princessSo Kate Middleton is expecting her her second child this week!

This is great news for the media because I expect there are only so many times they can run ‘stories’ like ‘ROYAL BABY TO HAVE A NAME’ or  ‘PRINCESS WILL GIVE BIRTH TO A BABY, SAY BOOKIES’.

And of course great news for Kate, who will have a lovely newborn baby to look after.

As well as a young toddler.

I wonder whether she has thought this through.

To help prepare Kate for becoming a mother of ‘two under two,’ (because she definitely reads my blog) I thought I would give her the heads up on a few things.

Do not bother trying to get anything done ever. While it is tricky to get stuff done with one baby, with two it is practically impossible. I have lost entire days trying to get things done and achieved nothing. You think, ‘I know; I’ll write a list, get organised, tick things off as I go along.’ Easy, right? Wrong. Five days later you realise you haven’t even managed to finish writing the bloody list. So I suggest doing what you can when you can. Better still just use this list:

  1. Get up

  2. Look after the children.

Anything achieved alongside this list is automatically a bonus.

Don’t buy a double buggy. You will use it once, realise it is really heavy and annoying and sell it on Ebay.

Do not try to get anywhere on time. With two babies on the go, everything takes ages. Nipping out becomes a thing of the past. I remember a time when getting dressed simply meant taking  clothes out of the wardrobe and putting them on. Now it can take anything up to an hour. This is why:

Knickers on.

Toddler needs a poo. Put toddler on toilet.

Search for clean socks. None left.

Wipe toddler’s bum.

Grab the cleanest smelling dirty socks from the washing pile.

Look for my bra. Find it on the toddler’s head. Remove it and put it on.

The baby screams. Run to baby. She has climbed into the washing basket. Get her out of basket.

Return to my bedroom to find the toddler is wearing my top. Chase toddler around the house for my top. Try to wrestle top from the toddler.

Baby starts crying for no apparent reason. Cuddle baby.

Go and get another top. Put top on.

Toddler and baby now fighting over the original top. Break up the fight.

Pick up jeans from washing pile. Clean with a baby wipe.

“MUMMY, can I have a biscuit please?”

Right leg in jean.

“Biscuit, biscuit, biscuit!!”

“CAN EVERYONE JUST LEAVE ME ALONE SO I CAN GET DRESSED!” You shout. Loudly. Too loudly. The baby is now crying. You feel so guilty you given them two biscuits and read them a story in your top and underwear.

Start to put jeans on.

Spot the baby about to eat something out of the bin. Hop over to baby and fish the rubbish out of her mouth.

Put jeans on. At last!

The toddler runs up to you and wraps her arms around your legs. You are now covered in biscuit dribble and snot. Clean with another baby wipe and now you are finally DRESSED.

Someone always wants something from you. A banana, a biscuit, a drink, a dummy, a poo, a wee, a wipe, dinner, lunch, breakfast, a snack, toys, clothes. Take me outside, take me home, take me to the toilet, take me to the park? Story, piggyback, Play Doh, song. You life becomes an endless cycle of getting stuff for small people. Some days you’ll want to quit. Other days you’ll want to scream.  But you still get them the stuff. Because at the end of the day, it is far easier than being asked for the stuff, over and over again, ALL DAY LONG.

When you are expecting your second baby you will secretly worry whether you will love him or her as much as you love your first. Surely, it must be impossible to love another human being as much as you love your firstborn? There could never be a baby as cute, or as funny, or as beautiful. Then baby two arrives and they are just as cute, just as funny and just as beautiful. And before you know it, you can’t imagine life without them.

Get an extra pair of eyes to put in the back of your head because, at one point, your children will try to kill each other. Not intentionally, of course. But toddlers seem to be under the impression that ‘dangerous’ means fun. For example; “It will be so funny to whack my sister over the head with a mug.” And “I wonder what will happen if I stick this pencil right up my sister’s nose.”

Buy two of everything. They always want what the other one has. Child One could pick up a dead frog and Child Two would still drop whatever she was doing and decide she desperately wants that dead frog more than anything in the world. You can tell them to share until you are blue in the face. But apparently ‘share’ is toddler speak for ‘snatch’. I would also suggest that all the children’s cups and bowls are the same colour. We have a single blue bowl that is currently making my life hell.

Having two children close in age can be exhausting and frustrating. It is rare that a day goes by where I haven’t silently sworn about something. But mostly, it is pretty amazing.  And there is a great comfort in knowing that no matter what, they will always have each other.

When they are not trying to kill each other, they are best friends…at least until they both want the blue bowl.

So how do you survive with two children under two?

Coffee, wine, shed loads of blue bowls.

Unless you are a princess – then you just need servants – lots of servants.

Do you have ‘two under two’? What advice would you give Kate and William? Feel free to leave your comments below or join us for a chat on Facebook or Twitter. 


  1. Love this! I know it’s silly, but I was so excited when I read that Kate was pregnant again.

    Unfortunately I don’t have any really good advice, because the time in my life when I had a baby an a toddler is all a blur. Am pretty sure the focus was on surviving and keeping the two from accidentally killing each other.

  2. Okay, so I read this post once to myself while cracking up and my husband asking me “What? What are you reading? What’s going on?”

    I read it out loud the second time, also cracking up (I suspect my husband couldn’t understand most of what I read but gave me a polite laugh anyway).

    And then I read it a third time to myself to enjoy it after everyone left the room.

    It’s so funny that these things you talk about that are so funny to me now can make my cry, or go crazy, or both every single day. And if you attempted to explain to anyone who doesn’t have kids that it can take you an hour to get dressed, they’d never believe it. Ever. Cause it’s ridiculous really. But that IS EXACTLY how it happens!

    Something tells me Kate won’t have it as rough as we do though. Every time I see a picture of her perfect hair, those beautiful, perfect, shiny, wavy waves in her hair… I wonder what really goes on in their house/palace. I have been considering shaving my hair off because it’s no longer of any use to me. It’s actually become quite a hassle. I have to wash it every day, then there’s the shampoo AND the conditioner… And then I have to take it out of the drains and the walls and the brush and the floors in every room… It in a nasty looking bun ALL the time.

    No shine, no waves.

    The only waves I’ve knows since I had kids are waves of anger, during which I thank the Lord I have at least one language the kids don’t understand so I can swear until my face turns red.

    • Thank you. I expect you are right. I imagine Kate doesn’t take an hour to get dressed. I imagine she has servants, a nanny and maybe a personal dresser…I can’t say I blame her. If I was a princess and had a baby I would have a team of staff to help me.

      I am thinking the same about my hair. It is in bad condition, it falls out, gets pulled out and I have to bloody wash it every day- which means like you, I also have to send precious time pulling the hairs out of the drain at least once a week! I leave the floor though – the baby enjoys it as a little snack – stops her grabbing mine for a minute or two at least.

      Ha ha!! Yes what is it with the swearing? The strange thing is I rarely swore before I had kids. now I can’t get enough of it. I bet Kate doesn’t swear.

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