Baby-Trapped: Edition #4

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Welcome to Baby-Trapped: Some things to entertain, inspire and pass the time when your baby won’t go the f*ck to sleep…

So half term is OVER which mean I get to moan about the school run again. Roll on tomorrow’s Stressfest that is getting a 4-year-old and toddler up, dressed and out of the door before 9am. I am planning on trying a few new excuses for being late this term:

Reason for lateness: I gave my daughter the pink bowl

Reason for lateness: Toddlers are arseholes

Reason for lateness: I was messing around on Facebook and didn’t realise the time Continue reading

The real true reasons why babies wake up at night

Cloud 2Babies wake up at night. This is a fact.  But as they can only communicate with cries, giggles or gurgles, the tricky bit is working out why.

As we stagger towards our screaming bundles of joy for the fuckteenth time, we desperately try to figure out what is wrong.

Are they teething, hungry, do they have wind or are they just messing with us?

Continue reading

Baby-Trapped: Edition #2

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Welcome to Baby-Trapped: Some things to entertain, inspire and pass the time when your baby won’t go the f*ck to sleep…

So, on Friday I had to walk through Waitrose with a handful of toddler sick. That pretty much sums up my week. Thankfully, I had already drank my free coffee because I am not sure what their policy is on free hot drinks for customers who leave a trail of vomit across the shop floor.  I AM LIVING THE DREAM, PEOPLE.

Anyway, here is some stuff for those of you who are under a baby, feeding a baby or just too DAMN TIRED to do anything other than dick about on your phone. Continue reading

How to ‘sell’ breastfeeding without being a tit

IMG_20131005_143714 (1)Breast milk is really good stuff. We know this.

We have seen the campaigns, read the research and studied the NHS literature we have shoved down our throats from the moment we fall pregnant.

When I was expecting my first child, I was told that breastfeeding is ‘a convenient way to provide you and your baby with a multitude of health benefits.’

To be honest, they had me at ‘convenient’.. Continue reading

How To Really And Truly Get Your Baby To Sleep Through The Night

HAVE you almost passed out doing Pantley or cried yourself out following Ford?

Are you too damn tired to try another stupid ‘revolutionary’ sleep technique that probably won’t work any way? Then help is at hand!

The Institute of Actual Real Life People With Babies has come up with an effort-free guide especially for the extremely exhausted parent.

G.O.T.O.S.L.E.E.P a pioneering method featured in my new book Sleep is for the Weak– is the only no-stress method that actually guarantees to get ANY baby to sleep through the night…eventually. Continue reading

How to get a toddler to go the f**k to sleep

Go the f**k to sleepDoes your toddler love bedtime?  Mine does.  As long as I am not trying to actually get her to sleep.

Here are her top five Sleep Avoidance tactics:

-She will always want the one cuddly toy that I can’t find.

-She takes take twice as long to go to sleep whenever I have plans (normally to drink wine in my pjyamas). Continue reading

The A to Z of Sleep-Deprived Parenting

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A glossary of parenting terms you won’t find in the baby books…

Arm Roll & Release: The nerve-wracking manoeuvre used by parents in order to remove their arm from under a sleeping baby.

Booby-trapped: Term used to describe being stuck breastfeeding when you have a pressing engagement (or really need a wee). Continue reading

Survivor Story: How Changing My Baby’s Diet Changed My Life…

The latest Sleep Thief Survivor Story is by nutritionist and herbalist Caroline Mentzer.  On discovering that her daughter’s very poor sleep was due to food allergies, the 37-year-old turned her life around and went from rock bottom to a radio gig!  

Caroline & Melissa selfieCaroline’s story:

Early motherhood was a strange phenomenon for me. I’d been used to filling my time working two jobs whilst studying for a degree. I was blissfully and ignorantly looking forward to Melissa’s arrival so that I could slow down and spend some quality time as a family. After all, how difficult could it be? I was used to working hard, and I was aware that the first few months were tough when your baby needed feeding through the night. But nothing prepared me for the total upheaval I would experience when parenting a child that just won’t sleep. Continue reading