Thanks to the Internet we now have parenting tips available to us 24 hours a day!
While we might occasionally stumble across some helpful advice, most of it is either totally useless or appears to assume that parents are idiots.
One area in which there is an abundance of guidance from ‘experts’ is how to get a baby to sleep.
I tell myself as I stare at the knife. ‘I can’t do this any more,’
I wipe the sweat from my brow and fight back the tears. There isn’t much time. I need to do this now. I hear them approaching me from behind.
‘Please’ I beg. ‘ Please leave me alone. Don’t do this.’
Someone grabs at my legs while someone else attacks me with a small blunt object.
I pick up the knife.
Welcome to Baby-Trapped: Some things to entertain, inspire and pass the time when your baby won’t go the f*ck to sleep…
So half term is OVER which mean I get to moan about the school run again. Roll on tomorrow’s Stressfest that is getting a 4-year-old and toddler up, dressed and out of the door before 9am. I am planning on trying a few new excuses for being late this term:
Reason for lateness: I gave my daughter the pink bowl
Reason for lateness: Toddlers are arseholes
Reason for lateness: I was messing around on Facebook and didn’t realise the time Continue reading
Babies wake up at night. This is a fact. But as they can only communicate with cries, giggles or gurgles, the tricky bit is working out why.
As we stagger towards our screaming bundles of joy for the
fuckteenth time, we desperately try to figure out what is wrong.
Are they teething, hungry, do they have wind or are they just messing with us?
IT is Christmas Eve. All I want to do is to go to bed and sleep all day but I have two small children and Things To Do. I hate Things To Do.
‘I’ll get up, get dressed and get organised, I thought as i forced myself out of bed this morning. ‘I’ll write a list! A THINGS TO DO LIST. And I shall do all the things.’
Since having a baby do you occasionally feel tearful and a bit sweary? Are you sometimes a bit of a dick for no apparent reason?
Then you are probably experiencing a Mental Leap in your parental development.
Thanks to new research by
we are now able to predict exactly when sleep-deprived parents can expect to go through these ‘fussy’ phases. The Institute of Real Life People With Actual Babies, Continue reading
Have a major procedure in hospital that results in physical pain and discomfort.
Do not sleep or eat for at least three days.
Ensure you are extremely hormonal.
Now you are ready to take on the biggest challenge of your life. Continue reading
This morning I was the victim of an assault.
totally unprovoked attack my two-year-old whacked me in the face with her sippy cup.
And then she laughed.
So I called her an arsehole and necked a bottle of gin.
I ABSOLUTELY DID NOT DO THAT. Continue reading
A glossary of parenting terms you won’t find in the baby books…
Arm Roll & Release: The nerve-wracking manoeuvre used by parents in order to remove their arm from under a sleeping baby.
Booby-trapped: Term used to describe being stuck breastfeeding when you have a pressing engagement (or really need a wee). Continue reading
Welcome to a new feature called News Leaks – in which I report on the latest parenting news from across the UK (make stuff up for my own amusement).
PREGNANT employees to give birth at work under a new Government scheme.
Female staff will be now be expected to have their babies in the office with the help of specially appointed first aiders.