it. And then they’ll sleep for ages.
Totally agree! Babies can’t actually learn to self sooth! I hate that expression..but they will sleep alone once we have taught them to feel secure enough to do so. I just wish I had had the confidence to co sleep with my first..but back then I naively believed all that stupid sleep advice!
I absolutely love this! I went through the same thing with both my children who are now 5 and 9 they both sleep now but because I was so used to getting up with them for years my body got used to it and when they started sleeping through I couldn’t. Sounds strange but I actually miss the night time cuddles and now I spend my nights constantly getting up and checking on them in the night as they look so cute when they are sleeping it is nice to be able to just get back in bed though and be able to go back to sleep without a battle lol! We all go through itbbecause our kids are everything theres nothing more precious in the world!
Thanks Sam! I went to stay at my mums for a baby free night as I was so exhausted but could I sleep?! No! My body clock must be really messed up! I actually have more sleep when I am waking up for the baby every few hours. One day we’ll sleep again…
I’ve always put my kids to bed asleep ( worked with 5) and it was easier, they have slept through since dropping night feeds which was before 12 months. Every child is different as is every parenting method. You find what works and stick with it
Omg….. reading this sounds like a mirror image of what we are going through for the last three weeks. My 10 month old daughter just changed over night after being a perfect sleeper since 6 weeks old. It was such a shock how quickly things can change. I’ve nearly flooded the uk with my tears and I don’t know where they are coming from. Im hoping this won’t last to much longer but its nice to know it happens to others because I thought there was something I was doing wrong.
With my first baby I always felt I was doing something wrong! So I had my second and did everything differently but she STILL didn’t sleep…so maybe they are the way they are no matter what we do! This too shall pass my friend!! Until then..some useless advice here.. https://stolensleep.com/2014/07/22/how-to-survive-when-your-baby-will-not-go-the-fk-to-sleep/
Ha Ha this article is me 🙂 LMAO.
i just loved this!!! My oldest is 2.5 and he still doesn’t sleep through, it’s been absolute torture but he’s so happy and kind! My second is now 6 months, she was sleeping better but clearly he’s been in her ear telling her tales of how to get moved permanently into our room…. I have assured myself that in another 3 or so years I might get a 5 hour stretch!
Thank you for reminding me that It’s both totally normal and that I don’t have to stress so much!
Great job mama!
Thank you! Before my eldest started sleeping through she made sure she taught her baby sister all she knew about keeping me awake! They really do hate us sleeping! Oh five hours! Now that is the dream. Hope you get sleep soon my friend.
[…] It does seem that we’ve collectively somehow forgotten how babies are supposed to sleep. The ISIS website -bet they wish they had a different name at the moment- is great for clearly explained infant sleep theory but look at any forum for new parents and it is full of people asking what they are doing wrong. Parents now don’t understand why their baby keeps waking up (or in some cases why their baby has just started waking up more often) and what they get in return are suggestions for various forms of sleep training, or various reasons why it’s happening -these range from the reasonable (cold, hunger, wind) to the rather more debatable (teething, growth spurt, ‘wonder weeks’)- or recommendations for professional sleep consultants, ‘experts’ who will purportedly get your child to sleep through the night (for a not indifferent sum of money). Personally, I recommend this brilliant post for some no nonsense advice https://stolensleep.com/2014/09/27/how-to-get-your-baby-to-sleep-through-the-night-in-just-two-years/ […]
[…] Establish a good bedtime routine. This is key to everything. Babies like to know exactly what to expect. So that they can do the exact opposite. https://stolensleep.com/2014/09/27/how-to-get-your-baby-to-sleep-through-the-night-in-just-two-years/ […]
[…] had fantasised about it for a long time. The baby finally sleeping for an entire night and writing a celebratory article about how goods it feels not to be […]
Ha this literally had me laughing out loud. Cleverly written. Thanks for sharing
Woken by a whimper
Well before the sun
A little sleep I s’pose
Is preferable to none!
The midnight monster rose last night
and tangled with my dreams
I wrestled with her wilful might
and wrangled with her screams
5 December 1988
Love the poetry!
. something for the older sleeper: http://sonneteer155.com/2014/11/20/woken-mind/
It literally brought tears to my eyes reading these posts (and knowing that others understand) the struggles of a sleepless toddler!! Sometimes in the dark small hours of the morning I think of the huge army of other Mums (and Dad’s) … all out there at that very moment, experiencing the same battle… That feeling of unity brings me comfort! We are not alone!!
I totally agree. Through writing this I am feel so much better about things as I have discovered there are so many parents in the same boat. And that is a very comforting thought at 4am!! Thanks for sharing!
This is very accurate… it is extremely hard to follow through when you are exhausted and your child is screaming. And you want to be the nicest mother and father you can be. We went through this our first, the next 3 we forced ourselves through a controlled crying/self-soothing schedule. It is absolute torture for parents the first few days, until it suddenly works. They get it – you are nearby if they need you but they do not need you to fall asleep.
Remember, there is at least as much (or more) crying involved for baby and parents with the ‘pick them up after 3 minutes of crying’ approach. This is just spreading the crying out into many smaller bursts over a 10 hour period, rather than getting it all out of the way at bedtime.
Do not tell yourself (or others) that you are being a better parent because you are suffering through sleepless nights. This is actually your choice to a certain extent. The other choice is to teach yourself and your baby they can indeed fall asleep without being in your arms. Getting your child to sleep all night can help you be a much more patient, relaxed and energized parent during the daytime. Neither choice is bad, wrong or unloving, that is completely insulting and ignorant to suggest.
Hmm…not sure anyone is being insulting and suggesting sleep training is a bad choice. It is just not the right choice for some families..
Nobody is really being insulting here (it is a lighthearted article), I am emphasizing that -either- choice is valid. But you said earlier “Babies can’t actually learn to self sooth! …back then I naively believed all that stupid sleep advice!”. I think that is a bit harsh and you will find many people disagree.
Abolutely loving this post, had me in stitches and brought back many memories. This post I wrote when I did research on sleep training methods may interest you http://mydaughterwontsleep.com/2014/07/30/does-sleep-training-even-exist-in-some-cultures/ Thanks for the giggle today.
Thanks Caroline. I will have a read!
I love this article which reminds parents they are not alone. May I offer a suggestion: babies need to learn to self soothe and go to sleep on their own. No hand holding, bouncing, nursing, or sitting by their bedside. You become a prop. Do you fall asleep instantly or do you fluff your pillow, roll and turn, change positions before you pass out? We tried these methods above and my husband and I were going insane. Please parents, look into Babywise. Let them fuss (as if they are tossing their pillow, rolling and turing…) for ten minutes, check them and if nothing’s wrong, rock them a few minutes and put them down! My three year old slept on her own, no crying to sleep after 9 weeks! It took patience and it was hard to hear her cry, but it paid dividends! No, she didn’t cry every time, some times were worse than others, but she learned this is sleep time and fell asleep happily and woke happy. She slept then 10pm-7am. Now she sleeps 12hrs each night (waking earlier than me and looking at books in bed till I get her) at three yrs. She is a happy girl and healthy. No psychological issues from crying as a baby. Only issues are that she’s Italian and her voice has no volume, just loud or off.
My 5 month baby sleeps 10-8am. We taught her the same things. Let them fuss, swaddle them, and we gave them each a small stuffed animal that was only for sleeping. It smelled like what they’re used to. It was something comforting other than momma. They turned their faces towards it and sucked on their lip or tongue then went happily to sleep. And if hearing some crying is not for you, I get it. Children are a blessing from God and our sacrifice makes us saintly, however you chose to care for them!
Glad you found some thing that works for your babies! Thanks for sharing your story!