I used to have a clean house, clean clothes and clean hair.
Then I had children.
My standards gradually slipped lower and lower and before I knew it, I was eating the remains of a rice cake off the floor to avoid having to walk to the bin.
Not because I am lazy; but because some days, I am just too tired to care.
Here are a few dirty secrets that only a really tired parent will understand:
When I am vacuuming, I will stamp on an old biscuit to make it fit up the hoover pipe instead of picking it up.
I have thrown away dirty saucepans because I can’t face scrubbing them.
I have told my kids the DVD player is broken so I don’t have to put one on for them. If it is not on the Sky planner, they are not watching it.
I have put the same wash on six times because I am too tired to hang it out.
I have thrown out baby clothes after a nappy leak rather than clean them.
I have watched the ‘no signal’ sign bobbing about the screen for hours because I can’t reach the remote control.
I have also watched the blue screen on the CBeebies channel at night for the same reason.
I have taken alternate bites of bread and cheese because making a sandwich is too much effort.
I wear the same pair of socks for at least three days to avoid more laundry.
If a child wees on the settee I sometimes just throw a towel over it until it dries.
I never wash my bras.
I will tell my partner I am popping out for milk then sit in the car park outside the supermarket for half an hour enjoying the peace.
I only wash the bed sheets when someone pukes or pisses on them.
I will spend half an hour rearranging the dishwasher so I don’t have to wash up the one cup that won’t fit.
I never answer the phone because conversations are way too much effort.
I use my bag for life to keep carrier bags in which kid of defeats the object.
My TV is permanently covered in dirty handprints.
I will use any suitable substitute I can find when I run out of toilet roll to avoid a trip to the shop. Kitchen roll, baby wipes, the cardboard inner tube, sanitary towels or cotton wool.
I only properly tidy up the house when I have people coming to visit.
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