A STEP BY STEP GUIDE TO BABIES BY BABIES

Lesson 1: A baby’s guide to life outside the womb

The biggest mistake new parents make is to forget where babies come from.

I am serious! Instead of taking any time to consider the fact that they have just dragged us from the comfort of our peaceful womb palace into HELL, they are too busy discussing stuff like, ‘who does she look like?’ and ‘I think she has your nose’ and ‘oh look at her tiny fingers’ to think about what we might NEED during this time.

Is it any wonder we scream our heads off when the Baby Getter Outerer takes us away from our Womb Container?

Is it really a surprise that we cry when you put us down in a cot, all by our little old selves??

‘Where the hell is my womb?’  We are thinking. “Where is the human I have been attached to for all of my life? The one who grew me. We are part of each other. I am her, and she is me and I am not sure it is possible to survive without her. Plus she got the milk and that shit is good.”

What I am trying to say is that being born is no picnic. So when you are done cooing and wooing about this amazing thing you just made with your body, please spare a thought for your newborn.

This tiny human has gone from living an extremely sheltered life to being exposed to a zillion strange sounds and smells and giant humans getting right up in their faces and squeezing their adorably chubby cheeks.

Speaking as someone who left the womb not too long ago I can tell you that in those early days we feel vulnerable, confused and as quite frankly, scared as shit. And it’s not like we can call the Samaritans or Google ‘are baby-eating bears a thing?’ We got to work it all out for ourselves.

Put me down and you will regret it

The only thing we know is mummy (FYI, mummies, you look a lot better from the outside).  We recognise her smell, her voice, her spirit and her heart beat.

She is the only familiar thing in Outside of Womb and the only person who can make a newborn feel truly safe.

Who is the daddy?

I imagine right now some of you idiots are thinking  ‘ooh but what about daddies? Surely, they make their offspring feel safe too? Who wrote this sexist bumshit?’

So let me explain. I love daddy. He rocks. But back in those early days, not so much. You have got to understand. I had no idea who the hell he was.

He was just a stranger who kept taking me off mummy then staring at me with his big hairy face.

This is all newborns know about daddies:

a) They get stuff for mummy.

b) They take us from mummy.

c) We haven’t lived inside them.

So the reason we often cry when daddies pick us up is because at this point they are just  Wombless Baby Stealers! Look, it is nothing personal – it is just that newborns rarely trust  someone they haven’t seen the inside of.

Conclusion

What new babies actually need:

1) Peace and quiet to adapt to Outside World

2) To get to know Mummy from the outside

3) Time to work out whether to trust the Hairy Wombless Baby Stealer

4) Milk

What new parents actually need:

1) Sleep

So don’t be an idiot. You have just made a baby with your body. You are learning how to be a family.  You and your baby are tired and overwhelmed.

GO HOME.

Don’t try and do all the stuff. Forget the laundry. Forget about tidying up. Forget about getting dressed if necessary. None of this stuff matters now. All the matters is your baby because she is the boss of you now. Forever. Get used to it.

Forget the  arseholes friends and family who want to come and visit you and your bundle of joy before you have even had a chance to push the placenta out.

Be still, be quiet, be together and take care of yourself and your baby. Everything else can wait.

Good luck! Join me next week for Lesson 3:   Embracing Parenthood: kissing goodbye to nights out, sex, sleep, clean hair and other things that distract you from your new baby

You can also read part 1 of this series right here…

THE BOOK

Check out my new book that contains no baby sleep advice whatsoever… Just lots of laughs and tips on surviving the sleepless nights from someone who has been there! It covers everything from from Postnatal Illness and how to avoid killing your partner when you have babies and how to really and truly get your baby to sleep (eventually).

Sleep Is For The Weak: How To Survive When Your Baby Won’t Go The FzZk To Sleep at book shops or on Amazon now!!

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The post A Baby’s Guide To Leaving The Womb appeared first on SLEEP IS FOR THE WEAK.

“We are going to be actual grown up parents,” you exclaim, waving around a urine-covered stick, “to a cute little baby!”

You get a bottle of sparkling wine to celebrate, after sensibly consulting Google as to whether you can have one drink while pregnant. You soon discover that, yes you can and no you can’t and that it is definitely ok once a week and never?!  So, in the end you decide to go with the most reputable source you can find (or the one which allows you to actually have a glass of wine).

From this day forward you talk nothing but baby names, stuff you need to do before the baby arrives and pregnancy symptoms. You decorate the nursery and Google everything from Do I need an electric breast pump? and How do I change a nappy?  to What the hell is a Gro-bag?

Sunday lunches at the pub are replaced with strolling around Mothercare hand-in-hand, smiling at babies and discussing the pros and cons of three-wheeler prams.

You talk of parenthood and how amazing it will be.  You smile, you laugh, you lie in each other’s arms and watch One Born Every Minute… It is a special time.

Make the most of it.

Because as soon as the baby arrives – the honeymoon is over.

NINE MONTHS LATER

“Where is the bloody Infacol?”  I shout into the darkness at 2am. “I thought we agreed to keep one up here and one downstairs.”

No one answers me.

“James!”  I scream at my husband while trying to keep a crying baby from latching on to my nipple before I had administered the life-changing baby colic drops. “INFACOL!”

Five minutes later he comes in with the Infacol.

“Well, it is too late now. She is already feeding.”

“Oh for god’s sake,” he says, handing me the Infacol. “I thought we were leaving one up here and one downstairs”.

“Piss off.”*

And that was just week two.  The baby wouldn’t sleep so we couldn’t sleep. She cried for three hours every evening and we had no idea why. We were sleep-deprived, stressed and quite frankly, really getting on each other’s nerves. The love bubble we were cuddled up in pre-baby had burst. Big time.

But it did get better. Eventually.

It must have done because…

ANOTHER NINE MONTHS LATER

“We are going to be parents,” I exclaim in terror, “to another cute little baby.”

“Shall I go and get some sparkling wine to celebrate?”

“Nah. I am too tired.”

It has now been two and a half years since the birth of our first child and we are still together, still tired and we still haven’t killed each other (yet).

I am no relationship expert, but after years of sleep-deprivation and two wakeful babies, I can tell you that the only way not to murder your partner when you have a baby who does not sleep, is to live by certain rules.

 Rule 1: ALWAYS go to bed on an argument.

If the baby is asleep then do NOT waste time doing anything other than sleeping. Chances are the argument was not that important anyway. Grievances like, You Flushed The Chain And Now The Baby Is Awake or I Wasn’t In A Mood Until You Said I Was In a Mood And Now I Am In A Mood and Who’s Used The Last Of The Calpol And Put It Back In The Cupboard, are just not worth the effort

Rule 2: NEVER say what you really mean.

In order to maintain marital harmony, there are some things that are better off left unsaid. These include any reference to being tired (your partner will assume you are saying you are the MOST tired) and NEVER under any circumstances admit you are doing something in order to have a break from the baby. Instead, claim you are ‘just popping out for milk’, ‘taking the bins out’ or, my husband’s personal favourite, ‘I may be some time, I am constipated’.

You both know that the other one is really planning on sneaking into the toilet with their smart phone to skive off babies for half an hour – but by not acknowledging this fact you save yourselves the effort of having to argue about it.

Rule 3: DON’T bother making an effort.

Since we have had babies my husband and I spend a lot of time in our pyjamas, yawning at each other. Sweet nothings have become hushed whispers of ‘I am so tired’ and romance is now changing a nappy when it is not your turn. But you know what? That is ok.

Forget flowers and going out on date nights, when you have babies, simply getting each other stuff is the height of romance. Nothing says ‘I love you’ more than fetching a forgotten toilet roll for your other half. There is little more alluring then being passed the remote control when you are too tired to move, and the words ‘would you like a cup of tea’ from your partner’s lips are guaranteed to lead to the suggestion of an ‘early night’ (wink, wink). And although nine times out of ten, you will get into bed and realise you both want an actual early night – it is the thought that counts.

Rule 4: Give them what they want in the bedroom.

When you have young babies it can be a challenge to find the time or energy to have any ‘romantic action’ with your partner. But try not to worry about it. Sleep is the new sex! Sex will still be there tomorrow, next month or even next year. You enjoyed it before you had babies so you will enjoy it again. So for now give your partner what they really want in the bedroom… to get hot and sleepy between the sheets…

When you have kids it is inevitable that some nights you will opt for sleep rather than romance and other nights you will opt for sex but get teething. You may choose to sit and drink wine in your pyjamas rather than go out on a hot date or watch TV to avoid the effort of a conversation.

But it won’t be forever. So try not to worry.

You are raising little humans together. Falling in love with them more each day and watching in amazement as they smile, laugh or sit up for the first time.

It is exhausting, frustrating and challenging but it is also the most amazing thing you have ever done together.

So empathise, sympathise, make each other coffee, laugh, be kind to each other and you might just survive!

Do you have any unspoken relationship rules that help you to avoid killing your partner? I would love to hear them!

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The post How Not To Kill Your Partner When You Have Babies appeared first on SLEEP IS FOR THE WEAK.