According to the latest set of pointless infant sleep guidelines by another Academy Of Expert Twats Who Have No Idea How Human Babies Actually Work,
‘Sleeping fewer than the recommended hours is associated with attention, behaviour and learning problems. Insufficient sleep also increases the risk of accidents, injuries, hypertension, obesity, diabetes and depression.’
Postnatal depression is manipulative. It floods your mind with self-doubt and negative thoughts. It convinces you that you’re hopeless, a bad parent and a weak person. And the more you believe it, the stronger it gets.
Depression is determined. It wants to stay. It will trick you into believing you cannot do the things that will make you feel better such as talking, finding support, leaving the house, talking medication or going to therapy.
MY heart is beating fast and I feel sick. I force myself to eat some chocolate because someone said it might help. I take a deep breath and open the door…
The hall is silent except for the occasional cough and the shuffling of chairs. The stench of nervous sweat lingers in the air.
“Turn over your papers, you may begin.”
I look at the clock and I am filled with panic. I feel like I might pass out. I pick up my pen but my palms are so sweaty it is hard to grip it properly. I want to cry. I want to scream, and I really need the toilet.
This was how I felt before every GCSE exam I took. I was 16. This was also how I felt before taking my driving test, aged 22, and my journalism training (NCTJ) exams when I was 24.
Being tested makes us feel anxious. Even the most academic of adults find being in an exam situation stressful, so it’s not hard to imagine how a young child about to sit their Year 2 SATs must feel….
Read more about my thoughts on the impact of testing young children over at The New Statesman!
I also wrote about all the weird and wonderful words for Vagina at Metro UK.…YES. Discussing SATs and vaginas in the same week. I LOVE my job.
Does your baby wake up the moment you even think about transferring her to a cot? Or does she totally lose her shit if you put her down drowsy but awake?
Then this is the method for you.
Following new research that 99% of babies believe that self-soothing is bollocks, The Institute of Real Life People with Actual Babies has launched a comprehensive guide to putting a sleeping infant into a cot.
A guest post by naturopathic nutritionist Lisa Sheehy.
SO you survived morning sickness, dealt with not drinking even when the world drove you to it, and managed to somehow bend, roll over and sleep with an enormous bump.
Labour was everything they warned you about and more but finally your baby was born. Ten tiny fingers, ten tiny toes, overwhelming love and that deliciously scented head.
You sunk back into a plump nest of V shaped pillows and organic linen as the baby slept peacefully. A mother at last, creator of life, accomplished, calm and fulfilled. Right?
Well, maybe not so much – reality can bite. Sore nipples, sleep deprivation, sore lady bits and a desperate need for some peace can be tough. Because babies cry. A lot. Around two hours a day in the first six weeks according to a recent study.
But what if you have fed, burped and nappy changed your baby and they still cry. What then?
Welcome to Baby-Trapped: Some things to entertain, inspire and pass the time when your baby won’t go the f*ck to sleep…
So half term is OVER which mean I get to moan about the school run again. Roll on tomorrow’s Stressfest that is getting a 4-year-old and toddler up, dressed and out of the door before 9am. I am planning on trying a few new excuses for being late this term:
Reason for lateness: I gave my daughter the pink bowl
Reason for lateness: Toddlers are arseholes
Reason for lateness: I was messing around on Facebook and didn’t realise the time Continue reading →