I have a confession to make.

Since having babies I have become a big fat liar.

I am not proud of myself, but sometimes lying (and coffee, so much coffee) is the only way to survive  The truth would simply hurt too much (or make you look like a miserable twat) so telling the odd fib is a necessary evil.

If you are a tired parent, then here are a few untruths that you might recognise (or maybe I am  just a miserable twat):

Lies you tell friends, colleagues and the general public

 1: So sorry I can’t make it – the baby is sick.

I am too tired to face people today.

2: How embarrassing! I had no idea I had vomit on my shoulder!

I got these clothes out of the dirty laundry and hoped no one would notice the vomit.

3: Excuse the mess. I haven’t had time to clean today.

I have spent hours cleaning but my house still looks like crap.

via GIPHY

4: I am so sorry I lost the invitation to your kid’s party.

I forgot to RSVP because I am tired and disorganised.

5: I haven’t had a shower for two days!

I haven’t had a shower for two weeks.

6: Sorry, I didn’t answer the phone I was feeding the baby.

I couldn’t be bothered with a conversation.

7: We don’t normally eat potato waffles but I can’t face cooking.

I hate cooking. We eat potato waffles all the time.

8: Oh sorry, my kids are always taking off their clothes!

I couldn’t be arsed to get the kids dressed today.

9: My baby is teething

My baby is being a pain in the arse.

 

10: I don’t usually give my child this amount of biscuits!

When there are no witnesses; I give her much more biscuits.

11: I only let my kids watch TV for an hour a day or when they are sick.

I let my kids watch TV when I need to cook dinner, take a shower, make coffee, tidy up or piss around on Facebook.

12: I look terrible I didn’t have time to do my hair and make up.

I have done my hair and make up but I still look like shit.

Lies you tell the kids

 13: There is no cereal left, so it’s toast today kids.

There are no clean bowls and I am not washing up.

14: It is bedtime now!

It is 6pm.

15: There are no biscuits.

There is one more biscuits but I want to eat it.

16: Elsa and Anna are dead. 

If I have to watch Frozen one more time I will scream.

17: That toy is broken.

That toy is annoying. I took the batteries out.

18: The soft play centre is closed.

I am NOT going to the soft play centre.

19: It is NOT morning yet.

It is 7.30am.

Lies you tell your partner

20: It is your turn to change the baby. I did it while you were in the bathroom.

I don’t want to change the baby because it smells really bad.

21: I am popping to the shop for milk.

I am popping to the shop so I can sit in the car park and play on my phone.

22: I am going to the toilet.

I am going to the bathroom to look on Facebook in peace.

23: I didn’t hear the baby.

I pretended to be asleep until you got up for the baby

24: I have been up ALL night.

I had about two hours of broken sleep.

25: She always sleeps better when you put her down. I don’t know how you do it!

She sleeps badly whoever puts her down but I really want to sit here and drink wine.

And the one that every mother will tell someone at one point…

26: I AM FINE!

I am not fine. The kids have been horrible today. I am tired. I have had not time to eat. My coffee is cold. I need everyone to leave me the hell alone for five minutes before I lose my shit.

DOES all this make me a bad person? I hope not. But when you are tired and stressed in charge of young children, it is a matter of survival! Please tell me it is not just me?

If you want to read more of my stuff..

So I write funny and important stuff  about internet dicks and men taking so long to do a shit for satire news site Daily Mash and for TV’s Mash Report which included this viral message to all women..I also still write for Metro and you can find my stuff here..

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