Lesson 1: A baby’s guide to life outside the womb
The biggest mistake new parents make is to forget where babies come from.
I am serious! Instead of taking any time to consider the fact that they have just dragged us from the comfort of our peaceful womb palace into HELL, they are too busy discussing stuff like, ‘who does she look like?’ and ‘I think she has your nose’ and ‘oh look at her tiny fingers’ to think about what we might NEED during this time.
Is it any wonder we scream our heads off when the Baby Getter Outerer takes us away from our Womb Container?
Is it really a surprise that we cry when you put us down in a cot, all by our little old selves??
‘Where the hell is my womb?’ We are thinking. “Where is the human I have been attached to for all of my life? The one who grew me. We are part of each other. I am her, and she is me and I am not sure it is possible to survive without her. Plus she got the milk and that shit is good.”
What I am trying to say is that being born is no picnic. So when you are done cooing and wooing about this amazing thing you just made with your body, please spare a thought for your newborn.
This tiny human has gone from living an extremely sheltered life to being exposed to a zillion strange sounds and smells and giant humans getting right up in their faces and squeezing their adorably chubby cheeks.
Speaking as someone who left the womb not too long ago I can tell you that in those early days we feel vulnerable, confused and as quite frankly, scared as shit. And it’s not like we can call the Samaritans or Google ‘are baby-eating bears a thing?’ We got to work it all out for ourselves.
The only thing we know is mummy (FYI, mummies, you look a lot better from the outside). We recognise her smell, her voice, her spirit and her heart beat.
She is the only familiar thing in Outside of Womb and the only person who can make a newborn feel truly safe.
Who is the daddy?
I imagine right now some of you idiots are thinking ‘ooh but what about daddies? Surely, they make their offspring feel safe too? Who wrote this sexist bumshit?’
So let me explain. I love daddy. He rocks. But back in those early days, not so much. You have got to understand. I had no idea who the hell he was.
He was just a stranger who kept taking me off mummy then staring at me with his big hairy face.
This is all newborns know about daddies:
a) They get stuff for mummy.
b) They take us from mummy.
c) We haven’t lived inside them.
So the reason we often cry when daddies pick us up is because at this point they are just Wombless Baby Stealers! Look, it is nothing personal – it is just that newborns rarely trust someone they haven’t seen the inside of.
What new babies actually need:
1) Peace and quiet to adapt to Outside World
2) To get to know Mummy from the outside
3) Time to work out whether to trust the Hairy Wombless Baby Stealer
What new parents actually need:
So don’t be an idiot. You have just made a baby with your body. You are learning how to be a family. You and your baby are tired and overwhelmed.
Don’t try and do all the stuff. Forget the laundry. Forget about tidying up. Forget about getting dressed if necessary. None of this stuff matters now. All the matters is your baby because she is the boss of you now. Forever. Get used to it.
arseholes friends and family who want to come and visit you and your bundle of joy before you have even had a chance to push the placenta out.
Be still, be quiet, be together and take care of yourself and your baby. Everything else can wait.
Good luck! Join me next week for Lesson 3: Embracing Parenthood: kissing goodbye to nights out, sex, sleep, clean hair and other things that distract you from your new baby
You can also read part 1 of this series right here…
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