How not to survive your child’s first day at school

falling-downSince becoming a mother I have made my fair share of silly mistakes.

But never before had the stakes been so high…

I grabbed my two-year-old daughter and headed for the exit of the busy supermarket.

She screamed in objection to the sudden urgency, but I needed to get out of there. Time was running out. Continue reading

19 dirty secrets of a sleep-deprived parent

I used to have a clean house, clean clothes and clean hair.

Then I had children.

My standards gradually slipped lower and lower and before I knew it,  I was eating the remains of a rice cake off the floor to avoid having to walk to the bin.

Not because I am lazy; but because some days, I am just too tired to care.

Here are a few dirty secrets that only a really tired parent will understand:

When I am vacuuming, I will stamp on an old biscuit to make it fit up the hoover pipe instead of picking it up.

I have thrown away dirty saucepans because I can’t face scrubbing them.

I have told my kids the DVD player is broken so I don’t have to put one on for them. If it is not on the Sky planner, they are not watching it.

I have put the same wash on six times because I am too tired to hang it out.

I have thrown out baby clothes after a nappy leak rather than clean them.

I have watched the ‘no signal’ sign bobbing about the screen for hours because I can’t reach the remote control.

I have also watched the blue screen on the CBeebies channel at night for the same reason.

I have taken alternate bites of bread and cheese because making a sandwich is too much effort.

I wear the same pair of socks for at least three days to avoid more laundry.

I like to watch something dirty on the TV

If a child wees on the settee I sometimes just throw a towel over it until it dries.

I never wash my bras.

I will tell my partner I am popping out for milk then sit in the car park outside the supermarket for half an hour enjoying the peace.

I only wash the bed sheets when someone pukes or pisses on them.

I will spend half an hour rearranging the dishwasher so I don’t have to wash up the one cup that won’t fit.

I never answer the phone because conversations are way too much effort.

I use my bag for life to keep carrier bags in which kid of defeats the object.

My TV is permanently covered in dirty handprints.

I will use any suitable substitute I can find when I run out of toilet roll to avoid a trip to the shop. Kitchen roll, baby wipes, the cardboard inner tube, sanitary towels or cotton wool.

I only properly tidy up the house when I have people coming to visit.

Do you have any dirty secrets to share? Tell us in the comments below or on Facebook or Twitter.


THE BOOK

Check out my new book that contains no baby sleep advice whatsoever…

Just lots of laughs and tips on surviving the sleepless nights . It covers everything from from Postnatal Illness and how to avoid killing your partner when you have babies and how to really and truly get your baby to sleep (eventually).

Sleep Is For The Weak: How To Survive When Your Baby Won’t Go The FzZk To Sleep at book shops or on Amazon now!! Also on Kindle.

Feel free to comment or join me on Facebook, Instagram or Twitter.  You can also subscribe for more useless updates using the form below.

Subscribe to Blog via Email

Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Why You Should Never Leave the House When You Have Babies

waitrose bwAfter almost three years of very little sleep I have gone beyond tired.

In fact, some days I don’t even feel sleepy any more.

So I think I am ok.

“I feel fine,” I smile to myself sipping on my super strong coffee. “Today I am going to Get Stuff Done.”

And it is on these days I decide to leave the house.

Big mistake. Continue reading

How to get things done when your baby won’t sleep or leave you the hell alone for five f**king minutes

thing to doSOMETIMES I get to the end of the day and I know I have been busy. I am tired, I haven’t eaten lunch, my back aches and I can’t remember when I last sat down.

Yet, I look around me. The washing up bowl is full of dirty dishes, there is a grubby baby sock on the kitchen sideboard, there are toys everywhere, and the baby is covered in this morning’s Weetabix.  

What have I actually been doing?  Continue reading

How To Make Delicious Chicken Soup When You Have Babies

souprecipeI don’t usually post recipes. This isn’t really that kind of blog. Plus, I don’t actually know any.

However, the delicious chicken soup my husband makes is so good (when I say ‘good’ I mean BANE OF MY LIFE) I thought I would share it with you.

INGREDIENTS:

  • Chicken
  • Toddler
  • Fridge
  • Pan

Continue reading