A Beginner’s Guide to Mum Forums 

Mum forums GuideYou’ve tried co-sleeping, no sleeping, gradually retreating and dabbled in Gina Ford but STILL your baby will not sleep.

So in a desperate moment of sleep deprived madness you go to the place you told yourself you would never go… The Mum Forums.

Then you post the words no parent should never post on the Internet  ‘How do you get a baby to sleep?’ . And things go a bit like this:

EMILYJANE

I am so tired. My baby is six months old and still wakes up all night every night. Does anyone know how to get a baby to sleep?

MummaFucker:

I feel your pain. @EMILYJANE I haven’t slept for a bloody week!!

TiredMummy:

A week! I haven’t slept since 1984.

SuperMummy:

You lot don’t know the meaning of the word tired! I’m a single mum with one leg, I work three jobs,  I have 68 kids under 3 AND I am gluten intolerant. You ladies need to Mum up! 

SmugMum:

I hate to tell you this but my baby has slept through from six days old. Sorry not sorry 😉

MummaFucker:

I hate to tell you this @SmugMum but fuck off.

FordMum:

Are you still breastfeeding? If so, your baby is probably waking up for breast. Try weaning her.

MummaNuture:

Try breastfeeding. Breast is best!   Feed her two at a time if you can.

MummyMia:

Excuse me, but I am not a bad mother just because I don’t breastfeed @MummaNuture?

MummaNuture:

That’s not what I said! No judgment here mamma. It is your body, your choice. BUT.. it is a fact that breastmilk is best for babies. Just saying.  

ILikeBigMums&ICanNotLie:

FYI, it is also a fact that wine and coffee is best for tired mothers.

FordMum:

We switched to organic unicorn tears and our baby sleeps like a dream.

FunnyMummy:

We switched to gin and my baby does too.

CrazyMammy:

OT but here is a picture of Tom Hardy! You’re welcome.

tom hardy topless

OT but here is a pic of Tom Hardy.

MumzInBusiness:

Have you tried Sleepy baby pillow spray? I am a certified sleepy baby pillow spray seller. I can do you a good deal? I will DM you the info.

YummyMummy: 

Oh you need to do something, hun. Babies are meant to be sleeping 12 hours a night at that age. Have you tried putting her down drowsy but awake?

MummaFucker:

Oh fuck off @YummyMummy

 FordMum:

Do you know that babies who don’t sleep the recommended amount are more likely to be diabetic, insecure, depressed and fat, really fat.

MummaFucker:

Oh fuck off @FordMum

MummyMia:

Will you stop telling people to f*** off it is not appropriate @MummaFucker. I have reported to admin.

YummyMummy:

Perhaps he is teething? Or hungry? Or eating his teeth?

MotherDear:

Leave him to cry it out. I left my baby to cry three days ago and he is still asleep.

ILikeBigMums&ICanNotLie:

OT but does anyone know what this rash could be ↓

YummyMummy:

@ILikeBigMums&ICanNotLie   I am not a doctor but it looks like it could be cancer.

MummaNuture:

You should Co-Sleep @EmilyJane. Co-sleeping is the best thing you can do for your baby.

MummyMia:

Are you saying mums who don’t co-sleep don’t love their babies?

YummyMummy:

Do NOT co-sleep or your baby will die! 

ILikeBigMums&ICanNotLie:

OH MY GOD CANCER!??

CatMum:

I feel your pain @EMILYJANE I don’t have baby but my cat woke me up purring last night.

TiredMummy:

That is not the same! Why on earth are you on this forum if you aren’t a mum???

CatMum: 

I am a cat mum. Same thing.

MummaFucker:

Errr do you feed it with your body?  Do you have to wipe shit off it’s tiny anus?  UNLESS YOU DO IT IS NOT THE SAME. FUCK OFF!

MUMMY1981:

Admin! ↑

ILikeBigMums&ICanNotLie:

 I Googled it and it is not cancer!! Thanks so much for your support though that difficult time.

 ICanMakeYourBabySleepForMoney:

You need to stop rocking or feeding your baby (or cat) to sleep. They have to learn to self settle or they will always need you to rock or feed them to sleep.  Two words. Rod. Back. www.ICanMakeYourBabySleepForMoney.com

CrazyMummy:

OT but I think I am pregnant but not sure!! Can you see a pink line???

OhArhMam:

You’re not alone @EmilyJane. I’m so tired I’m considering shoving the baby back up my vagina so I can take a nap.

FunnyMummy:

Great idea. Would you go with head or feet first?

OhArhMam:

Probably head? Although, I’d probably need some kind of lube.

MummaNuture:

 Coconut oil?

MummyMia:

OMG! THIS THREAD! You cannot put a baby back! That would be abuse.  ADMIN you need to get in here.

LoveMyKids:

You lot should be grateful you have babies. Cherish every moment, ladies. Think of all those poor childless people out there without babies who just go to bed and sleep all night long. 

MummaFucker:

Lucky bastards. Can I cherish their moments?

ILikeBigMums&ICanNotLie:

After my cancer scare I am cherishing every second.

YummyMummy:

Go to the GP ASAP. There could be something seriously wrong with your baby. Have you tried a cranial osteopath? 

FordMum:

You need to sleep train your baby.  It worked wonders for us. Now my baby sits and stays whenever I tell her too.

YummyMummy:

Have you tried sticking to a consistent bedtime routine?

MummaFucker:

Message deleted by Admin. Please refer to the guidelines

MummyMia:

Are you saying mums who don’t sleep train are evil baby hating scum @FordMum?

OhArrhMam:

Talking about being tired – my OH is being a right dick. He just said HE was tired. Like, hello?

FunnyMummy:

Tell me about it. My partner spends at least an hour taking a shit, like he’s fucking royalty or something.

OhArrhMam:

What I wouldn’t give to shit for a whole hour. Oh do you think Kate Middleton gets to shit for that long? 

FunnyMummy: 

She probably has a special nanny for it. A shit nanny. Do you think it is possibly to nap while having a shit.

LoveMyKids:

I never shit. I don’t want to miss any of those precious moments with my baby.

EmilyJane:

SO what you are all saying is, I need to co-sleep and sleep train my baby while leaving her to cry for the rest of her life while drinking wine and coffee.

And that I should breastfeed with a bottle of unicorn tears while rocking her to sleep drowsy but awake? Then I should make a rod and put her to sleep while doing a  shit at the cranial osteopaths? Perfect. Thanks ladies.

READ MORE: Which one are you?  The 7 Types of Mum You Find On Parenting Forums


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