SLEEP IS FOR THE WEAK http://stolensleep.com An antidote to baby sleep advice..... Thu, 10 Oct 2019 09:31:38 +0000 en-GB hourly 1 http://stolensleep.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/03/cropped-front-cover-1-1-32x32.jpg SLEEP IS FOR THE WEAK http://stolensleep.com 32 32 85232139 Real Life Parenthood http://stolensleep.com/2019/10/09/real-life-parenting/ http://stolensleep.com/2019/10/09/real-life-parenting/#respond Wed, 09 Oct 2019 12:24:00 +0000 http://stolensleep.com/?p=3452 ‘How are you finding motherhood?’ People would ask shortly after the arrival of my first baby. ‘So great,’ I lied, fighting back the tears. ‘Best thing ever.’ The truth is, I felt like crap. But I had seen the smiling new mums on Facebook and Instagram holding tiny babies in their arms. I had read […]

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‘How are you finding motherhood?’ People would ask shortly after the arrival of my first baby.

‘So great,’ I lied, fighting back the tears. ‘Best thing ever.’

The truth is, I felt like crap.

But I had seen the smiling new mums on Facebook and Instagram holding tiny babies in their arms. I had read the glossy parenting magazines. I knew how I should be feeling. I should be glowing with happiness at the arrival of a beautiful, healthy child. So why wasn’t I?

When we had visitors, I reluctantly showered and dressed, put on my make up and pretended to be loving this mothering stuff.

I gave everyone what they expected.  I shouldn’t have done.

By not being honest I was only helping to reinforce the lie that new baby equals instant joy. The very lie that had made me feel terrible in the first place.

I should have told the truth. “I have STITCHES. I am bleeding. I am sore. I am uncomfortable. I am exhausted. My baby will not let me put her down. EVER. She sometimes cries and I have no idea why. I have sick in my hair. I need a shower. I need some sleep. How can it even be legal to look after a tiny baby on NO bloody sleep?

“I am not cut out for this. I am terrified. Quite frankly, motherhood is a bit of a dick.”

Life with a newborn was not the joyful experience I had expected. I was anxious, tired and even when my baby did actually sleep, I couldn’t sleep. I cried a lot.  I was petrified by the idea that if this didn’t work out, there was no going back to my old life. This was IT. Forever. And so far this– was so hard.

Sleep Is For The Weak : The Book

I was ashamed. I felt guilty. I had a healthy, happy baby. Why wasn’t I skipping around the house like Mary Poppins?

I used to be organised and confident. Now I was drowning in mess and chaos and constantly doubting myself. I felt as thought I was swimming against the tide trying desperately to keep my head above water.

I hated myself for wasting this precious time with my young baby. Time I would not get back. Days passed, then weeks, then months. I wished that I could press pause. I needed time to breathe and to hear my own thoughts. I needed space to get my head around this parenting gig. I was a mother now, I was meant to be cherishing the hell out of all of this. Where was all the fucking joy?

The thing is, I may have been a new mother but I was also a human.

Take the baby out of the equation.

You are a normal human person who has come out of hospital after a major procedure. You are exhausted and in pain.

You are dealing with a MAJOR change in your life. You have started a new job. A job you have NO experience in. A demanding job which requires you to work 24 hour shifts with NO breaks. Finally, despite the fact you are mainly covered in vomit and deprived of sleep – you must be HAPPY BECAUSE YOU ARE BLESSED.

You are also experiencing emotions you have never experienced before. You are tired, raw and overwhelmed by love, fear, guilt and loss.

Heavy stuff! But hey, SMILE for the camera?

Bringing a child into the world for the first time is massive. Nothing will ever be the same again. It is physically and emotionally draining. Feeling happy, sad, scared or anxious are all perfectly acceptable human reactions to such a huge event. We are all different. There is no normal way to feel.

If you feel a bit crap, that is ok.

If you think ‘what the hell have I done?’ that is ok.

If you cannot stop smiling with joy that is ok.

If you have postnatal depression , one in ten women do (I had it ) It’s not unusual and it’s not your fault.

So be yourself. Be human.

Home-Start #RealLifeParenting Campaign

Home-Start, a charity that helps families in need, released a study that reveals 6 in 10 parents feel pressure from social media to be the ‘perfect parent’. Of those polled, 51% said that fears of being seen as a bad parent would stop them asking for help.  This is why sharing our Real Life Parenting experiences is vital for the mental health and wellbeing of new and young parents who set unrealistic expectation for themselves based on images they see on social media. 

It has been eight years (how did that happen!?) since I became a mum and thankfully, things did get easier.

Once I stopped worrying about how I should feel or how I should be, I found my own way. I accepted that motherhood wasn’t all rainbows and lemonade but that was OK. Once I got the support I needed from Home-Start, family and my local health services, I found the joy.

I wrote more on this in my book Sleep Is For The Weak: How To Survive When Your Baby Won’t Go The F**K To sleep.

sleep is for the weak

Available at Amazon and from actual book shops.

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Breaking news for bored or broken people http://stolensleep.com/2019/08/28/breaking-news-for-bored-or-broken-people/ http://stolensleep.com/2019/08/28/breaking-news-for-bored-or-broken-people/#respond Wed, 28 Aug 2019 11:28:33 +0000 http://stolensleep.com/?p=3311 Welcome to my brand new newsletter for anyone who is lying in the dark waiting for a small human to fall asleep, bored or just really likes reading newsletters. A bit about this newsletter…. 1) Why are you writing a newsletter instead of  sleeping or drinking a nice glass of wine? To share news in […]

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Welcome to my brand new newsletter for anyone who is lying in the dark waiting for a small human to fall asleep, bored or just really likes reading newsletters.

A bit about this newsletter….

1) Why are you writing a newsletter instead of  sleeping or drinking a nice glass of wine?

To share news in the form of a letter with you. Mostly because no one in my house gives a shit about my news. They only care about snacks and going to the fucking park. Of course, there is a big chance that you don’t give a shit either. And you’ll get so bored reading this that you click on a Google Ad just to get away from me, in which case you just made me 0.000001p which was all part of my plan, SUCKER!

2) What will be IN this newsletter?

On a good day I’ll share the important stuff I have been writing like this investigative piece about  a mysterious condition my children develop as soon as I switch off their light and say goodnight – you can check it out here ↓

Kid perfectly fit and well all day has 6,000 ailments at bedtime

And also this piece about my current bag situation…link below ↓

Woman’s handbag basically a dustbin with leather handles

I might even tell you about things i wrote that will be on the actual TV like this:

OR, on a bad day I might just email you a shopping list or a picture of my left foot.

There’ll also be some AMAZING  poetry like this….

I might also talk a bit about sleep and kids because that is probably how some of you got here. Although, my kids go to sleep now (so that’s the Sleep is for the Weak sequel down the drain) I still have a little bed crasher but let’s gloss over that. BUT I ‘m still TIRED . Mostly because I lie awake thinking about all the stuff like this

3) Is this entire newsletter just going to be about this newsletter?

of course not. In fact, it’s about to get really exciting.

4) The exciting bit

I am doing a NEW newsletter!  (sorry).

5) In other news..

A lot of people have messaged me asking whether I am writing another book. The answer is YES but it won’t be about sleep  because as I may have mentioned my bastard kids have started sleeping now. I suppose i could have another baby…but I am way too tired and busy and just really don’t want another baby.   I am currently working as a comedy writer (or writer of bollocks for money as I call it) for various places including The Daily Mash and Mash Report (NEW series starts in September by the way) in between writing a novel for early readers (because I promised my kids I would write something with NO swearing in it) and a non-fiction book full of all the random poetry, dialogue and nonsense I scribbled in my diary during the first few years of parenthood  …AND a sitcom so you see, definitely no TIME to have a baby for my art…

 

And that’s about it for now!  Thanks for reading or fucking off to read all about that amazing mattress you saw on Google ads.

PS: My FIVE STAR (go me!) rated book Sleep Is For The Weak- which is an antithesis to baby sleep advice – is available on Amazon right now..

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Handy Comebacks For Co-Sleepers http://stolensleep.com/2018/10/17/handy-comebacks-for-co-sleepers/ http://stolensleep.com/2018/10/17/handy-comebacks-for-co-sleepers/#respond Wed, 17 Oct 2018 17:38:49 +0000 http://stolensleep.com/?p=3350 You are making a rod for your own back.

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WHY is it that when you co-sleep with your child, everyone else is far more worried about it than you?

First, you get the ‘Rod For Your Own Back’ people who are absolutely TERRIFIED for your future for some reason.

Then there are the People Weirdly Anxious About Your Sex Life. Even if, In A Bed At Night was the only place you and your partner could possibly ever have sex (if you weren’t too tired from ‘HELLO’ having a baby) WHY do these people even care if I’m getting any? STOP THINKING ABOUT ME SHAGGING YOU PERVERTS.

Next, are the most annoying of all, the ones that are obsessed with  ‘self soothing’  and don’t seem to understand that BABIES ARE BABIES AND IT IS OUR JOB TO SOOTHE THEM, YOU WANKERS.

Finally, there are the ‘Scaremongerering Shitheads’, who spout a load shit at you about the hazards of co-sleeping and keep tagging you on ‘READ THIS OR YOUR BABY WILL DIE’ articles on Facebook without actually checking the facts. I can only assume that these people truly believe that you are a drunk IDIOT who sleeps with babies while smoking fags on a sofa made out of danger.

So after years of enduring a lot of co-sleeping-based ‘advice’, hysteria and ‘helpful’ observations, I have come up with a few responses guaranteed to shut these unsolicited advisors DOWN (and possibly make sure they never speak to you again because they think you’re a twisted weirdo).

Comebacks for co-sleepers

THEM: You really need to teach her to self-soothe or she’ll never get herself to sleep.      YOU: You are right! If I  do things for her that she can’t do because she is an actual baby, she might stay a baby forever.  I’m also thinking of leaving her lying on the carpet until she learns to ‘self-transport’ and keeping her in a shitty nappy until she learns to self-shit-wipe?  That way she’ll be totally self-sufficient by the time she is one-years-old! Actually forget that, I am pretty sure that self-soothing is bollocks.

THEM: Oh my god you let your baby sleep in the Marital Bed? But what about sex? How do you do the sex? Your marriage is doomed without the bed sex?
YOU: Oh it’s fine we just have sex with the baby there while shouting ‘this is how we made you, sweetie’. It’s a real turn on (too much?)

THEM: It is dangerous to share your bed with a baby – they could die!
YOU:  Yes but I like living on the edge. I suppose I could read all the safety guidelines, get rid of my bed of nails and co-sleep safely but what would be the fun in that?

THEM: If you feed your baby to sleep, you’ll always have to feed her to sleep.
YOU: Tell me about it. My poor old mum fed me to sleep when I was a baby, and now every night I’m on the phone; ‘mum can you bring me a sandwich?’ and she whizzes round and feeds me a ham roll until I drop off. Bless her.

THEM: If you cuddle or rock your baby to sleep, it’ll become their sleep crutch and you’ll have to rock or cuddle them to sleep forever.                                                                               YOU: Oh, I don’t mind the cuddling and rocking but it’s performing the nightly satanic rituals that are a pain in the arse. We did them a few times to comfort her and  now she simply won’t settle until we’ve sacrificed a badger to the devil. The old ‘Four Bs’ Routine- bath, book, badger slaughter and bed is a nightmare.

THEM: She’ll grow up to be totally dependant on you if you cuddle her all night.                 YOU: Awww do you need a little cuddle?

THEM: If she gets used to sleeping with you she’ll NEVER learn to fall asleep by herself’.
YOU: I carried my babies before they could walk. Later, I held their tiny hands to support them as they toddled unsteadily around the room. Then when they were ready to take their first steps, I was there to catch them if they fell. They weren’t scared because they knew I was there if they needed me. They can walk now and don’t need me to carry them any more.

I reckon it is the same with sleep. Babies need us to help them sleep because we make them feel safe. If they wake up scared and alone, they need to know we are there. To catch them when they fall. They need us to support them, until they can sleep alone.

If we carry them when they need us, one day they will fly. Or sleep. Preferably f**king sleep.


MY BOOK FOR TIRED PARENTS

Check out my book that contains no baby sleep advice whatsoever… Just lots of laughs and stories about surviving the sleepless nights from someone who has been there!

Sleep Is For The Weak: How To Survive When Your Baby Won’t Go The FzZk To Sleep at book shops or on Amazon now!!

Feel free to comment or join me on Facebook, Instagram or Twitter.  You can also subscribe for more useless information like this using the form below.

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An alternative guide to getting your kids to go the f**k to sleep in a heatwave http://stolensleep.com/2018/07/10/an-alternative-guide-to-getting-your-kids-to-go-the-fk-to-sleep-in-a-heatwave/ http://stolensleep.com/2018/07/10/an-alternative-guide-to-getting-your-kids-to-go-the-fk-to-sleep-in-a-heatwave/#respond Tue, 10 Jul 2018 10:05:43 +0000 http://stolensleep.com/?p=3325 WHILE many people across the UK (Ok about five) are basking in the current heatwave, there are some of us who are not enjoying this hot weather. Parents.  Mums and dads across the country are hot, bothered and stressed because their little angels just won’t go to sleep at night. As a result everyone in […]

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WHILE many people across the UK (Ok about five) are basking in the current heatwave, there are some of us who are not enjoying this hot weather.

Parents.  Mums and dads across the country are hot, bothered and stressed because their little angels just won’t go to sleep at night.

As a result everyone in the house is tired, sweaty grumpy and longing for those wonderful Beast From The East days.

But fear not my shattered sweating friends. Help is at hand.

Here is the only guide you need on how to get your kids to sleep when it’s really bloody hot



1) Read all the Internet articles about how to get your kids to sleep in a heatwave that basically tell you to use thinner sheets and open the f**king windows like WE NEVER WOULD HAVE THOUGHT OF THAT.

2) Spend three million years trying to block every single last piece of sunlight from your child’s bedroom window like a manic vampire only for them to outsmart you by turning their bedside lamp on.

3) Get your children a nice cup of cold water …and throw it in their whingeing little faces.

4) Move to Iceland. The country or the supermarket depending on your budget.

5) Put your child in a cool bath and…that’s it. Walk away.

6) Get a fan for your children’s bedroom so they can get their hair caught in it or stick a body part in it and then cry for two hours.

7) Try to wear your kids out by running around outside until you all pass out with heatstroke.   

8) Repeatedly tell them ‘go to sleep or you’ll be tired tomorrow’ even though in the history of bedtime that line has never made a child fall asleep.

9. Wonder if you are a bad parent when your kid tries to cuddle and you are all like ‘IT’S TOO HOT FOR BODY CONTACT GET THEE BEHIND ME SATAN”

10) Open the window. Shout, ‘I’m too hot for this shit’, jump out and run away until Autumn.

READ MORE ABOUT: Barbecues in my hard hitting article for Daily Mash MAN COOKS MEAT AT BBQ BUT DOES SOD ALL ELSE.

OR BEDTIMES ON HOLIDAY: In my Holiday Bedtime Diaries (basically don’t even bother)


THE BOOK

Check out my book that contains no baby sleep advice whatsoever… Just lots of laughs and stories about surviving the sleepless nights from someone who has been there!

Sleep Is For The Weak: How To Survive When Your Baby Won’t Go The FzZk To Sleep at book shops or on Amazon now!!

Feel free to comment or join me on Facebook, Instagram or Twitter.  You can also subscribe for more useless information like this using the form below.

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It’s all a load of bollocks http://stolensleep.com/2018/02/15/my-baby-wont-sleep/ http://stolensleep.com/2018/02/15/my-baby-wont-sleep/#respond Thu, 15 Feb 2018 16:24:04 +0000 http://stolensleep.com/?p=3188 You know all that stuff THEY warn you about when you have a baby? PUT them down drowsy but awake or they’ll ALWAYS sleep on you. Don’t feed them to sleep or they’ll turn into a gremlin. Teach them to self-settle or they’ll NEVER learn to fall asleep by themselves. Babies need 16 hours of […]

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You know all that stuff THEY warn you about when you have a baby?

PUT them down drowsy but awake or they’ll ALWAYS sleep on you.

Don’t feed them to sleep or they’ll turn into a gremlin.

Teach them to self-settle or they’ll NEVER learn to fall asleep by themselves.

Babies need 16 hours of sleep a day or bad, bad things will happen…

Don’t let them sleep on you or the world will end. That kind of thing.

Well, it’s all bollocks.

And all those warning about not letting a baby sleep in your bed or they’ll have to sleep with you for the rest of their life. Along with the stuff about how creating a sleep crutch for your baby will  condemn them to HELL?

All total bollocks.

‘THEY’ lied to me and they are lying to you too.

My kids are five and six-years-old now and I don’t ever feed them to sleep, they can self settle and as far as I can tell they are not gremlins.

They are happy and healthy DESPITE never sleeping fuckteen hours a night when they were babies.

What’s more, now this may blow your mind, but I fed my youngest to sleep until she was two and a half and these days she walks and talks and goes to school like a normal kid!

Then there’s my six-year-old who once upon a time would ONLY sleep on me? Well, last night she asked me to stop singing a lullaby (I was nailing it by the way) because she wanted to read.

And it is not just my children.  I know hundreds of people who’s offspring sleep perfectly fine despite never, ever going down drowsy but awake when they were infants.

I wish someone had told me that ‘they’ were full of bollocks when I had babies. I wasted so much time and money desperately trying to get my babies to sleep like the Bollockmongers told me they should sleep.

I would have still been knackered but I wouldn’t have been so bloody stressed!

If only I had trusted my instincts over the expert advice, maybe I wouldn’t have felt like such a failure who was rubbish at babies. Because now I look at my bright, funny, clever and well-rested kids and I KNOW for a fact I did nothing wrong.

My youngest daughter still climbs into my bed during the night but these days I don’t care what ‘They’ say. In fact, I don’t even know what They say because I stopped listening to their bollocks a long time ago.  I just know that when she grows out of it – which she WILL- I’ll miss those twilight cuddles.

I regret believing the bollocks. I regret trying so hard NOT to let my firstborn sleep in my bed. I’ll always regret throwing out my comfy old dressing gown BUT I’ll never regret letting my children sleep with me, settling them to sleep or letting them snooze on my chest.

So, parents. Next time someone tries to tell you what you should be doing with your child, just nod, smile, mutter ‘bollocks’ under your breath and walk away.

Read some of my bollocks.. So I do this now. Writing important stuff  about internet dicks and men taking so long to do a shit for satire news site Daily Mash and for TV’s Mash Report which included this viral message to all women..I also still write for Metro and you can find my stuff here..


THE BOOK

Check out my new book that contains no baby sleep advice whatsoever…

Just lots of laughs and tips on surviving the sleepless nights . It covers everything from from Postnatal Illness and how to avoid killing your partner when you have babies and how to really and truly get your baby to sleep (eventually).

Sleep Is For The Weak: How To Survive When Your Baby Won’t Go The FzZk To Sleep at book shops or on Amazon now!! Also on Kindle.

Feel free to comment or join me on Facebook, Instagram or Twitter.  You can also subscribe for more useless updates using the form below..

 

Subscribe to Blog via Email

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A Beginner’s Guide to Mum Forums  http://stolensleep.com/2018/01/11/a-beginners-guide-to-mum-forums/ http://stolensleep.com/2018/01/11/a-beginners-guide-to-mum-forums/#respond Thu, 11 Jan 2018 11:25:35 +0000 http://stolensleep.com/?p=3146 You’ve tried co-sleeping, no sleeping, gradually retreating and dabbled in Gina Ford but STILL your baby will not sleep. So you try the Mum Forums.

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Mum forums GuideYou’ve tried co-sleeping, no sleeping, gradually retreating and dabbled in Gina Ford but STILL your baby will not sleep.

So in a desperate moment of sleep deprived madness you go to the place you told yourself you would never go… The Mum Forums.

Then you post the words no parent should never post on the Internet  ‘How do you get a baby to sleep?’ . And things go a bit like this:

EMILYJANE

I am so tired. My baby is six months old and still wakes up all night every night. Does anyone know how to get a baby to sleep?

MummaFucker:

I feel your pain. @EMILYJANE I haven’t slept for a bloody week!!

TiredMummy:

A week! I haven’t slept since 1984.

SuperMummy:

You lot don’t know the meaning of the word tired! I’m a single mum with one leg, I work three jobs,  I have 68 kids under 3 AND I am gluten intolerant. You ladies need to Mum up! 

SmugMum:

I hate to tell you this but my baby has slept through from six days old. Sorry not sorry 😉

MummaFucker:

I hate to tell you this @SmugMum but fuck off.

FordMum:

Are you still breastfeeding? If so, your baby is probably waking up for breast. Try weaning her.

MummaNuture:

Try breastfeeding. Breast is best!   I feed mine two at a time. 

MummyMia:

Excuse me, but I am not a bad mother just because I don’t breastfeed @MummaNuture?

MummaNuture:

That’s not what I said! No judgment here mamma. It is your body, your choice. BUT.. it is a fact that breastmilk gives babies superpowers and stuff. Just saying.  

ILikeBigMums&ICanNotLie:

FYI, it is also a fact that wine and coffee is best for tired mothers.

FordMum:

We switched to organic unicorn tears and our baby sleeps like a dream.

FunnyMummy:

We switched to gin and my baby does too.

CrazyMammy:

OT but here is a picture of Tom Hardy! You’re welcome.

tom hardy topless

OT but here is a pic of Tom Hardy.

MumzInBusiness:

Have you tried Sleepy baby pillow spray? I am a certified sleepy baby pillow spray seller. I can do you a good deal? I will DM you the info.

YummyMummy: 

Oh you need to do something, hun. Babies are meant to be sleeping 12 hours a night at that age. Have you tried putting her down drowsy but awake?

MummaFucker:

Oh fuck off @YummyMummy

 FordMum:

Do you know that babies who don’t sleep the recommended amount are more likely to be diabetic, insecure, depressed and fat, really fat.

MummaFucker:

Oh fuck off @FordMum

MummyMia:

Will you stop telling people to f*** off it is not appropriate @MummaFucker. I have reported to admin.

YummyMummy:

Perhaps he is teething? Or hungry? Or eating his teeth?

MotherDear:

Leave him to cry it out. I left my baby to cry three days ago and he is still asleep.

ILikeBigMums&ICanNotLie:

OT but does anyone know what this rash could be ↓

YummyMummy:

@ILikeBigMums&ICanNotLie   I am not a doctor but it looks like it could be cancer.

MummaNuture:

You should Co-Sleep @EmilyJane. Co-sleeping is the best thing you can do for your baby.

MummyMia:

Are you saying mums who don’t co-sleep don’t love their babies?

YummyMummy:

Do NOT co-sleep or your baby will die! 

ILikeBigMums&ICanNotLie:

OH MY GOD CANCER!??

CatMum:

I feel your pain @EMILYJANE I don’t have baby but my cat woke me up purring last night.

TiredMummy:

That is not the same! Why on earth are you on this forum if you aren’t a mum???

CatMum: 

I am a cat mum. Same thing.

MummaFucker:

Errr do you feed it with your body?  Do you have to wipe shit off it’s tiny anus?  UNLESS YOU DO IT IS NOT THE SAME. FUCK OFF!

MUMMY1981:

Admin! ↑

ILikeBigMums&ICanNotLie:

 I Googled it and it is not cancer!! Thanks so much for your support though that difficult time.

 ICanMakeYourBabySleepForMoney:

You need to stop rocking or feeding your baby (or cat) to sleep. They have to learn to self settle or they will always need you to rock or feed them to sleep.  Two words. Rod. Back. www.ICanMakeYourBabySleepForMoney.com

CrazyMummy:

OT but I think I am pregnant but not sure!! Can you see a pink line???

OhArhMam:

You’re not alone @EmilyJane. I’m so tired I’m considering shoving the baby back up my vagina so I can take a nap.

FunnyMummy:

Great idea. Would you go with head or feet first?

OhArhMam:

Probably head? Although, I’d probably need some kind of lube.

MummaNuture:

 Coconut oil?

MummyMia:

OMG! THIS THREAD! You cannot put a baby back! That would be abuse.  ADMIN you need to get in here.

LoveMyKids:

You lot should be grateful you have babies. Cherish every moment, ladies. Think of all those poor childless people out there without babies who just go to bed and sleep all night long. 

MummaFucker:

Lucky bastards. Can I cherish their moments?

ILikeBigMums&ICanNotLie:

After my cancer scare I am cherishing every second.

YummyMummy:

Go to the GP ASAP. There could be something seriously wrong with your baby. Have you tried a cranial osteopath? 

FordMum:

You need to sleep train your baby.  It worked wonders for us. Now my baby sits and stays whenever I tell her too.

YummyMummy:

Have you tried sticking to a consistent bedtime routine?

MummaFucker:

Message deleted by Admin. Please refer to the guidelines

MummyMia:

Are you saying mums who don’t sleep train are evil baby hating scum @FordMum?

OhArrhMam:

Talking about being tired – my OH is being a right dick. He just said HE was tired. Like, hello?

FunnyMummy:

Tell me about it. My partner spends at least an hour taking a shit, like he’s fucking royalty or something.

OhArrhMam:

What I wouldn’t give to shit for a whole hour. Oh do you think Kate Middleton gets to shit for that long? 

FunnyMummy: 

She probably has a special nanny for it. A shit nanny. Do you think it is possibly to nap while having a shit.

LoveMyKids:

I never shit. I don’t want to miss any of those precious moments with my baby.

EmilyJane:

SO what you are all saying is, I need to co-sleep and sleep train my baby while leaving her to cry for the rest of her life while drinking wine and coffee.

And that I should breastfeed with a bottle of unicorn tears while rocking her to sleep drowsy but awake? Then I should make a rod and put her to sleep while doing a  shit at the cranial osteopaths? Perfect. Thanks ladies.

READ MORE: The real reason your baby is awake?  Baby Spends Entire day Hatching Plan To Fuck Up Bedtime


sleep is for the weak bookTHE BOOK

Check out my new book that contains no baby sleep advice whatsoever… Just lots of laughs and tips on surviving the sleepless nights from someone who has been there! It covers everything from from Postnatal Illness and how to avoid killing your partner when you have babies and how to really and truly get your baby to sleep (eventually).

Sleep Is For The Weak: How To Survive When Your Baby Won’t Go The FzZk To Sleep at book shops or on Amazon now!! Also on Kindle.

Feel free to comment or join me on Facebook, Instagram or Twitter.  You can also subscribe for more useless updates using the form below..

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Sleep-Deprivation VS PND: Depressed or tired? http://stolensleep.com/2017/10/31/sleep-deprivation-versus-pnd/ http://stolensleep.com/2017/10/31/sleep-deprivation-versus-pnd/#respond Tue, 31 Oct 2017 11:51:02 +0000 http://stolensleep.com/?p=3074 Sleep-deprivation or postnatal illness? Here's how it went for me.

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Tearfulness, anxiety, loss of or increased appetite, exhaustion, lack of motivation and irritability are all symptoms of sleep-deprivation.

They are also symptoms of depression.

This coupled with the fact that depression can lead to exhaustion and exhaustion can make you feel low is why so many cases of postnatal depression go undiagnosed.

The mother often believes she is just totally and utterly shattered and that she’d be fine if she could JUST GET SOME BLOODY SLEEP!

I was that mother.

I felt awful after I had my first baby but as she woke up at least every half an hour during the night,  I was convinced I was just really bloody tired.

I was bound to feel low, living on so little sleep, right?

People kept telling me I just ‘needed a good night’s rest’, but the thing was, even after I had managed to get some rest, I still felt exhausted, anxious and depressed.

By the time I was diagnosed with postnatal depression (PND), I was really unwell and I wished I had got help sooner.

When I had my second baby, I was sleep-deprived but fortunately, I did not have PND.

With two daughters under two I was still exhausted, anxious and depressed but it wasn’t as all-consuming and I could see beyond it. I didn’t feel so hopeless.

Although some traits of PND and sleep-deprivation are similar –  my healthy mind and my unwell mind responded to those symptoms in very different ways.

Every single case of PND is very different, but this is how I could tell the difference:

PND VS SLEEP DEPRIVATION

PND: I can’t sleep. Even when the baby is actually asleep.

SLEEP DEPRIVATION: The baby is asleep so I can sleep

PND: I still feel tired even when I have slept.

SLEEP DEPRIVATION: I feel so much better after a good night’s sleep. My baby is not sleeping because she’s a baby and it’s what they do

PND: My baby is not sleeping at night because I am a crap mother.

SLEEP DEPRIVATION: My baby isn’t sleeping at night because she is a baby and it is what they do.

PND: I am struggling with motherhood because I am a weak person.

SLEEP DEPRIVATION: I am struggling with motherhood because I am really bloody knackered. But I’m only human.

PND: I can’t cope any more.

SLEEP DEPRIVATION: I can’t cope until I have had coffee. Then it will be hard but I will cope. Just like I did yesterday and the day before that.

PND: I hate myself.

SLEEP DEPRIVATION: I hate being sleep-deprived.

PND: Everything is shit and it will be forever.

SLEEP DEPRIVATION: Sleep-deprivation is shit, but it will pass.

PND: I am a failure.

SLEEP DEPRIVATION: I am exhausted. Motherhood is tough. Newborns are hard work.

It’s possible you’ve had stitches in your lady bits, you have piles and you haven’t slept. Plus, there’s those raging hormones to deal with.

So it is inevitable you will not be happy all of the time.

But this doesn’t mean you are NOT happy to have a beautiful baby. It means you are human and humans do get tired, stressed and overwhelmed. It is completely normal.

However, if it does NOT pass, if you are sleeping yet still feel rubbish, if you constantly feel hopeless, low, numb or fearful for the future then talk to your GP or health visitor.


THE BOOK:  There is also a whole chapter on this in my book Sleep is for the Weak: How To survive When Your Baby Won’t Go The Fzzk To sleep. Hardback  copy on Amazon right now!

 

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Sleep Is For The Weak: The Book http://stolensleep.com/2017/10/31/sleepisfortheweak/ http://stolensleep.com/2017/10/31/sleepisfortheweak/#respond Tue, 31 Oct 2017 11:38:52 +0000 http://stolensleep.com/?p=3078 Sleep Is For The Weak  is for anyone who has ever been kept awake by a baby…night, after night, after night… This book won’t tell you how to get your baby to sleep but it will show you how to stay awake successfully. I am not going to lie. This book will not tell you how to […]

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Sleep Is For The Weak  is for anyone who has ever been kept awake by a baby…night, after night, after night…

This book won’t tell you how to get your baby to sleep but it will show you how to stay awake successfully.

sleep is for the weak book

I am not going to lie.

This book will not tell you how to get your baby to sleep through the night.

In fact, it won’t even tell you how to get them to take a nap.

But it WILL teach you how NOT to sleep through the night without punching someone in the face, killing your partner or selling your offspring to  a travelling circus.

It also provides realistic sleep guides, humorous no-sleep solutions, hilarious imagery and lots of REAL TRUE facts by the Institute of Real Life People With Actual Babies.

So this book might make Supernanny throw herself off the naughty step and it may even cause Gina Ford to have contented kittens, but it might just help you survive the sleepless nights. 

Combining some of my own experiences in emotive detail from Postnatal Depression and severe sleep-deprivation to accidentally being branded the Playgroup Pervert, with witty illustrations and a fair bit of sarcasm, this unique book will serve as a source of inspiration, laughter and hope for tired parents!

ORDER HERE Hard back copy today! 

Alternatively, it is available from lots of lovely libraries and book shops!

Feel free to share your stories in the comments below or join me on Facebook, Instagram or Twitter.  You can also subscribe for more useless information like this using the form below.

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Baby Trapped Edition 8: 9 things to entertain you during the long, long, long summer holidays http://stolensleep.com/2017/07/30/baby-trapped/ http://stolensleep.com/2017/07/30/baby-trapped/#respond Sun, 30 Jul 2017 14:10:54 +0000 http://stolensleep.com/?p=2967 Baby-Trapped 8: Some things to entertain, inspire and pass the time when your baby won’t go the f*ck to sleep… 1) The good news…. It is the summer holidays and so NO school run for six weeks. 2) The bad news… It is the summer holidays so no school  for six weeks… I have been nagged almost […]

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Baby-Trapped 8: Some things to entertain, inspire and pass the time when your baby won’t go the f*ck to sleep…

1) The good news….

It is the summer holidays and so NO school run for six weeks.

2) The bad news…

It is the summer holidays so no school  for six weeks…

I have been nagged almost to death and feeling a bit weird about my youngest starting school in September but amazingly I have not completely lost my shit – yet.  However,  it is only  Day five.

Here is one thing i have learnt his week

Never play Guess Who with a 4 year old because it will end in tears..

ME: Right, you go first!

4YO: Who are you?

ME: No, remember you have to guess who I have on my card? That’s the game.

4YO: OK. Are you Captain Barnacles?

ME: No.

4YO: Are you a banana?

ME: NO! I am somebody from the pictures on your board?

4YO: *shoves her card in my face* Are you this one?

ME: No that is your card! You are not supposed to show me that. I have to guess…FFS!!!! Here have another card, DO NOT show me who it is this time. Now ask a few questions before you guess.. like have you got blonde hair?

4YO: Are you Donald Trump?

ME: NO! I am somebody from the bloody board! We have been through this!! See all those faces in front of you, I have one of them on my card?

4YO: Oh, who?

ME: YOU. HAVE. TO. GUESS. WHO!

4YO: Why?

ME: Because that is that game. IT IS GUESS WHO SO YOU HAVE TO GUESS WHO I HAVE ON MY CARD

4YO: Why can’t you just tell me?

ME: BECAUSE THAT IS NOT HOW THE BLOODY GAME WORKS! YOU GUESS WHO IS ON MY CARD!

4YO: That’s stupid.

ME: Fine. Tell you what let’s play a new game called Don’t Guess Who. Here is my card. I am Hans. Now who is on your card?

4YO: You have to guess.

ME: Ok, fine. *Deep breath* Fine. OK, do you have a hat?

4YO: Guess.

ME: Fine. You have a hat???

4YO: Not telling you.

ME: Are you a man?

4YO: Maybe.

ME: YOU HAVE TO TELL ME YES OR NO!

4YO: You said it was a guessing game, mummy.

ME: It is, but you ask for clues then make your guess! NOW DO YOU HAVE A MOTHERFRICKING HAT?

4YO: Do you have a hat?

ME: We have done mine – remember I was Hans.

4YO: Yay! So I won!!

ME: YES, WHATEVER YOU WON , I LOST. I DON’T CARE ANY MORE.

4YO: Hooray! Can we play again?

ME: *POURING A LARGE GLASS OF WINE* Guess?

So if anyone can recommend a board game that doesn’t make me want to stab myself in the face please let me know!

 

3) The other news…

Drowsy but awake is bollocks, says baby

A BABY has claimed that advice such as ‘put your child down drowsy but awake’ is a pile of wank written by twats who have no idea how babies actually work.

Six-month-old Rosie went on to state that being ripped from her mother’s pleasantly warm bosom when she is on the verge of dozing off is really fucking annoying.

Rosie said: “One minute I am snuggled up on my mummy or daddy feeling all sleepy then BAM, I am shoved into what I can only describe as a wooden prison of hell. So of course, then I am way too pissed off to sleep for the rest of the night.”

“And don’t even get me started on sleep training!  One night I cried and nobody came because according to mummy, ‘Google said babies should learn to settle themselves to sleep’.

“I don’t know who Google is but he sounds like a right wanker.”

Rosie’s dad said: “That cot cost us £500 and took me three hours to put together. Yet, she has slept in it twice!

‘The problem is that she looks so adorable when she is lying on my chest. So before I know it I’m cherishing that damn special moment for so long that she falls fast asleep.”

I am writing stuff for satire news site Daily Mash now which is so much fun…check it out…

4) Stuff to do with the kids this summer that won’t bore you shitless

I hate the park. I hate doing crafts. I hate baking. I hate the soft play centre.

Of course, I do these things (Angel Delight counts as baking, right?) because it makes my children happy and I love them being happy but that does’t make me ENJOY doing the actual thing.

So when I find  something that make the kids happy AND doesn’t bore me shitless I get quite excited and feel the need to write about it.

We recently took a trip to  Snozone –  an indoor ski slope with real snow in Milton Keynes.  We had an hour long family ski lesson followed by sledging and we ALL loved it.

We had a brilliant (and very patient) instructor Joshua, who got the kids actually ski-ing a little in one hour.  He even managed to get my husband to ski a bit without falling over, which, if you had seen my husband at the beginning you’d see what a great achievement this was!!

Following this, we had some hot chocolate before embarking on some sledging which was really fast but really good fun.

So there you are. Go hit the slopes. Snozone provide all the gear- you will just need coats and gloves and I recommend warm socks.

5) Night shift read of the week

My youngest Sleep Thief starts school in September. I am not sure how I feel about it yet. While I am happy to have more time to write and work, I am sad because I will miss having small people around during the week.  Which is probably why this article made me cry..

“It happened just like that.

The first six weeks of his life were an entire lifetime in and of themselves. Every second of every day was full, overflowing with effort and sweat and emotions and the searing desperation that comes with sleep deprivation.”

 6) Going Out Out

Now I am no longer severely sleep-deprived in charge of babies I occasionally get to go OUT OUT! (basically the ‘this too will pass ‘ people were flipping right). However, I don’t often venture too far because I occasionally get a bit panicky about going to places my Anxiety likes to call, ‘BIG ZONES OF DANGER’. But I recently went to watch Great British Mysteries?  a live mockumentary adventure investigating monsters, myths by Rose Robinson and Will Close. Check them out in Edinburgh if you are heading that way. They are bloody hilarious and well worth the ‘trauma’ of travelling to the Danger Zone, alone at night.

7) This book…

The Cows by Dawn O Porter is one of those books that inspire me to be a better writer. It is so good i actually put off  getting to the end as I didn’t want it to be over  (yes, I am a sad bookworm).

It tells the story of  Tara, Cam and Stella, three strangers living their own lives as best they can despite not conforming to what society expects of them.

A crazy event ties invisible bonds of friendship between them when one woman’s excruciating catastrophe becomes another’s inspiration, and a life lesson to all.

This book is totally different from anything I have ever read and inspires you to speak up, stand out and sod what everyone else thinks.

8) To watch if the kids leave you the hell alone…

I have never been into wrestling so I did NOT think I was going to like Glow – a current Netflix show based on the true story of a troupe of women wrestlers in the 1980s. However, the script, characters and humour hooked me from about episode two. In fact, it has made me really quite fancy the idea of being a wrestler…  The Sleepless Slayer perhaps???

9) And finally this….  

I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who has left me a book review for Sleep is for the Weak. I really do appreciate it – especially as i know most of you are tired and busy taking care of babies so THANK YOU. If anyone has read my book and liked it please please leave me a review here and make me look popular!! It would be a great help.

Feel free to join me on Facebook, Instagram or Twitter.  You can also subscribe for more Baby-Trapped and other stuff like this using the form below.. 

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Good night, Sleep tight…or just bloody sleep however you can..

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A Baby’s Guide To Leaving The Womb http://stolensleep.com/2017/07/18/a-babys-guide-to-leaving-the-womb/ http://stolensleep.com/2017/07/18/a-babys-guide-to-leaving-the-womb/#respond Tue, 18 Jul 2017 07:19:59 +0000 http://stolensleep.com/?p=2943 A STEP BY STEP GUIDE TO BABIES BY BABIES Lesson 1: A baby’s guide to life outside the womb The biggest mistake new parents make is to forget where babies come from. I am serious! Instead of taking any time to consider the fact that they have just dragged us from the comfort of our peaceful […]

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A STEP BY STEP GUIDE TO BABIES BY BABIES

Lesson 1: A baby’s guide to life outside the womb

The biggest mistake new parents make is to forget where babies come from.

I am serious! Instead of taking any time to consider the fact that they have just dragged us from the comfort of our peaceful womb palace into HELL, they are too busy discussing stuff like, ‘who does she look like?’ and ‘I think she has your nose’ and ‘oh look at her tiny fingers’ to think about what we might NEED during this time.

Is it any wonder we scream our heads off when the Baby Getter Outerer takes us away from our Womb Container?

Is it really a surprise that we cry when you put us down in a cot, all by our little old selves??

‘Where the hell is my womb?’  We are thinking. “Where is the human I have been attached to for all of my life? The one who grew me. We are part of each other. I am her, and she is me and I am not sure it is possible to survive without her. Plus she got the milk and that shit is good.”

What I am trying to say is that being born is no picnic. So when you are done cooing and wooing about this amazing thing you just made with your body, please spare a thought for your newborn.

This tiny human has gone from living an extremely sheltered life to being exposed to a zillion strange sounds and smells and giant humans getting right up in their faces and squeezing their adorably chubby cheeks.

Speaking as someone who left the womb not too long ago I can tell you that in those early days we feel vulnerable, confused and as quite frankly, scared as shit. And it’s not like we can call the Samaritans or Google ‘are baby-eating bears a thing?’ We got to work it all out for ourselves.

Put me down and you will regret it

The only thing we know is mummy (FYI, mummies, you look a lot better from the outside).  We recognise her smell, her voice, her spirit and her heart beat.

She is the only familiar thing in Outside of Womb and the only person who can make a newborn feel truly safe.

Who is the daddy?

I imagine right now some of you idiots are thinking  ‘ooh but what about daddies? Surely, they make their offspring feel safe too? Who wrote this sexist bumshit?’

So let me explain. I love daddy. He rocks. But back in those early days, not so much. You have got to understand. I had no idea who the hell he was.

He was just a stranger who kept taking me off mummy then staring at me with his big hairy face.

This is all newborns know about daddies:

a) They get stuff for mummy.

b) They take us from mummy.

c) We haven’t lived inside them.

So the reason we often cry when daddies pick us up is because at this point they are just  Wombless Baby Stealers! Look, it is nothing personal – it is just that newborns rarely trust  someone they haven’t seen the inside of.

Conclusion

What new babies actually need:

1) Peace and quiet to adapt to Outside World

2) To get to know Mummy from the outside

3) Time to work out whether to trust the Hairy Wombless Baby Stealer

4) Milk

What new parents actually need:

1) Sleep

So don’t be an idiot. You have just made a baby with your body. You are learning how to be a family.  You and your baby are tired and overwhelmed.

GO HOME.

Don’t try and do all the stuff. Forget the laundry. Forget about tidying up. Forget about getting dressed if necessary. None of this stuff matters now. All the matters is your baby because she is the boss of you now. Forever. Get used to it.

Forget the  arseholes friends and family who want to come and visit you and your bundle of joy before you have even had a chance to push the placenta out.

Be still, be quiet, be together and take care of yourself and your baby. Everything else can wait.

Good luck! Join me next week for Lesson 3:   Embracing Parenthood: kissing goodbye to nights out, sex, sleep, clean hair and other things that distract you from your new baby

You can also read part 1 of this series right here…


THE BOOK

Check out my new book that contains no baby sleep advice whatsoever… Just lots of laughs and tips on surviving the sleepless nights from someone who has been there! It covers everything from from Postnatal Illness and how to avoid killing your partner when you have babies and how to really and truly get your baby to sleep (eventually).

Sleep Is For The Weak: How To Survive When Your Baby Won’t Go The FzZk To Sleep at book shops or on Amazon now!!

Feel free to comment or join me on Facebook, Instagram or Twitter.  You can also subscribe for more useless information like this using the form below..

Subscribe to Blog via Email

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