HAVE you almost passed out doing Pantley or cried yourself out following Ford?
Are you too damn tired to try another stupid ‘revolutionary’ sleep technique that probably won’t work any way? Then help is at hand!
The Institute of Actual Real Life People With Babies has come up with an effort-free guide especially for the extremely exhausted parent.
G.O.T.O.S.L.E.E.P a pioneering method featured in my new book Sleep is for the Weak– is the only no-stress method that actually guarantees to get ANY baby to sleep through the night…eventually. Continue reading →
I was the mother of two children under two who did not sleep. I was tired, stressed and felt like I hadn’t sat down in years. Of course I needed a holiday. But when you are so sleep-deprived that even a trip to the Big Tesco is a major operation, the mere thought of a holiday can be terrifying.
“The sea air will help the baby sleep,” they said.
“All the excitement will tire the kids out,”’ people assured me.
I am not proud of myself, but sometimes lying (and coffee, so much coffee) is the only way to survive The truth would simply hurt too much (or make you look like a miserable twat) so telling the odd fib is a necessary evil.
If you are a tired parent, then here are a few untruths that you might recognise (or maybe I am just a miserable twat): Continue reading →
I am now a proper grown-up parent with a schoolchild. I have to get everyone up, dressed and somewhere on time, in clean uncreased clothes, every morning. There will soon be homework, phonics, forms and parents evenings.
I have to kiss my four-year-old daughter goodbye FIVE days a week, and send her off to face new challenges and situations, without me. Continue reading →
Motherhood can be lonely, but if you are sleep-deprived, it is a bit of a Catch 22.
You crave adult company but at the same time you are too bloody tired for adult company.
Some days talking to anyone over the age of two seems like way too much effort. But on other days you would quite like a moan, a laugh and a chat (ideally over wine) with someone who gets it.
But it is hard to make friends when you are always exhausted. It becomes difficult just to hold a conversation. It impairs your mental filter, tramples over your inhibitions and makes it hard to concentrate on what is being said.
So unfortunately, sleep-deprived parents are not much of a catch but fear not – there is hope for the perfect ‘Mumance’. Continue reading →
I used to have a clean house, clean clothes and clean hair.
Then I had children.
My standards gradually slipped lower and lower and before I knew it, I was eating the remains of a rice cake off the floor to avoid having to walk to the bin.
Not because I am lazy; but because some days, I am just too tired to care.
Here are a few dirty secrets that only a really tired parent will understand:
When I am vacuuming, I will stamp on an old biscuit to make it fit up the hoover pipe instead of picking it up.
I have thrown away dirty saucepans because I can’t face scrubbing them.
I have told my kids the DVD player is broken so I don’t have to put one on for them. If it is not on the Sky planner, they are not watching it.
I have put the same wash on six times because I am too tired to hang it out.
I have thrown out baby clothes after a nappy leak rather than clean them.
I have watched the ‘no signal’ sign bobbing about the screen for hours because I can’t reach the remote control.
I have also watched the blue screen on the CBeebies channel at night for the same reason.
I have taken alternate bites of bread and cheese because making a sandwich is too much effort.
I wear the same pair of socks for at least three days to avoid more laundry.
I like to watch something dirty on the TV
If a child wees on the settee I sometimes just throw a towel over it until it dries.
I never wash my bras.
I will tell my partner I am popping out for milk then sit in the car park outside the supermarket for half an hour enjoying the peace.
I only wash the bed sheets when someone pukes or pisses on them.
I will spend half an hour rearranging the dishwasher so I don’t have to wash up the one cup that won’t fit.
I never answer the phone because conversations are way too much effort.
I use my bag for life to keep carrier bags in which kid of defeats the object.
My TV is permanently covered in dirty handprints.
I will use any suitable substitute I can find when I run out of toilet roll to avoid a trip to the shop. Kitchen roll, baby wipes, the cardboard inner tube, sanitary towels or cotton wool.
I only properly tidy up the house when I have people coming to visit.
Do you have any dirty secrets to share? Tell us in the comments below or on Facebook or Twitter.
THE BOOK
Check out my new book that contains no baby sleep advice whatsoever…
Just lots of laughs and tips on surviving the sleepless nights . It covers everything from from Postnatal Illness and how to avoid killing your partner when you have babies and how to really and truly get your baby to sleep (eventually).
For many of us, sleep-deprivation is an unavoidable aspect of parenthood.
When your bundle of joy spits in the eye of sleep – all you can do is stock up on coffee and hope that everyone is right; ‘this too shall (bloody well) pass’.
Living on barely any sleep is tough. It can make you forgetful, clumsy, prone to talking rubbish and a lot of the time you will wake up feeling like crap.
HAVE you almost passed out doing Pantley or cried yourself out following Ford?
