6 ways you really won’t stop a baby crying in the supermarket

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You are in the supermarket.

The man in the front of you in the queue is paying  in pennies.

The woman behind him has a FULL trolley.

The check out girl has called for a supervisor.

You have milk, nappies, a toddler and a screaming baby. Continue reading

How To Really And Truly Get Your Baby To Sleep Through The Night

The Institute of Actual Real life People With Babies (1)HAVE you almost passed out doing Pantley or cried yourself out following Ford?

Are you too damn tired to try another stupid ‘revolutionary’ sleep technique that probably won’t work any way? Then help is at hand!

The Institute of Actual Real Life People With Babies has come up with an effort-free guide especially for the extremely exhausted parent.

G.O.T.O.S.L.E.E.P is the only no-stress method that actually guarantees to get ANY baby to sleep through the night…eventually. Continue reading

How to survive a holiday when your baby won’t sleep

yuck pebbles“You need a holiday,” people would tell me.

I was the mother of two children under two who did not sleep. I was tired, stressed and felt like I hadn’t sat down in years. Of course I needed a holiday. But when you are so sleep-deprived that even a trip to the Big Tesco is a major operation, the mere thought of a holiday can be terrifying.

“The sea air will help the baby sleep,” they said.

“All the excitement will tire the kids out,”’ people assured me.

 

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Why I am glad my baby did not sleep

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My firstborn started school in September.

I am now a proper grown-up parent with a schoolchild. I have  to get everyone up, dressed and somewhere on time, in clean uncreased clothes, every morning. There will soon be homework, phonics, forms and parent evenings.

I have to kiss my four-year-old daughter goodbye FIVE days a week, and send her off to face new challenges and situations, without me. Continue reading

Inside the mind of a sleep-deprived parent (at 4am)

4AMHaving a baby that will NOT go to sleep or stay asleep is hard work.

They don’t sleep, so you don’t sleep and, before you know it, your house is a mess, you look a mess and your mind is fast becoming a mess.

Especially at bloody 4am.  When you have been up all night. Continue reading

7 ways to survive two under two (on barely any sleep)

2under2IT is no secret that as a new mum of ONE baby I struggled.  My baby did not like to sleep so I was tired. Very tired.

Then, just when I thought (in a Greg Wallace voice) parenting just doesn’t get tougher than this…baby two arrived eighteen months later….and I realised that actually yes, it really does..

If you are considering a second child then here are a few tips!!
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How to survive the morning after the night before

HANGOVERMy eyes are bloodshot and my head is throbbing. There is sick in my hair and my throat is sore from singing half the night.

I swear that this is the last time.

I promise myself I will do something about it.

But myself has heard it all before.

And she knows I am full of shit.

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HOW TO SURVIVE ‘TWO UNDER TWO’ WHEN YOU ARE A PRINCESS

princessSo Kate Middleton is expecting her her second child this week!

This is great news for the media because I expect there are only so many times they can run ‘stories’ like ‘ROYAL BABY TO HAVE A NAME’ or  ‘PRINCESS WILL GIVE BIRTH TO A BABY, SAY BOOKIES’.

And of course great news for Kate, who will have a lovely newborn baby to look after.

As well as a young toddler.

I wonder whether she has thought this through. Continue reading